Frustration at not feeling valued

[driftwood]

I am sorry I am not being real rational right now my pain is doing a lot of the talking. All I need is just a hug

Yeah, if any of us was within the greater San Antonio area, we'd be there within a couple hours, but we're spread out all over the world, and this is reality.

But I am getting so pissed off. Because of your negative attitude, you haven't even heard a single word of what we've been saying to you. Look, I'm in the same boat as you! So are some of the other guys who have posted. For you, it's your looks. For me, it's my age. For each of them, it's something else.

Look shithead, you've got to quit thinking you're the only one who has a problem meeting the right people. We all have problems in this area. Some to a greater degree, some lesser. If you are really serious, if you really want change, HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO:

1st. Get those toxic people out of your life! Don't text, email, call, talk or in any other way communicate with them. You'd be much better off as a hermit than associating with poisonous people. But we're going to show you how you don't need to go to that extreme.

2nd. Tomorrow morning, get up and say to yourself "I'm going nowhere fast. I need a new strategy, a new direction. I'm going to try this idea, and see if it has any merit." Quite simply, every time someone asks "How are you?" answer "I'm terrific!" Don't even wait for them to ask - just say it "I'm wonderful. How about you?" Do it all day, no exceptions. Yeah, it sounds cheesy, but you know what? -it works. I've been doing this for years -have I experienced nirvana? no. -ecstacy? no. But I'm still alive and it has helped - in little ways. It's the little things, that added up make the big differences in our lives. If you apply that one tool, believe me, it will make a difference.

3rd. Read over the suggestions in this thread. Mr Tinkles had some good ideas I'm thinking about using myself. Don't forget, life is a journey, and we're all travelling the same road together. And yeah, if you happen to bump into any of those guys who were feeding you all that bullshit, just put a smile on your face and say "You guys are so fucking clueless!" and then just keep on walking.

4th Stay in touch. keep posting and let us know about your progress. Ask us for more suggestions. We are not professionals, but some of us have good ideas. Sometimes it's better to go to the "inperts" for the freshest ideas.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have been on a real depressive trip ever since I came out. My expectation was that finally I would find a community of people who would value me, accept me and see the good in me. How wrong I was. Instead many months after coming out and all I have found are guys that call me ugly, they shun me. Every good quality I do have they render irrelevant by saying that it does not count now that I am gay. They have shown me pictures of porn stars and tell me that I need to look like that in order for any guy to be intrested in having sex with me. The nicer tell me I do have a good personality but that will count for nothing if I do not have porn star looks to back up my inner qualities because it is the looks that get the guys to come through the door.

Look, if a person is turning to porn pictures to give you pointers on how YOU should be, they are more fucked up in the head than you will ever be, and you need to distance yourself from them.

Porn is FANTASY.... Its not real life.... In real life guys lose their erections, guys are quiet, few actually do the wheel barrel maneuver and in porn there is a good deal of Photoshop used, or back in the day 'airbrushing'.

Also understand that the guys picked in porn were picked because they have 6-pack abs and are hung like little horses. They literally dropped their pants to get the job. And if you ever watched a porn movie you will find that many of them are so dense they forget their lines.

From what I being told from them and from what I am seeing in the gay media it just seems that it takes a lot of work to be gay. You have to be hotter, be smarter, be richer than the average guy to even be considered average in the gay community.

Plenty of ugly ducklings in the real world. Understand you are mistaking the 'scene' as for being gay. In all honesty the Media would have us believe all manner of things... Just because the Media says X doesn't mean its actually true.

Stop watching TV, reading magazines oh and watching all of that porn... I bet its the porn that is filling your head with much silly nonsense.

The demands are just too much for me too keep up but I am becoming increasinly convinced that they are right in what they are telling me. If they are I am screwed and I should just forget about sex unless if I pay for it and I should definitely forget relationships cause no guy is going to want to settle for anything less than a porn hottie with brains.

(paragraph)

Like this one guy who works in the porn business who has geeky side too, they introduced me to him and told me that he is the standard for guys in the community and that I should aim to be like that if I want to be accepted.

I can not be like that though even if I tried. I feel so overwhelmed and cursed because these requirements are insane but they do seem to be the standard for gay men. It has gotten so bad to the point where I am thinking about suicide. I have enough problems let alone this one warning me that any attempt on my part to have sex and get a boyfriend will be a dismal failure if I do not look like that Liam Magnuson guy they keep talking about.

If this is all really true then how can I be happy being gay? I would rather be dead than to live a life where I am so universally reviled and rejected by the beautiful people that populate the gay community. It is not a problem for most gay guys because most gay guys are attractive so this system works for them. Not for me though...no one wants to cuddle with me. I am feeling kinda suicidal right now tbh.

Vomit... That is what this is, you are vomiting up a lot of rant/crap/shit.

No you are no suicidal because all of all of these bad, mean, people.

You are Suicidal because you are depressed.

From what you have said about yourself, you are a chub to a bear. Stop going to Twink Bars and getting opinions from Twinks about what chubs/bears are about.

