After a lot of conversation, he said that he quite frankly can't see himself coming out at all. And to be honest, all of his pissing and moaning about how I don't understand his situation has left me wondering if I even want to cultivate a friendship with him. Neither of my parents has spoken to me in 3 years and I'm not allowed to see my younger brothers (as we all know, gay is contagious) so I resent someone telling me I don't get what coming out can mean. Maybe a relationship like this can work in some cases, but I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them.
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A relationship like that can only work if there's an understanding that at some point in the future the relationship will no longer be a 'secret', the fact that this guy isn't willing to see things from your perspective at all says to me that he isn't mature enough at this time to be in a relationship secret or otherwise. For him to say that you haven't got any idea how he feels or what he's going through shows a level of disrespect that spells doom for such a relationship. Relationships are about trust, honesty, passion, compromise and commitment - to name but a few vital things. If he's not willing to be 'out' at any point in the future then how can he expect there to be a 'future' to speak of? What happens when a friend of his, thinking the guy's single and looking for a 'good woman' sets him up on a blind date with a female friend? Does he politely decline stating that she seems lovely but that she's not his 'type' only to be set up with a different girl or worse does he go along with it and expect you to wait patiently at home while he lives his fantasy straight life, all the time expecting you to be fully committed to him?
I may not be 'out' to most of my family or my colleagues but outwith those environments I am and if I'm in a relationship then that's it, I'm with that person and folks know about it. To be honest the only reason I'm not out to most of my family is that I'm afraid certain members will cut me out of their lives and I'll lose some of the most important people in my life as a result like my Godson for example. If I ever am lucky enough to meet the right girl then I'll be honest with the family from the beginning, you can't expect anyone to live with your own fears - it's just not fair. Life is hard enough without living a lie.
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I'm a : Gay Man in an Open Gay Relationship
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Brett240 Wrote:After a lot of conversation, he said that he quite frankly can't see himself coming out at all. And to be honest, all of his pissing and moaning about how I don't understand his situation has left me wondering if I even want to cultivate a friendship with him. Neither of my parents has spoken to me in 3 years and I'm not allowed to see my younger brothers (as we all know, gay is contagious) so I resent someone telling me I don't get what coming out can mean. Maybe a relationship like this can work in some cases, but I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them.
I'd not waste another minute.
 Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!
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That kind of relationship doesn't work well. While I may not be out to everybody even though I am married to my dude, I tend to say that if someone ask me if I'm gay I'd tell them but beside that what's going on between our four walls is our own business and nobody needs to know about it. However, I would definitely come out to those that I appreciate and love for the sake of them being aware that my husband isn't just a cute hot roommate. The very day I knew I was in love with him was the very day I came out completely to my friends and some of my family members. But harboring a secret relationship isn't a healthy relationship where one is completly out and the other still in the closet it's bound to have some serious nasty effect on one relationship. Friendship? What for? You guys were attracted to one another... Friendship won't fix it. You still want to have his dick in your mouth once in a while and if does and you develop an overgrown feeling it's no longer "friendship."
You made the right decision Brett because honestly, you would get hurt so much. Straight, gays, bisex, we're all proud of our loved one and we want to show to the world how we love them.
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Brett240 Wrote:After a lot of conversation, he said that he quite frankly can't see himself coming out at all. And to be honest, all of his pissing and moaning about how I don't understand his situation has left me wondering if I even want to cultivate a friendship with him. Neither of my parents has spoken to me in 3 years and I'm not allowed to see my younger brothers (as we all know, gay is contagious) so I resent someone telling me I don't get what coming out can mean. Maybe a relationship like this can work in some cases, but I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them.
I'm sorry - not that I did anything to you...
I fear that your potential BF may have more problems than just being in the closet if the impact of what has happened to you when you came out is so readily dismissed or made into 'nothing'.
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If you decide to stay in this relationship you need to mentally prepare yourself for all the things you won't have, which you expect to have in a relationship.
Forget spending time with him on his birthday, that will be with his family and straight friends who don't know he's gay.
Say "good-bye" to Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. Those are family holidays and if you can't attend them, you won't see him.
You won't go as his guest to family events (birthdays, weddings).
You will always be the dirty little secret, hidden in the shadows accepting scraps of his time when you should be in the light, getting a fuller share of his time.
If you are willing to settle for this, then stay there, but don't hold any resentment towards him, as it's your choice.
![[Image: 51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg]](https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/51806835273_f5b3daba19_t.jpg) <<< It's mine!
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I say honesty is the best policy. Relationships are about sharing and being there for each other. But you are only allowed to do that behind closed doors? I don't think it's fair to you. That is my humble opinion.
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Brett240 Wrote:After a lot of conversation, he said that he quite frankly can't see himself coming out at all. where oh where can i find myself someone like that 
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But in all seriousness, I can understand from your point of view where a relationship with that guy might not work very well...
Relationships do have to be (atleast somewhat) a 2-way street.
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I'm sorry Brett, I know it doesn't mean much, but at least you know now, about your family I really hope they come around some day. -Hugs-
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Over the years I've developed some rules for myself that have proved to be correct. I don't get involved with men who are "sort of out" but don't want anyone to know. (Why do they want me to know?) and I do not get involved with married men no matter what they say about the floundering status of their marriage. They are trouble on the hoof. As to those who are in and out and in, smile, tell them you'll enjoy the bromance as you hope they will as well. When they are clearer in their minds as to what they are, who they are and can live with everyone knowing it, give you a call. Until then, Hot Springs is still in Arkansas.
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Secret relationship?
