Father against me having a gay friend

[Anonymous]

I've always chosen job over school, my plans for the future have always been the same and this situation with my friend being rejected by my parents because he's gay has nothing to do with it. I've never wanted to set a foot in university, because I don't want to study. I know it's probably bad, but I don't see why should I waste multiple years of my life studying just for the paper. I'm nauseous of all the schooling already, I've just enough strength left to finish high school.

But I know they won't probably leave me alone about this. Both of my parents have highest educations and they probably won't bear their son having only a secondary one.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sounds to me that your parental units are typical in their plannings for you. Most parents immediately decide every aspect of their offspring future as soon as the words 'I'm pregnant' is uttered.

I wasn't certain if your refusal to go to university was a passive aggressive attempt to lash back.... I would, however, caution you to allow some time to pass from now to the time you bring up this university question. Right now it will appear to be a 'lashing out'... In your parents eyes you are still very much their baby. And this will hold true no matter how old you get.

I would urge you to consider the approach of compromise, as for a year and use that year to get as far ahead as you can, then when the year nears its end you can wave your hands indicating everything you have accomplished 'but I don't want to lose what I got'.

That may lessen the sting - depends on how yuo have managed life in that year.

[Anonymous]

Well, I still have some time. What I definitely want to do is have a living place of my own and I can't do that until I have money of my own. I often dream about how wonderful it would be to live on my own, do what I want without explaining something to someone, go and come when I want to without telling someone where I'm going, with whom and when will I be back. You're right, they still believe I'm a child, sometimes it feels like I'm 7 years old not 17. I'm not sure will it ever end.

Whenever I say that I don't want to study, they're just "don't talk such nonsense". But well, they can't force me to study. What will they do if I refuse to study - throw me out of the house or what?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I fear your ideals about work and apartment may be a little more, um, fantasy than reality.

Understand that most of the world is still in an economic downturn. I know guys who are highly skilled at their jobs that can't find a decent one that either hired 40 hours a week or pays what they need.

The illusion of freedom is only a dream.

Trust me, once you have a boss you will feel even more constricted. And s/he will most likely not be nice about telling you what to do.

Banks will tell you what to do, utilities will tell you what to do, most apartments come with rules and regulations, and then there are the Authorities who enforce the law and the idiots who make the laws (politicians suck and not in the happy good way).

I'm not a good one to ask about jobs. I'm worked like a slave for peanuts, and I live in a wee trailer - this is poverty level living. I live where I work, and I work where I live (its a form of slavery).

I think the 'kids' the 20's and 30 year old who have real jobs can give you a better insight what the workforce is like. Being closer to your age they can tell you what a young man entering the work force faces for the first time. My 'first day at work' was way back in the last century. Times have changed.

[Cuddly]

And what do I do if my father asks me directly if I've stopped seeing this guy? What do I tell him?

I was about to suggest "*scoff* we attend classes together...", but then I remembered your dad might call the principal's office and have the gay kid expelled or some equally crazy Only-in-America shit.

It's hard to come up with a reponse for you, as I don't know your relationship or your personality well enough to come up with anything that would suit you. It's not in your best interest to act out of character and channel somebody else's words. That would not help "your case".

Why not take a gap year or two to find a temporary place in life, get a job etc. and then revisit the debate of university in a year or two's time? University is like school in many ways, except you get to specialize. You still have the occasional class that you don't like particularly, but as a whole you should see a silver lining that follows through every course. The education becomes interesting in a different way, which I would strongly recommend anybody to do. It's just about finding the right silver lining, to follow.

[gaycraig]

How can your friend be a sick being when at one time in Rome and Venice homosexuality was totally the normality? Now ask your father why he is still Catholic and why he follows the anti-popes since 1962? Ask him about the Second Vatican Council and why traditional Catholics let the Vatican. Ask him how he knows the Bible is against homosexuality when first of all it is very unclear and secondly the Catholic Church always hated its herd reading the Bible and would rather their HOMOSEXUAL priests had the altered knowledge instead. Ask him if he has even studied who runs the Vatican being the Jesuits and the Venetians does he like following high level Satanists preaching what he should be doing? I bet he does not even know that anti-Pope Benedict XVI has had a gay lover for years.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I know there are only few jobs available out there. Although some of my friends of my age are working - some in shops, some in cafes. They say it's not very hard to find a job, you just have to go inside every institution you see and ask if they need some employees.