Honestly, how many people - I want an accurate count here - have told you you are ugly and not fit to be gay?

I find it very difficult to believe that every gay man you have met has said that and that you have met all 16, 315.5 gay males in San Antonio.
[URL="http://qsanantonio.com/demographics.html"]
The GLB population within the San Antonio City limits has been estimated at 32,631 which is 3.8% of the total population. [/URL]

Yes there are SOME really mean, nasty shallow, jaded queens who will tell you all sorts of mean and nasty stuff because they feel like shit about their own life. Most Gay men will be nice and play nice, and won't say 'OMG you are too ugly to be gay....'

I think what is happening here is you are fixated on a few (perhaps one, maybe two comments from A person) and have totally spun out on it.

I further suspect that you have a depression issue and this is all feeding that, the depression was there, and you thought you would feel better if you came out, but discovered that you are out and still depressed.

Depression doesn't just magically go away. Most people with depression live with it for the rest of their life. It doesn't magically disappear. There are treatment options to make it more bearable.

I'm going to commit suicide.

No you ain't. Want to know why I know you ain't? Because people who are really at the point where they are going to really opt out of life stop talking about it. This is why it is nearly always a huge fucking surprise when a person does commit suicide, no one saw it coming because the person who offed themselves shut up and didn't let on because they didn't want anyone interfering.

There is hotline to discuss this topic of self-murder: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I strongly suggest you use it.

If not, then I strongly suggest you talk to your doctor about your feelings, or go to the ER room and tell them what you are thinking - they will give you a few days rest in a nice quiet room if you tell them you want to kill yourself.

Suicide requires PROFESSIONAL help... We can't give you professional help.

Sorry.

[Drkmcnamara]

You know I have read through all of your posts and well you all are right. I am a terrible person who complains way to much about life. It is time I got back control of myself. Who needs friends anyways?
Who needs acceptance? Who needs love?
Well I am going to show the world that my answer to those questions will be, "not me".
I see how it is and Bowyn Aerrow thank you for making me see the light. Even the guys who are nice to me are just faking it. You are right most gay men will play nice and I am sure most of the guys here are doing exactly that, just being nice. Even though in their minds they are saying 'OMG you are too ugly to be gay...' as well. You know the truth, that I am a horrible human being who needs to shut up about his feelings. Those few men who did say those things to me are just repeating what is already on everyone's mind.
Thank you for telling me truth of how horrible of a person I actually am. And of course you do know that being a chub (which I dont consider myself to be but I am percieved as that anyways) is a guaranteed recepie for making sure that you will be lonely for the rest of your life. They are the most hated and reviled men in the whole community and I guess I am a part of all of that.
I have a feeling you want me to kill myself otherwise why would you write what you wrote? At least you are honest and told me the truth. The truthvof how little a guy like me is valued, I guarantee you if I looked like an adonis and said I wanted to kill myself that everyone here would beg me not to do it because if I were an adonis I would actually be valuable to all of you. Instead because I am this ugly ogre I am having guys like you egg me on to do it.
I was a mistake anyways and be honest with me for once everyone, you know that I do not belong in this world just as much as I know it to be true.

[ggugcuuau]

Drkmcnamara, your perception of BA's response is biased by your own depression. BA gave you solid and realistic advice... I don't think he was trying to be mean for the sake of it, instead he was trying to slap you back into reality. You are depressed and not taking the good advice of GS members because of your current state of mind.

Life is far from perfect... at times it's wonderful and in those moments we forget that rest of the time it's a big ball of shit we just have to deal with. There is more to life than just sex and romantic love... if you find these aren't working for you then focus on other aspects of your life. Make friends (real friends, maybe try having a few conversations here on GS), embrace your hobbies, take up relaxation techniques to help with your emotional state. You may find love by just enjoying yourself and having some fun.

On the topic of killing yourself... I'm in the view that this is our only go at life and once it's over it's fucking over for good.... no pearly gates. So before you decide to top yourself decide do you really want to step off this mortal coil? Is there nothing else you want to do in life other than finding a love interest... some find comfort in helping the less fortunate, travelling the world or even just exploiting this world for their own pleasures.

Get help if you must and bitch about your woes if you feel you need to... but don't throw accusations at others who try to help you. Try to grow a pair and aim to take a hold of your life... cause no one else will!

[driftwood]

There is more to life than just sex and romantic love... if you find these aren't working for you then focus on other aspects of your life. Make friends (real friends, maybe try having a few conversations here on GS), embrace your hobbies, take up relaxation techniques to help with your emotional state... some find comfort in helping the less fortunate, travelling the world or even just exploiting this world for their own pleasures.

This is an important point. You don't pay any attention to what we say, because you want to hang on to your depression. OK fine. Be depressed if you want, but while you're being depressed, find something better to do and talk about than suicide. Many people swear by volunteer work as great therapy. The more you talk about suicide, the less likely you will do it, but the more miserable you will become.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So many imperfections in an unforgiving, highly demanding pool of guys always equals disaster for me. Maybe I should find disabled guys to be with maybe they all accept me

Hmm. So you want to date all of the guys or are you looking for just that one?

