Sexless Relationship

[milka]

Hi - I'm totally new to this but really need some advice and hope somebody can help!

I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and for the last two years we have had sex I would say a handful of times and in the last 12 months I can actually count exactly how many times: a grand total of 4. I know there isn't exactly a 'normal' amount of sex a person should be having but I definitely don't feel normal! I mean...4 times in a year isn't...normal...is it? We are both healthy, (relatively) young (29 & 30) with a nice flat, a dog, hobbies etc etc. It is totally one sided, I am pretty much up for sex whenever he would want to but he is just not interested. I've asked him about it and after months of shrugging and getting a bit defensive he went to the doctor (apparently, but can't 100% believe him) to see if it's anything physical which it wasn't. He just says he's not interested and feels a bit insecure about having put on weight over the past year. I know he's not happy with his job and wants to change that, which I'm totally supportive of, but I'm starting to get a bit annoyed as I guess, well life is always going to a bit stressful isn't it and I would expect him to find a way to handle stress so that he can still have a sex life.

Anyway any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm starting to contemplate having some sort of affair just so I can feel a bit normal.

[jogu656]

I had same issue with my recent ex, all was good but sex was not much exiting for him, it's humiliating because you begin to doubt yourself, many times he would get hard and 2 min into sex it would die, I just ended up giving up and ended it because as much as we tell ourselves sex is not that important in reality it is, it's a great thing you share, a connection and I didn't have it like you, I for a long time thought it was maybe me doubted myself and ability to attract a male, I still have that fear but I'm more happy without that stress, you might want to consider ending it I mean it's better than hurting him by cheating.

[Wolfpack]

Sounds like your bf has some emotional problems related to stress. Perhaps therapy could be the best thing for him. Being in the UK he could be refereed for treatment via his Doctor or by self referral for CBT treatment on the NHS. This is a short course of treatment ( no longer than eight weeks ) and is great for helping people with low moods and stress related issues.
Him being insecure about himself and problems with his job are mostly his reasons for going off of sex and not anything to do with you personally.

[milka]

Thanks, that sounds like a great idea. However, I'm sure he would never agree to it. He was in therapy years ago for something which he's very cagey about and he now seems allergic to the idea of seeing a therapist. Is there any way i could suggest this to him without him getting aggressive and defensive? He can be VERY stubborn and difficult to talk to!

[Wolfpack]

It sounds if he had therapy before their could be a underlining issue, that you do not know about.Sadly only he can decide to get therapy for himself trying to force him will not work.
Try to catch him when he is in a better mood, and ask him if he is really happy being down the way he is, and that would he not rather feel better? Give him something to think about. Tell him how upset you are seeing him this way, and that you want him to feel better about himself. Maybe try to turn the conversation around to get him to think that getting help himself is to make you feel better.
Some therapists do allow other people to attend with the patient, but this will have to be cleared by all party's involved. So you may be able to attend with him.
Please do not go and have an affair, as this will only make you feel bad about yourself.
But in the end if he cannot be persuaded to help himself then it may be time for you to move on. Take care of yourself as well.

[milka]

Thanks, I'll have to try that.

There's no way I'd have an affair, I was just kind of joking. He'd definitely find out as I'm a crap liar!
The annoying thing is, sex isn't even that important to me. I just really feel like I need for us to sort this out so I can feel normal about our relationship. I moved to another country for him and had a very difficult time the last two years trying to adjust. Plus I don't really have a social life anymore as I sacrificed it to be with him. Now that the sex has stopped I don't really feel like I'm in a proper relationship and therefore am starting to resent him for making me leave my life behind just to be in a miserable sexless relationship.

[Wolfpack]

Glad to hear you was only joking about an affair
And I get this situation is very painful for you, tell him some of the things you have put on here, make him fully aware how sad you yourself are getting, hopefully he will recognise that something needs to be done for both your sakes. When confronting him try to catch him when he is in a better mood, as if he is in a bad or low mood already then he most likely will just go on the defensive and you probably just end up argueing, which will get you no where.
Sounds like you are missing a support system to a degree yourself, try to make some new friends if you can.
Do not let yourself get down into a depressed state as well, look after yourself. If he truly loves you then he will try to feel better himself for your sake.

[milka]

That's the thing, I have told him how unhappy I am with the situation. He is well aware of it. We've even started joking about it in front of other people in an attempt to make light of it. I have tried every possible approach I can think of. To begin with I used to try initiating sex but he got moody and I soon got tired of being pushed away and began to feel insecure about myself. Then I nicely suggested he go to the doctor. Then I just left it, leaving the ball totally in his court, and decided to never pester him for sex or try to initiate it. What followed was a 6 month spell of absolutely nothing. Last week whilst looking at his phone (something I had never done in almost 5 years of us being together - I have absolutely no interest in reading other people's text messages/emails) I saw that he had Grindr app. I confronted him about it and he said he used it once to mess about with his friends whilst bored at work - which I do totally believe (he's not a bastard). However, the scary thing was that I wasn't bothered at all. I told him it would make sense if he was cheating as we don't have sex so I'm hardly surprised. We talked a bit more about it then. But still nothing. Last night I suggested "Should we have sex?" as though I were asking "should we get a take away instead of cooking dinner." Just because I need to make myself laugh about it. Clearly this wasn't very sexy and also didn't work.

Sorry for the huge spiel! Am I doing something wrong? I mean going about it the wrong way? I feel like I've got nothing to lose at this point.

[Cuddly]

For me it's pretty simple... No sex, no relationship. The few times my husbear doesn't feel up to having sex I get incredibly out-of-character frustrated and have thoughts that would, under normal circumstances, be completely alien to me. If I got that on a daily basis I'd be driven mad within a week.

I'll take your word for him not being an asshole, but I've got red lights flashing everywhere and a big sign screaming CHEATER. It's a basic need to have sex, if he doesn't have it with you he either has it with himself or somebody else. On top of that he has Grindr . . ., so I'd assume the latter.

Giving him an ultimatum isn't exactly attractive either, but if that's what it comes down to then what else could you do? Make love to me or I'm out of here. And if I were really mad I'd throw in a snark remark about him being all set with his Grindr anyway.

[milka]

Oh yeah I know for sure that he watches porn alone, I asked him very frankly and he answered very frankly. I believe that it's down to his weight insecurities etc and, I'm sorry, but after 2 years I didn't really want to hear an answer like that so I told him "the answer is to lose weight then." It actually p*sses me off that he is able to identify the problem yet do nothing about it. I love him the size he is blah blah blah and I tell him that but I'm very aware that being told that only goes so far.

Re: the cheating, I hope I don't come across as naive but I just really don't think he is. He literally has no time. He works all week, comes straight home at 5pm, and any free time he has is spent slobbing about in front of the telly. Ok maybe he has had a one off or something when I've not been around but to be honest I'm a little past sweating the small stuff.

Is it a very bad sign that I simply wouldn't care if he had been cheating?