Father against me having a gay friend

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Oh look, I predicted recruitment.. I forgot the whole 'all the gays want to infect everyone with AIDS aspect there.

I'm sorry kid, your folks are working with mythology and legend and mythology is powerful medicine. If they are the type that say things like 'he will seduce you and give you HIV' its all over with. There is no reaching reasoning with them. They are beyond that point.

Lying is easy, trust me. Effective lying is a bit harder though. That requires mixing in a bit of truth with the lie. For instance if you are meeting X at the mall, you can say 'oh I just met some friends at the mall' not really a lie lie, more of a misdirection.

Oh and KISS applies - Keep It Simple Stupid. The more convoluted the tale, the more unbelievable it becomes.

And you won't be altogether lying if you don't say anything at all. The most powerful of lies (which my mother taught me) is the lie of omission.

Thus 'I went to the mall.' is a truth, a solid truth and not necessarily a lie... you only omitted the data that you met X at the mall and hung out together.


And from your posts I got a feeling you are intimidated by your folks, thus volunteer way too much data in order to appease them. You need to adopt 'silent brooding teenager' persona and start throwing out there 'I don't want to talk about it' for every question they ask - from how was your day to what do you want for dinner....

I would really like to know how it is your parents found out your buddy was gay in the first place. Did you tell them?

[Anonymous]

No, I didn't actually tell them, they made a correct guess and I just confirmed it, as I had no choice. There was one day in the school when one of my friends had her camera with her and we made many different photos. Later that day she sent them to me and there was also this picture where my friend was hugging me and kissing me on the cheek as we were posing for the picture. It was very funny and friendly and nothing bad about it in my opinion. And then my dad came into my room and saw this picture and he was shocked and asked me what does it mean. I answered that we were just fooling around in school and my dad then asked "is that guy a fagg0t?" and I was like "no, he's gay", as I find word fag offensive and, like I said, I can't lie. Yeah, and then he started his long talk about how dangerous homosexuality is.

[Jaxx37]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time with your folks at the moment dude, it's really tough to stand up for what you believe in against such hatred.

I guess you have to respect your parents, their house their rules kind of thing, in that you don't invite your friend round to yours anymore but that doesn't mean that you can't still be friends with/hang around with him outside or in school.

You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and if this guy trusts you enough to be open with you about who he is then it sounds to me like you have a great friendship not to be thrown away lightly. You don't have to tell your parents who you're with every moment of every day - if they ask just say you were hanging out at the mall with 'the guys' or you were at homework club with folks from school or whatever. Don't go out of your way to lie, they'd probably guess anyway, just don't tell them everything. You're entitled to be friends with people who you care about regardless of your parent's beliefs and you do not have to accept their beliefs blindly either - you're your own man, the greatest freedom and greatest responsibility that you have in this world is to figure things out for yourself and do what you believe is right. It's tough to go against the beliefs of your parents but you can do it without being disrespectful, you do not share their attitude towards people who are gay - that doesn't make you a bad son, it makes you a strong man who has his own values and beliefs.

[SilverBullet]

My comment would be as follows
Dad im sorry that your so full of hate and wrong on this subject, he is my friend and his sexual preference should not effect that. By your logic I shouldn't make friends with girls because they may be "just trying to get into my pants". I think the bible is against allot of things but its not godly to hate, neither is it godly to shun someone, if anything you should try to help the "sick".
Even better, since your Catholic, if im not mistaken, what did the Pope say gays recently?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Kissing, hugging... pictures... Hmmm.

I can clearly see why dad went ballistic after finding out your buddy was gay.

Its making a lot more sense. See Dad thinks you and he are more than just friends - there is clear evidence of hanky-panky... Or potentially you are in love with this young man.

I'm still curious about a few things... Tell me, how long have you and your buddy been friends? I take it the parents met this young man prior to the discovery of his sexuality. I'm curious as to their initial reactions to him before discovery of his sexuality.

And I'm also curious, how often does this kissing/hugging stuff happen.

[Anonymous]

It only happened once, and it was not even a real kiss, we were just posing for a photo. Our friend turned her camera to us and he was next to me, so he randomly hugged me and we took a friendly picture, that's it. So what if he pressed his lips to my cheek, it was just for an interesting photo, no big deal. All our other friends were fooling around as well, making silly faces and stuff and so were we. My friend not interested in me that way, he knows I'm straight. Unfortunately my dad doesn't believe it and I don't know why. I'm his son, he should know me well enough to know I never lie.

We've been friends for a long time, since the 3rd grade, so almost 8 years. My parents have met him before they knew he was gay, sometimes he came over to my house, but they didn't pay much attention to him, it was "hello" and "goodbye" level, the same attitude that they have to all my friends. Now, of course, they don't want to see him in their house ever again.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yeah you know it was nothing, and now I know it was nothing. Dad obviously didn't see it as 'nothing' and jumped to conclusions.

8 years is a long time to know someone. This explains a lot about your being upset here.

So what are your future plans? you are 17, graduate from high school next year then..... Move out, get a job, move to university/college - attend one closer to your parents and continue to live with the parents?

Rhetorical questions actually. If you are planning on moving out shortly after graduation, this will be a temporary thing.

Tell your friend the whole situation. Starting with 'Dad saw that picture, dad asked if you were a faggot, I said no you were gay because faggot is such a terrible word...' Everything.

You both need to talk about this situation. With summer coming you all most likely won't get much chance to talk unless you meet at a third parties house. School well that's someplace you can't avoid him.

[Anonymous]

I don't really know what will I do after I graduate. My parents want me to go to university, however I don't, I want to get a job and earn money. I feel that this is going to cause some more arguments.

And what do I do if my father asks me directly if I've stopped seeing this guy? What do I tell him?

[Mark]

I don't really know what will I do after I graduate. My parents want me to go to university, however I don't, I want to get a job and earn money. I feel that this is going to cause some more arguments.

And what do I do if my father asks me directly if I've stopped seeing this guy? What do I tell him?

I wouldn't say lie to him but it is your choice. Just say something like we are in the same school kind of impossible not to bump into him - therefore he will think you are hanging around less but its still being honest!

I'd always say go to university as you can get away from home and make your own choices, speak to who you want, but likewise if you earn you can move out and get away from their choices :p

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Ah yes, the art of telling half truths by using truths and omissions together.... Effective lying really isn't that hard.

As for university, I strongly suspect they will fight you on that one.

Might I suggest that you start figuring out a compromise?

Something like you take a year of of schooling to pursue other interests - Come kids travel Europe, others take a temp job - others if they parents can afford it, just do nothing at all.

Two things to factor in that - burn out (Senior year tends to be hardest) thus burnout is expected), second is 'I am not fully certain what my major and minor will be.... I need a little more time to figure it out.

And I'm curious (such is my nature). Prior to your buddy being kicked out of your house/life what were your plans for the nearish long term future... ? Job over school? Or is this a new turn of events?