Do I have a problem or just really high standards?

[Countrylad]

Hi guys. I'm 23 years old from the Midlands region of England. A few years ago I moved to London to start university but ended up falling in love for the first time instead. I was so crazy about this guy, he was everything to me. The usual first love crap.

Then after a year, I found out he was an illegal immigrant and also a £50 rent boy.

Obviously I now know how stupid I was. My heart completely ruled my head. He was emotionally ruthless - I didn't know people could operate like that. It was the first time I properly felt something for someone.

I moved back home and have since got a good job and a promotion to a department that I love. I also trade the stock markets independently.

I follow fashion because dressing nice boosts my confidence at work and in public. People always comment on my looks and say I'm good looking but despite this a lot of people don't realise I'm gay, without me saying, because I'm not the stereotype. A lot of guys (and girls/ladies) show interest in me but I can't find myself ever interested in them. Is it wrong to say I want to find someone similar to myself? Lol

My problem is that I can't find myself attracted enough to another person to want to start a relationship or even a fling. I haven't had sex in nearly a year. It's beginning to embarrass me because people always ask me who I'm seeing and I'm never seeing anyone. My friends, both gay and straight, always have a new partner to talk about.

I sometimes go to gay clubs and I'm always approached by men there and also online but whilst I might find them attractive - there will always be something about them that puts me off wanting to take it further.

I do want a relationship I just feel I haven't met the right person but it's been so long. Do I have a problem or just really high standards?

[Pix]

Depends on how miserable you are. It might be your standards are "too high" though that's pretty subjective (I've also noticed plenty with very high standards don't live up to their own standards--not saying that's true of you, just something I've noticed in general and goes into how subjective it all is).

OTOH, if you're okay with being patient then it isn't really a problem, it will happen when it's time and there's plenty other things to do until then. And I'd think dating someone just so you don't feel embarrassed would be an even bigger problem.

[SilverBullet]

Everyone has flaws
In my opinion you shouldn't look at a relationship as a fail just because of your partners imperfections, you should look at it as "am I happier with this individual than I am by myself" If yes, then that person is an improvement to your quality of life. Its funny because my significant other although far more perfect than myself has his flaws, but I actually love them as well, they shape his character and make him unique. Just find someone with flaws that you can live with and give it a shot, I think allot of people today don't see dating the way I believe its meant for, to get to know a person better. SOO date some of these guys, give them a shot, you will probably be pleasantly surprised and fall for one.

[Wolfpack]

Hi countrylad and welcome to gs
I also live in the Midlands of England

Do not rush into anything due to be feeling pressured because others are in relationships.
Nothing wrong in wanting to find someone like yourself.
As the saying goes "you might have to kiss a thousand frogs before finding your prince"

I also have this path to navigate,trying to find that special someone so you are not alone.

[Mark]

Hi - deep post to start with! Maybe it is high standards maybe it isn't. Maybe you are just looking to be happy and all these people hitting on you aren't giving you that. Sometimes people look in the wrong places. What do you find attractive? If you can answer that then you can start looking for someone to make you happy!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"Then after a year, I found out he was an illegal immigrant and also a £50 rent boy."

And did you ever ask him it he was legal or a rent boy?... If not then its not wholly his fault that these subjects came up.

Frankly I fail to see how those two new factors change what you two had

As for finding people like you... well honey where do you hang out? Well that will be basically where people like you hang out.

I hang out at home, thus I already know if I was foolish enough to want to make the huge mistake of getting in a realtionship with someone like me, I would have to resort to a lot of break and entry...

So are you a homebody by nature? or a workaholic? if you are then someone like you isn't going to be easy to find.

[Wardo94]

There's no indication in what you said that says you have high standards. I'm almost like you when it comes to dating and friends as well. I'm a major introvert and hate to have a million friends at the palm of my hand who will want to hang out with my every second of the day. I like to have a small handful of friends who I really enjoy to hang out with and can trust, rather than 100 acquaintances. When it comes to dating, I am very selective as well. The first thing I look into a guy is there personality. I always say that if a guy looks super hot and has a disgusting personality, then that just makes them look so ugly to me. It's a big turn off. And that's how dating works and should be. Now a days, some guys meet you and want start the relationship the second they know your name. The point of dating and making little dates here and there, is to see how that person is hanging out and what not. I've done it before where I immediately claim some guy my bf and 3 weeks later, after a few dates, I have the biggest regret. These things take time and comes to everybody at a different and at different paces. There is nothing wrong with you. Just take these things slow and get to know the guys you have dates with or get to know. As time goes, you'll find the right guy. Everybody has that "Mr./Ms. Right" somewhere. It just takes time and will come to you when the time is right.

[freelandia]

You're not stupid. Love happens without a warning. The plus side is you've realized that you're not a robot, you can feel, hurray! Don't give up on love; however, if you keep on trading in this volatile economy, stupid won't be the only word you'll be saying. We've been following Wall Street for last three decades and a half.

[dianamaria]

High standards isn't a bad thing, trust me. A lot of people use the term as if it's a derogatory thing, and you and I are in the same boat.

Attraction is emotional as it is intellectual for me; so, if you know profusely less than I do about academia, worldly affairs, politics, etc., because though I may be young (I'm 20) I'm really too old for high school shenanigans.

I agree with Wolfpack: don't pressure yourself into finding someone, because maybe you just need to shuffle out some kinks in yourself before you can let yourself pursue someone.
I've been single for almost a year but everyone I know doesn't seem to take me seriously when I say that.

[Countrylad]

Hi Guys and thank you for your replies. I didn't mean to be controversial; perhaps I should have started with a lighter post.

I don't like to speak to my friends about my feelings - I think I'm telling myself it's just a male ego thing - so it's good to see what people here have to say and I'm always a fan of a reality check.

I don't think I have too high standards and I didn't mean to imply that anybody who isn't similar to me isn't good enough. Though I do believe that I live up to what I expect from others.

I guess the most fundamental problem I face is location, whereas before I lived in central London, now I'm in a very small town where everybody knows each other and apart from for work I'm always too busy to get out.

In regards to him being illegal, that's fine - I don't have a problem with people having a different colour passport. When he eventually told me then I got him assistance and he's going to get legal status here. I did suspect he was so perhaps it was my fault for not being direct but it wasn't the main reason I ended the relationship. I didn't suspect he was a prostitute and I think it's fair to say that if you don't have suspicions then it is not a question that one is expected to ask as standard procedure in the beginning stage of relationships.

I'm not hating life being single. I enjoy life as it is and I feel blessed but I know that soon I will want more. So your posts have helped me and perhaps I need to get out more. Someone is likely to come along soon enough, maybe I just don't want him enough yet.

As I said, I'm always a fan of a reality check - thanks guys.