Problem

[Maxi]

Not that great at these things!

Anyway, problem at hand -

I have only recently accepted the fact that im gay (when i say accepted, i don't even think i've got that far) basically background -
I thought i was gay and i was devastated, i mean i have friends who are gay and thats fine, but for me to be gay, i couldn't accept it. It was awful to me because i could see it was gonna make my life more difficult than it already was, it would be harder finding someone to love, prejudice, what would my parents think, loss of friends, shattering of my mini dream of having a husband kids etc....
After a while i started coming round, my best friend helped me to understand i could still have that mini dream of mine, just with a women instead of a man. I could fall in love, yeah it would be harder but isn't everything that's good, hard to obtain (not counting chocolate!) I just had to be strong
So i think i have almost come to terms with my orientation. However i have a boyfriend of 4/5months, we havn't done anything (i was never keen, now i know why!) I have split up with him before but he was so devastated i felt so terrible, i took him back (I know wrong move) Now its been about a month since we went back out, I have to split up with him. it's not fair to him to lead him on, and it isn't fair to me, to stay ina relationship with someone i don't like. I guess the reason i let our relationship go-on was because staying with him meant me clinging to me still being straight, losing him meant losing all shred of thought that i was still straight. So if anyone has any ideas about how to do this please help.
Also, i have a crush on a girl in my class, don't know if she's gay/bi. Trouble is, she is a friend of mine already (thin ice if it doesn't work!) Also in my class there are lots of girls who think being 'bi' is a fashion statement and if your a lez then your dead..basically, if your for real anyway. I don't see how if she did, by some miracle, like me back, that this could EVER work!

Please Help

Mx

[princealbertofb]

Not that great at these things!

Anyway, problem at hand -

I have only recently accepted the fact that im gay (when i say accepted, i don't even think i've got that far) basically background -
I thought i was gay and i was devastated, i mean i have friends who are gay and thats fine, but for me to be gay, i couldn't accept it. It was awful to me because i could see it was gonna make my life more difficult than it already was, it would be harder finding someone to love, prejudice, what would my parents think, loss of friends, shattering of my mini dream of having a husband kids etc....
After a while i started coming round, my best friend helped me to understand i could still have that mini dream of mine, just with a women instead of a man. I could fall in love, yeah it would be harder but isn't everything that's good, hard to obtain (not counting chocolate!) I just had to be strong
So i think i have almost come to terms with my orientation. However i have a boyfriend of 4/5months, we havn't done anything (i was never keen, now i know why!) I have split up with him before but he was so devastated i felt so terrible, i took him back (I know wrong move) Now its been about a month since we went back out, I have to split up with him. it's not fair to him to lead him on, and it isn't fair to me, to stay ina relationship with someone i don't like. I guess the reason i let our relationship go-on was because staying with him meant me clinging to me still being straight, losing him meant losing all shred of thought that i was still straight. So if anyone has any ideas about how to do this please help.
Also, i have a crush on a girl in my class, don't know if she's gay/bi. Trouble is, she is a friend of mine already (thin ice if it doesn't work!) Also in my class there are lots of girls who think being 'bi' is a fashion statement and if your a lez then your dead..basically, if your for real anyway. I don't see how if she did, by some miracle, like me back, that this could EVER work!

Please Help

Mx

Hello Maxi,

I think you are right in thinking that it is no longer fair to your "boyfriend" to lead him on like this. He can't be getting out of the relationship what he ought to be entitled to have out of it, that is if he really likes women. In any case, one thing you should consider is explaining to him why the two of you can't work, ie that you don't think you are into boys really and that's why you've been stand-offish. Is he the sort of person who might listen to you that way? Is he the kind of boy who might turn out to be a real friend rather than a boyfriend? He certainly deserves to be given at least credit for trying to make your couple work and there is therefore no reason why you shouldn't want him to be happy in another partnership. I think you should tell him that. That as a friend you wish him to be happy and you are not the one who can do that for him.

As for the other problem of that crush, that is quite a delicate matter. Have you ANY reason to suspect that this girl would be interested in you romantically at all? Or is this pure crush material, in that you'll only be able to dote on her while she remains unreachable?

You say she's already a friend. Well it seems to me that if she IS a friend, then she could hear you out on you having feelings for women (as a general rule). Don't tell her outright that you are crushing on her. That may make her uneasy or uncomfortable. See how she feels about the general idea of YOU being gay: Can she accept it? Can she remain a friend (whether or not she wants to give a relationship a go)? How close a friend is she? Are there secrets that you can tell her and know she'll keep to herself if you let her know?

Basically, I think what you're saying is that you'd like to keep her as a friend if you can't have her as a girlfriend. Well, see how far her friendship will extend. Will she reject you once she finds out you're gay, or will she stand by you whatever happens? If she rejects you, then I'd say good riddance, she wasn't that good a friend after all. If, on the contrary she stands by you as a friend, well, I think you can be sure that she'll be that sort of friend always.

Actually, if she's astute, she may even understand that you are crushing on her, but then it's for you to let her say how she feels about it. Is she comfortable with it? Does she want to give it a try? Would she rather not do anything about it? etc... I think once she knows this, it's her call.

These are just a few of the things I think you could try discussing with her.
What is you privileged way of communication? Direct conversation? phoning? writing? texting? Messenger? Find the mode that is the most convenient for you and then you can deal with it.

[Maxi]

He isn't really a listener, and he did once say if we split up we couldn't be friends because he likes me to much. I don't think he would understand about my sexual orientation, hence why i am hesitant to tell all to him. He isn't that great-a confidant! I think i will use your advice with what to say as it sounds tres sensible and thanx

With regards to my crush, im not sure if its just a 'want-what-i-can't-have' crush or an actuall, 'yeah-we-could-be-together' She is the kind of friend who if i told her my feelings, she would be uncomfortable with the crush (unless she liked me) but she would be fine with me being gay. I think i may test the waters a bit first though, never can be too careful with these things!

I think i work better with face-to-face i don't like dealing with things like this with technology because you can't see there body language or expression.

Mx