[Rawr]

Only read the first post, so my apologies if I'm just repeating whats been said.

However, after reading the first post, I can't help but to feel a little amazed at how these people think. Personally, I think their narrow minded, superficial dweeblets, and that you should take all that they have taught you, and forget about it.

What they have told you has no doubt had a negative effect on you. Luckily I think your in the right place. Gay speak is full of amazing people in which you can learn a lot from, (as I'm sure you have already learned.) You'll find out that most people aren't as narrow minded, and hopefully in a few months you will learn to appreciate yourself a little more.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You know I have read through all of your posts and well you all are right. I am a terrible person who complains way to much about life. It is time I got back control of myself. Who needs friends anyways?
Who needs acceptance? Who needs love?
Well I am going to show the world that my answer to those questions will be, "not me".
I see how it is and Bowyn Aerrow thank you for making me see the light. Even the guys who are nice to me are just faking it. You are right most gay men will play nice and I am sure most of the guys here are doing exactly that, just being nice. Even though in their minds they are saying 'OMG you are too ugly to be gay...' as well. You know the truth, that I am a horrible human being who needs to shut up about his feelings. Those few men who did say those things to me are just repeating what is already on everyone's mind.
Thank you for telling me truth of how horrible of a person I actually am. And of course you do know that being a chub (which I dont consider myself to be but I am percieved as that anyways) is a guaranteed recepie for making sure that you will be lonely for the rest of your life. They are the most hated and reviled men in the whole community and I guess I am a part of all of that.
I have a feeling you want me to kill myself otherwise why would you write what you wrote? At least you are honest and told me the truth. The truthvof how little a guy like me is valued, I guarantee you if I looked like an adonis and said I wanted to kill myself that everyone here would beg me not to do it because if I were an adonis I would actually be valuable to all of you. Instead because I am this ugly ogre I am having guys like you egg me on to do it.
I was a mistake anyways and be honest with me for once everyone, you know that I do not belong in this world just as much as I know it to be true.

At least you are honest and told me the truth.

Ah that is why. I am honest, to the point where I will point out the shit in a blunt way that often causes a person to react negatively.

Even after being shot for my bluntness (the "hunting accident") I still continue telling people exactly how it is.

Chub/Bear - I for one prefer guys with padding - which is to say moderately fat. I dislike popping abs to the point where sometimes I taste a bit of vomit rising to the back of my throat when I see them.

I am not alone that, there are a lot - a whole hell of a lot - of guys who are really size queens - no not necessarily dick size but into larger (therefore more masculine) guys.

You can't see the forest because of all the trees - I get that. Hell I have done the suicide thing myself. I killed myself 30 December 1994. I died - no heart beat, no pulse, no sucking in another lungful of air.

I know exactly what you are feeling. Been there, did that - I am most likely closing in on my next self murder due to a ration of shit that has been happening in an unending assault of 'bad luck' that is eroding what is left of my sanity.

January 2013 I put the muzzle of my side arm in my mouth... I came very, very close to splattering my brains across the wall. The only thing that stopped me was my concern that my roommate would flip his gourd and go irretrievable insane over finding THAT mess when he came home.

I even mentioned here on gayspeak AFTER I decided not to pull the trigger....

I toy with a bullet - granted I did the smart thing and all my firearms are now locked away half a state away from me in my brother in law's gun safe... but I kept a bullet to toy with, to contemplate endings with.

I know the struggle, I know what it feels like, I know exactly how much improved life would be if one could just stop all of that damned living.

I know what suicides do - because I have done it myself.

Right now you are in the 'I need attention' phase of your depression. Trust me you really don't want to die, something inside of you is still fighting for life. That is why you keep on posting, screaming for someone notice you.

Gods damn it man, I Notice you - I see you - And I am trying to reach out to you and rattle your cage and push you into getting help.

Its when you get all silent, and stop talking about it and only think about it that its a real problem as in a terminal problem.

I told you you are depressed, and that depression is what you are going on about. That whole 'everybody hates me' thing you are feeling is not because every body hates you, its because Depression is telling you everybody hates you.

Depression is telling you you are ugly as sin.
Depression is telling you that you are too fat to get a date.
Depression is turning every molehill in your life into an impassible mountain.
Depression has made death a far more attractive thing than life.

Depression is making you read my words and interpret them into 'you are horrible person'.

Please, give me some credit for my integrity and blunt truthfulness, if I thought you were a horrible person for even a moment I would have told you that point blank.

I guarantee you if you looked like adonis and were still depressed you would still be talking about offing yourself.

I hate to admit this but I'm not half bad when it comes to the looks department, I'm kinda easy on the eye if you know what I mean. But I don't feel it, I don't believe it - I have to rely on other people telling me 'you're good looking' to that godaweful 'God your cute' (puppies are cute, kittens are cute - men are never cute... GRRRRR)

So 'goodlooks' and being 'cute' (grrr) won't make you less sad about stuff.

This is not an external issue here, this is an internal, in the head issue - this is Depression not your physical looks, not your physical health, this is mental/emotional health.