I just came out and I feel numb...

[swalter]

This is a great example of how religious beliefs, even among moderates, are poison. Beliefs inform actions, and when you hold hurtful, vile beliefs, it leads to hurtful, vile actions. This is why I have such a hard time understanding how otherwise good, reasonable people scratch and claw to be the first to defend these horrid religions. Everyone is so obsessed with accepting others and mitigating religious harm that they ignore the elephant in the room. Fuck religion. Fuck those shitty tomes of absurd ignorance. And if you defend these disgusting belief systems, fuck you too.

[CarGuy65]

Wow Swalter! Some people have a religion, some people don't and then there those of us that are spiritual but not religious like myself but that last statement was a bit harsh. I usually enjoy your post but WOW! I swore to myself I would never discuss religion with anybody....ever. Works great for me.


Shannon, I am happy for you. I too realized who I am at a later age. My ex wife and I get along great, work together and hang out quite often. Keep that as long as you can. You stuck your leg out for now but just keep working yourself out a little at a time and you will feel more relief as you go. Good luck to you! P

[Tyrion]

This is a great example of how religious beliefs, even among moderates, are poison. Beliefs inform actions, and when you hold hurtful, vile beliefs, it leads to hurtful, vile actions. This is why I have such a hard time understanding how otherwise good, reasonable people scratch and claw to be the first to defend these horrid religions. Everyone is so obsessed with accepting others and mitigating religious harm that they ignore the elephant in the room. Fuck religion. Fuck those shitty tomes of absurd ignorance. And if you defend these disgusting belief systems, fuck you too.

Not every religious belief system is based on hate or intolerance, nor is every person who is religious. I think that generalization (especially flat out saying fuck you) is a bit absurd. I'm sure there are some people here who identify with and follow a particular religion and aren't hateful douchebags..

[AlohaShannon]

So my wife called my mom today to talk to her about yesterday's conversation. My wife defended me and really supported me once again. I'm so thankful to have her! We went shopping today and talked a lot. We talked about where we both are right now, talked about the clothes we saw, and the people walking around. I pointed out things I would wear if I were a woman and I raved about patterns and colors. I looked at her and said out loud, I'm gay. I have no doubt. While we were driving home she said that the dynamic of our relationship while we were shopping felt organic and the way it is supposed to be for us. We are both so much happier and finally relaxed around each other. There is no more "sort of" coming out.

As for the whole religion talk, it doesn't offend me when someone has such a strong belief about religion. But I would like to point out that such a reaction towards religion is the absolute same thing as an intolerant religious person. I'm a Christian and I love God. I also know that God loves me. I make the choice to model my life after the teachings if Christ. I belief He accepts me for exactly who I am. I also belief that there are plenty of Christians like me that aren't so fundamental. Stereotyping all Christians to be like the zealots from the Westboro Baptist Chirch or like my mom is as ignorant as stereotyping someone based on their color or sexual preference.

But I digress, let's try to keep this thread free of any hate talk. Regardless of my mom's reaction, I am ecstatic that I finally free to be me. I am also incredibly thankful for the support of my new BFF (she wants to make that distinction, she isn't my wife, she is my BFF) and each and every one of you. I hardly know you all but I already feel so close to you and supported. I am grateful for every response to my post (even swalter's!)

You all rock!

By the way, I am using my cell phone to post this so if there are words missing or spelling errors it is because it is a pain to proofread with a phone.

[CellarDweller]

Not trying to act like a 'mod', especially since I'm not one here, but how about those that want to discuss religion create a thread to debate it, and not highjack Shannon's thread, which is supposed to be about his coming out moment?

Again, congrats Shannon! As for your mom, I know a lot of people who say their parents 'came around', so don't think her opinion will be permanent.

[ChadCoxRox]

... I "sort of" came out today...I didn't come out and say "I'M GAY!" Instead, I just stuck a leg out of the door and shook it around. ... I thought about telling my mom that she destined me to be gay since she named me Shannon but thought that might be a little mean.

Happy April 22nd everyone!

This post made my day! 04/22/14 will be forever remembered for you new friend! Brothers are a mixed bag of tough. That relationship sounds promising.

OMG "Shannon I made you gay by giving you that name!!!???!!!" LOL Poor mom would probably feel torn knowing what a joker you are and how you might just be right!

SO encouraging to hear about your friendship with the spouse!!! Sounds like a very special lady.

Hang tough Shannon!! And thanks very much for sharing!

[Cuddly]

You should totally do a follow up Shannon!
You have a loyal following here, impatiently waiting for the next bit of the exciting story.

