Advice on separation anxiety / trust issues

[spongey]

Hello All:

This is my first post here, and I'm really looking for some solid advice or at least someone to talk to.

I'm in a relationship with a guy who lives about an hour away. We have been seeing each other for the past 7 months. We only recently created the "boyfriend" title between us.

I work a full time job and he works part time and goes to school. It makes finding time for us to do stuff difficult.

The best times to hang out are obviously the weekends. We've been hanging out on weekends since we've met. Occasionally we meet up during the week and do stuff too, but not often.

Anyway - for the past few weeks it's seemed like I don't actually get to see him as much as I'd like to. I've talked to him about this and he says I'm being dramatic and he needs more "space and me time". However, I only get to see him once or twice a week, and I feel like I need more time than that...or at least that at a minimum.

I'm not sure how much less time I can spend with him to make him happy. I want to spend more time and he wants more space. He says he loves me and wants to be with me...but it feels like I'm just such a low priority in his life.

I do love him and have gone through great lengths to make him happy but it just seems like he's not willing to do the same.

Also, I'm leaving the country in 5 weeks to go on a trip around the world for over a month and I won't see him at all during that time. In my mind I'd like to spend more time with him before then but he doesn't seem to care that much.

I'm scared and not sure what to do. Every time I ask him to do something I feel like I'm further pushing a wedge between us.

Sorry this is long..it's more complicated than all of this, but I'll start with this. Help?

[southbiochem]

You 2 need a talk about this.

Cause you ain't spending that much time with him to begin with. How much less time would he be happy with?

Perhaps he's tired. Work and school can be time and energy-consuming. Or perhaps he has a different agenda. But then why spend 7 months together?

Could it be that he doesn't like the new "BF" status? Does he feel like he's being tied down and doesn't want to? Maybe he doesn't want to get further involved on account of you leaving? Cause other than that I don't see a logic reason for him not twant to spend at least one day of the week with you.

You need an answer for him.

[spongey]

We chatted over text and facebook about it last night. I know he's tired from work and school, and I try to give him the space and time he needs. But like, he says he loves me and I say I love him. To me..that means I want to spend time with him and be in his life, and know his friends.

But he feels like he needs his own space and friends. I understand it, but I want our lives to be connected not separate.

He just feels like when he says no to me I get upset..which is partially true. But he says NO after he says YES..which pisses me off. I keep my weekends pretty clear because it's the only time I can see him. I don't see him all week and I know he meets up with friends / has dinner / does whatever during the days with people. He has his "me" time...he's just choosing to fill it with other things. I want our "us" time.

Typically it goes like this: We hang out, have a blast, after I head home we text a day or two about missing eachother and just generally what's going on in our lives. Then after another day or two he gets more distant, stops responding to messages, and blows plans off. I hate it.

[Chris]

It reminded me my personal story. There was also an hour distance between me and my first boyfriend. I broke up with him because we saw each other only on weekends and there was no possibility to change it within the next year and felt that I had the whole life awaiting and would find another bf easily. But four years later I realized he was the best what happened to me... So don't let the distance split you.

[spongey]

I don't want the distance to divide us. I have definitely been trying my hardest to make it work.

I just feel like he is letting the distance become part of the relationship and use it as an excuse. I go up there 90% of the time, he only comes here rarely.

I don't even care about that...I just want him to want to see me. He says he does, but then his actions show otherwise. If he really does love me and want to be with me, then why does he need his space from me on the only days that I can see him?

I think he plans things over me, with other friends or other guys, I'm not sure. He's definitely done some things for me to question my trust in him but I've given him a few chances.

[spongey]

You 2 need a talk about this.

Cause you ain't spending that much time with him to begin with. How much less time would he be happy with?

Perhaps he's tired. Work and school can be time and energy-consuming. Or perhaps he has a different agenda. But then why spend 7 months together?

Could it be that he doesn't like the new "BF" status? Does he feel like he's being tied down and doesn't want to? Maybe he doesn't want to get further involved on account of you leaving? Cause other than that I don't see a logic reason for him not twant to spend at least one day of the week with you.

You need an answer for him.

We've talked extensively on it. He just feels like I'm being overreactionary and dramatic. I feel like I'm being misled and am a low priority in his life.

I keep telling him we need to communicate better and he pulls stuff like telling me we're going to hang out up till the last minute and says he can't and we never had "solid plans anyway". I asked him earlier this week to do stuff Saturday, he said yes. I asked him a few days later and he said "I do". I tried planning different activities but he kept saying they didn't sound like what he wanted this weekend. I asked him then if he could just plan a date or something.

Well last night he said "No date, no hanging out".

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Job and school...

Maybe weekends are so sacrosanct to him because he needs the time to recharge. Sure he wants to be around you and share in life and stuff, but he just can't because he has exhausted his supply of sociability at work, at school and all of those day to day things he must do.

Then there is another aspect to this, you are leaving him. Going to go away for a long time... perhaps what is happening is he is distancing himself from you because deep inside he just knows that after 5 weeks away you are going to tell him you found something better....

Yeah I know that is just a feeling, may not pan out that way.... however a lot of people distance themselves if they think they are losing someone.

[spongey]

Well, for the leaving him thing, it definitely weighs on both of us. However, I'm much more worried about him finding someone else than about me, and he knows this.

Through the beginning of our relationship, he's done things to make it difficult. He has commitment issues and I don't want to be with anybody else except him. He has cheated on me and blamed feeling like he was getting too close to me and didn't want to hurt me in the long run.

But he has worked hard and apologized and it seemed like it was getting really better for a while.

Here is one thing he's told me in the past: "I don't care if you sleep with other people, I just don't want you to have an emotional connection with them." And later said "I can't imagine you sleeping with someone, it gets me mad and jealous". He wants it both ways..his freedom and not mine. However, I don't even want the freedom, I'm head over heels for him..so he knows this.

I've told him while I'm gone he will be able to have sex with whoever he wants as long as he's safe, but it scares me because I think that's going to encourage him to leave me.

[Woollyhats]

Hi Spongey,

There is importance in leaving your boyfriend time to himself, but of equal importance is the time you spend with him.

When I first started dating, I wasn't used to having someone in my life like my boyfriend. It was stressful, and annoying. My boyfriend on the other hand loves being with me ALL of the time. Predictably our first big argument was over him not feeling like I loved him, and me explaining that time to oneself is required.

So, at first I would sometimes explain that I required certain days to myself. Gradually it's gotten to a point where we spend time together every single day and I like it, but that wasn't how it started. The thing to understand here is that I, and many other people, are used to a lot of alone time, time to think, do homework, to just relax after feeling drained from school and work.

And yes, sometimes I will cancel an indefinite plan if a teacher suddenly reveals I have a midterm the day following a weekend.

So from my experience, I really feel everything from the first post you made is extremely normal.

However,

Problems are obvious in the second post. His commitment issues have a root somewhere, it might help to try finding that and understanding them. Also, he is clearly fine with an open relationship. You are not, you are obviously trying to mimic being okay with the idea, but you aren't. You need to communicate that you want a closed relationship. If that's not okay or he cheats, realize that he doesn't truly care or notice how his actions affect you or others, and you definitely don't want a boyfriend like that.

Hopefully you're able to work your problems out..

[East]

There might be a different problem in your case. You say you live in Sunnyvale and refer to "going up there"....I am guessing San Francisco or close by...

Having grown up in Silicon Valley I can tell you that a lot of people from SF or around that area do not like traveling south...a lot of them simply refuse.

That might be part of the problem that is unique to the area.