I know I'd rather be a janitor or something, but work.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

No doubt that may be satisfactory to you. The simple life can be rewarding, but I fear highly educated people especially those in a high paying job tend to be less than accepting of those who find satisfaction in the service or labor industry.

Since you have indicated that high education and I assume high paying jobs are part and parcel of your parental units life, I no doubt expect them to be adamantly opposed to your life choice there.

How keen would they be on a choice of 'community college' over university? Would they object to your taking one or two evening classes on top of a full time job? Say something along the lines of business administration, accounting or something that may give you an edge in the service/labor industry?

I suggest it as a way to make a compromise.

[princealbertofb]

Awesome.. why did I never see that before?

I don't really understand why your father wouldn't want you around your gay friend. Gayness isn't contagious and should your friend ever come on to you, wouldn't that be the time to end the relationship, if necessary?

I can't imagine what I would've done if I were in your position at your age.. but now (25) I would've just laughed at my dad and told him he's crazy, in a loving way, ofc!

If your late teenage rebellion against your father is going to be you having a gay friend, then your dad should consider himself lucky. There are so many things, that are actually bad, you could take instead. Smoking, tattoos, goth dressing with purple makeup, piercings all over your face, drugs, excessive alcohol, making porn...

I feel sad for your friend. Seemingly he considers you a good friend. It would hurt him badly to lose you, just because he's gay.

I should point out that this is not my thought, initially. I heard it in a poem. A friend of mine also noted that it's E-A-R-T-H all jumbled up.

[princealbertofb]

It only happened once, and it was not even a real kiss, we were just posing for a photo. Our friend turned her camera to us and he was next to me, so he randomly hugged me and we took a friendly picture, that's it. So what if he pressed his lips to my cheek, it was just for an interesting photo, no big deal. All our other friends were fooling around as well, making silly faces and stuff and so were we. My friend not interested in me that way, he knows I'm straight. Unfortunately my dad doesn't believe it and I don't know why. I'm his son, he should know me well enough to know I never lie.

We've been friends for a long time, since the 3rd grade, so almost 8 years. My parents have met him before they knew he was gay, sometimes he came over to my house, but they didn't pay much attention to him, it was "hello" and "goodbye" level, the same attitude that they have to all my friends. Now, of course, they don't want to see him in their house ever again.

Dare I suggest that you bring home a girl or some girls (not all together, in a row - a single young man in a gang of girls may suggest something else) to show that you are totally interested in the fair sex, as you say? It's true that your father doesn't seem to understand that your generation is much more at ease with public displays of friendly affection. Jesus probably also kissed men, on the cheek, because it was part of the way people behaved in the Middle East, still do to this day, to connect.

There is this phrase "Judas' Kiss" that shows that they did kiss, but of course this was a kiss of deception and betrayal. I'm sure nothing like that was going on in the riotous fun you and your friends were having. I think your dad's a bit disconnected from your generation. Maybe he needs to watch series like Friends or something a bit more contemporary of the same nature... (Can you suggest anything?)

I think your dad's real problem is that you're growing up and he can feel you slipping away from him as a kid, because you're growing into an adult with his own mind and his own life. He's a bit of a controller, wouldn't you say? It would also be normal for a dad to want the best for his only child. Assure him that you're a good boy, and that you respect him and will respect the rules of his own house. Outside is another world, in which he can't rule, though you have to abide by the rules of your school and the rules of society (laws).

One other thought I've had is that your dad may have had an unfortunate incident in his sexual life with a gay person (just suggesting) and that left him with an uneasy, very uncomfortable impression, or, as if sometimes the case, this threatens him, to some extent, because he himself has (had) feelings for other men that he finds best to deal with by denying them. The old closet homosexual, or closet bisexual syndrome.

What I think you're having trouble with is explaining to your young friend why he can no longer come and visit with you at your house, since he was once able to. Have you got the words to tell him that you support him but that your parents are being less tolerant and less helpful? You don't want to hurt his feelings, I understand, but there's a truth here that needs to be said, tactfully and sincerely, even though sorrowfully.