[ChadCoxRox]

You should totally do a follow up Shannon!
You have a loyal following here, impatiently waiting for the next bit of the exciting story.

Yesssss! :flirty-thank-you-sm

[matty7]

first time ive seen this thread - your ex wife/new bff is a really special person, she sounds so unselfish that I hope you remind her of that whenever you can - congrats on the new gay you, hope to hear how things have gone recently

[AlohaShannon]

I would love to give a follow-up but I must confess, things are not as optimistic as they were a week and a half ago. Unfortunately, this "new me" emergence was one that was too much for my soon-to-be-ex. This update does not have a happy ending and is the primary reason that I have not been very active in the forums.

I was utterly convinced that my wife truly saw our relationship as BFFs and not as husband and wife. She explained that as she looked back over the last few years of my self-discovering journey, she realized that she no longer loved me as a married couple should. She believed that the longer I continued to "pretend" to be straight and go through the motions of a married relationship, I would ultimately grow to resent her and we were just delaying the inevitable. She told me a couple weeks ago that our marriage was dead and she fully supported me growing into the gay man that she knew I was destined to be. Now I'm not saying I'm NOT gay, I'm just saying I didn't really consider myself gay when she first broached the subject.

Ok, so let's get to it...when she told me the marriage was over, it had been for quite some time, and it was time for me to accept who I am, I did just that. I put myself out there in order to find friends but ended up hooking up with someone instead. I didn't just come out of the closet to her, I leaped out, sprouted wings, and flew out the first open window I could find! So it turns out she is much more selfless than I thought. She urged me to accept my "gayness" - to which I did - but all her talk about not seeing me as her husband or loving me that way was apparently a bunch of crap. Our "friendship" took a HUGE turn for the worse last week after I had my encounter. We are now in the process of living apart and there is a lot of anger from her...and I completely agree with how she feels. Our original plan of co-parenting under the same roof and living in a "Will and Grace" fantasyland has come to a crashing halt. The prospect of being BFFs is sadly over.

In my messed up mind, I thought that everything she had said about how feels for me was true. In order to justify my desire to go out and meet up with people, I retroactively applied everything she said. Therefore, I wrongly reasoned that our relationship was over long ago, so I told myself that sufficient time had elapsed and I could go enjoy my new life. As I look back on it, I realize that I was callous and completely neglected to think of how my actions would impact her. I was selfish and chose my own gratification without an regard to her feelings...whether I considered her as my wife or my BFF.

Anyways, here I sit beating myself up for hurting her the way I did, my own head still spinning from all that has transpired over the last few weeks. My life has been hit by a whirlwind of my own making and as a result, I have lost the only person that has ever unconditionally supported me.

I know a great amount of "I knew it couldn't work", "you suck!", "how could you do that to her?" comments are coming my way and to be honest, I deserve them all. But there is a part of me that also feels like I was set up (please refrain from burning me at the stake for this one). The last few years have not just been a journey of self-discovery for me, they have also been a process of her trying to convince me that I'm gay. There have been many conversations where she has brought up the subject and I always stated that if my sexual identify were on a spectrum, straight being on one end, gay being on the other, and bi being in the middle, I was halfway between bi and straight. She always emphatically stated that I was lying to myself and at the very least, I was halfway between bi and gay. So a few weeks ago when she said that the marriage is over, I'm not her husband anymore, that I need to accept who I am, and I need to stop allowing my family to oppress me, I guess I gave in. I reflected more and more and more on my identity and I said out loud to her, "I'm gay!". I realize I did this in order to convince myself of everything that she has been telling me for years. So I accepted it, embraced it, and sought to live my life as a gay man. She continued to encourage me, kept prodding me to come out to my family, and congratulated me when I did. So then I go and meet up with someone and BOOM, everything changes. I was so confused! How could she be telling me to accept who I am and go live my life, then when I do, have utter disdain for me??? Then it dawned on me, I forced her to endure all this while this transition was so incredibly fresh. I still feel a bit set up but I know that had I just given my desire to "get out there" more time and our feelings for each other to transition, it would be a different dynamic now. But the damage is done, I destroyed whatever friendship we had.

Sorry if I'm rambling, my mind is a mess and it is 2:30 am here (and I'm trying to write a paper on the Person-Centered theory of therapy).

To be honest, there's more that I could say about all this but I'm not sure how coherent I am at this point. I just humbly ask that your responses aren't too scathing. I've gotten a lot of that over the past week and a half and I'm at a really low point right now.

Thanks.