So there’s this one guy who’s a very good friend of mine and some time ago he told me he’s gay. He's 23 years old. I was surprised, because I know him a long time, however I never had even the smallest suspicion about his sexuality. Of course, I treated him nicely, we talked about it. He feels bad about being gay, he cannot really accept it, he was like „why me of all peopleâ€Â, he wants to be like most of the guys who like girls. By his own words, I’m the first and the last person he has came out to, because we’re good friends and I’m gay like him. I tried to help him, I tried to explain him that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, it’s just who he is. He believes same sex relationships are useless, because they cannot lead to children. He was like "I can't choose my sexuality, but I can choose whether I want to follow it".
Because he cannot accept himself being gay and believes it’s wrong, he said he wants to spend his life alone. He said he’ll not be that much of a bastard to use girls trying to turn straight, which is impossible, but he’ll not date guys either. I asked him what will he do when he’ll fall in love with some guy who’ll love him back, he answered „I’ll just send him to hellâ€Â. He says he’ll never be together with a guy, no matter what. He would even push away a guy he loved, that shocked me.
I just don’t know what to do. I want to help him so much, but he doesn't really listen. He’s not even religious and his family is not religious. I accepted myself fast, so maybe I don’t really understand what he feels like, but I don’t think it’s possible to hide from your sexuality all your life? How can I help him?
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There is nothing you can do to help any person that is not prepared to help himself.
Yes he is heading down a path of self destruction, torment, pain and yes we can see that he is going to take innocent people down with him if he doesn't come to his senses first...BUT that is the path that he is choosing right now and you cannot stop that.
All you can do is stand back and watch this train derail in slow motion, but be their like a true friend when he comes off the rails to support him and get him back on the right track.
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jeez, that's pretty grim.
Well, there isn't really anything you can do but be a friend and an
ear if he wants to talk. The only person that can change his outlook is
himself.
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Got to gay friends that foster gay youth in las cruces, also know of some that have adopted, so kids should not be an issue, maybe not blood but need you just the same, just saying, James
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Eventually he will learn that he is gay and no amount of denial or trying to 'cure' himself is going to work. There is no cure - but he needs to learn that in his own way.
Yes, no doubt he will destroy many a lovely lady in his pursuit of his own happiness. Indeed he runs a high risk of becoming a husband and a father and around age 40 suddenly coming out of the closet and dragging his family through a virtual hell.
His choice.
IDK - perhaps if you tell him that there are many a gay men who ended up doing the 'straight life style' and then when they hit 40 they suddenly realized they made the wrong choice - maybe if you can be mean and cruel and blunt about this enough it will wake him up.
I suggest the Craigslist ads, Men for Men ads is an interesting read. Many, many, many 'married straight' guys are looking for sex on the side 'discretely' meaning they are cheating on their wives and don't want to be caught. Many are in their 40's or older and I can bet that all of them knew they were gay way hella long ago and made this choice to play it straight and it worked for a decade or so, but now they have to settle for 'just sex' and 'random encounters' instead of finding love with a man.
Honestly, Google will undoubtably be able to pull up stories of old guys who threw their lot in with being straight and 'ruined' any chance they had at finding 'happiness' because they knew all along they were gay.
I think you need to find those stories, those adverts and print them up and shove them into his face and tell him 'I'm just trying to keep you from being one of these guys.'
Its mean, its cruel, its harsh, and brutal - but honestly if you want to 'help' him you are going to have to shock him awake, scare the crap out of him and show him how sad and pathetic this choice is - and show him that many make this choice and it never ends well.
Humans are queer beasts, they all think they are magically immune to 'shit' - "Sure shit happens to everyone else but Not Me!!!!"
You need to figure out a way to get him to see beyond this 'Not Me!!!' thing that humans have and see his own future clearly in the eyes of so many other men who have done this and ended up being miserable, most making a lovely lady miserable, and bringing in innocent children into the mix who as a father they shatter in interesting little ways by suddenly 'turning gay'....
Sure most kids in the modern world are 'cool' with the idea of gay parents, but most who have a father who 'turns gay' later in life often ask themselves a lot of questions... Such as 'Well if dad has always been gay, then was he just using mom? Did he ever love her? Was I wanted?'.... Lots of those types of questions are thought, rarely asked.
If you can show him this potential world, this future where he shocks and awes too many people into silence and does serious damage, perhaps he will change is course and accept himself for who and what he is.
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There's the thing that he's not really in denial. He realizes that he.is gay, he can say it and discuss it. Also, he is not dating girls and at least he told me he will not be with a woman either, as he realizes that's not gonna turn him straight. He just plans to spend his life alone. He strongly believes gay is wrong and he was like-if I can't like women, I won't be with a man either.
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I don't know if this is what he is going through or not, but I used to be really judgmental about myself being gay. I was absolutely fine with other people, but I felt really bad about the feelings/attractions I had. So I just told myself that I would rather live alone. Needless to say, that lead to a lot of other problems. Maybe try seeing if he wants to talk about how he views himself?
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findingmyway Wrote:I don't know if this is what he is going through or not, but I used to be really judgmental about myself being gay. I was absolutely fine with other people, but I felt really bad about the feelings/attractions I had. So I just told myself that I would rather live alone. Needless to say, that lead to a lot of other problems. Maybe try seeing if he wants to talk about how he views himself?
What do you mean-how he views himself?
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At the end of the day he has to discover who he is and accept himself for what he is.
The best thing you can do is make sure he knows your there to support him in everyway you can. You can't force him to accept that he's gay, and I suspect that if you tried you would only end up spoiling the friendship you have today.
Good Luck,
ObW
X
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For Davis: basically, his self-esteem and self-confidence. He has told you how he feels being gay is wrong. Are there other parts of him that he feels are "wrong"? Again, I could be wrong, but I imagine that if he wants to deny himself this, he might have a lot of self-loathing going on.
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