Secret relationship?

[Brett240]

Has anyone who's out had a relationship with someone who wasn't - and did it work?

I met this guy a few moths ago at the gym - we would spot each other and talk about stuff and we got to be friends and started hanging out. We've met each others friends and everything was cool but when I broke up with my BF things started to change. It felt like he was coming on to me - touching me a lot and flirting. It was confusing and I had no idea how to respond. I started feeling attracted to him, but I was second guessing myself over whether he was serious or not.

So last night I was at his place and he started kissing me and saying that he had feelings for me. He said he didn't just want a hook-up, he wanted us to have a relationship and get closer. BUT we can't tell anyone. I mean, he's obviously thought this through because he had a list of rules of how we do this.

I was feeling really attracted to him and we ended up fooling around a little but today I'm rethinking the whole thing. I like him a lot but I've never dated anyone who wasn't out. It feels complicated and confusing plus I'm a crappy liar so I don't know how I'd do this. And maybe this is weird and I'm over reacting but I sort of feel like I don't want to be anyone's dirty little secret, but that's how it feel.s

Has anyone ever done it and did it work?

[Ryocchi]

Nope, haven't been on a successful one neither do I know of one.

First, how old is he? if he plants to stay in the closet until his 30 or his parents die I would say move on, if he's still young ask him what's he expecting? you've been out since 15 at some point your views are meant to crash, if his parents are super bigoted and he wants to move out and be self-sufficient first that would be the only way I could understand.

Secondly, don't accept anything you're not comfortable with, and no matter what don't ever let him flirt with girls to maintain his charade, you'll only end up feeling as tiny and unimportant as a cockroach.

If he wants you to be in this and he wants to be with you in the long haul place some rules of your own, like "fridays you're mine I don't care whatever happens that your friends invited you anywhere fridays are our days to go as far away as we can and be out together." if he doesn't want to compromise, well, you're smart enough to decide on your own.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

There is nothing wrong with having a relationship where one of you is not out, however a word of caution.

As he appears to be setting out a list of "rules" I would try and get to the bottom of just why it has to be secret, including whether he is in fact in another relationship that he wants to keep hidden from you.

So there are pitfalls you need to be aware of. You won't meet his family, you may not meet his friends, no family gatherings like birthdays, Thanksgiving or Christmas etc. That can be really tough to deal with.

Good luck,
ObW
X

[gilhooly]

I. am much older than you. I lost my virginity at 10 in 1956. We had sex on the George Washington Bridge in NYC. Since 50 thousand people in buses and cars saw us, I think we came Out. The concept of being gay was something I heard of when I was 25 or 30.

I was a horny boy and a horny man About 50 guys lost their virginity to me in grammar school. Of the 50 at least 40 got married and had kids.

It didn't matter to me whether you were in or out. Bellt buttons were innies or outies. I never cared whether guys were gay, straight, bisexual or transgendered. I often dressed in a pleated skirt to play touch football. I was the toughest boy in my neighborhood of Washington Heights in NYC. i was also the toughest lesbian on my block.

You seem to be worried about stuff I never thought about. Do you want to wrap your arms around this guy and French kiss or Do you not. A man makes his own rules in dating. Trust your own instincts. If you like him, accept some risk. If you don't like him, walk away.

Sooner or later you will make a mistake. All guys do. No guarantee of happiness, If you do nothing, by definition you will lose.

Go for it. [Warning, I am 68 and have never felt fear. Some people took my advice and wanted to punch me in the mouth. I would do anything on a dare]

[EvenOlderButWiser]

GillH, I don't understand why you can't answer a question without giving us all a breakdown of your sexual conquests over the course of the 20th Century.

Quite frankly it kind of puts me off reading your replies, which is a real shame because buried in amongst all that crap, there is actually some useful information.

And you do it in almost every dam post!!

ObW
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[CarGuy65]

I was not out when I met my BF and things worked out very well. That was for over a year into the relationship. I have only recently come out to my good friends (at 48 years old no less). The rest of the people who know found out through an idiot who thought it was his duty to tell all the local mechanics that know me in my automotive circle. What a putz!
Point is if this is someone with who you would like to see where it goes, Give a little leeway and give it a shot. There are a lot of great people here that could give great advice on his coming out when he is ready. Good luck.

[swalter]

It can be difficult to be in a relationship where you're out, but your partner isn't. It can work, but it takes a lot of patience. If you think he'll eventually come out, and like him, I say go for it. But, if he's someone who will never reveal the truth to his family and friends, I don't think it's worth your effort. There's plenty of good looking single guys who don't come with the requirements of someone who's ashamed of himself, and his secret lover.

[72jay]

He said he didn't just want a hook-up, he wanted us to have a relationship and get closer. BUT we can't tell anyone. I mean, he's obviously thought this through because he had a list of rules of how we do this.

I've never been in a relationship, or even dated for that matter. I'm also not out & no wish to be, so I'm pretty much viewing this from the point of view of the friend...it probably feels complicated and confusing to him too.


I've never thought things through as to how a relationship with someone who was out would work, or made a list of rules or anything like that LOL.LOL I fully expect to be single forever so why even bother thinking things through...

[jogu656]

I had a relationship for a bit with a closeted guy, it worked ok, but eventually it can become to restrictive such as hearing over and over I cant do this, cant go here, cant be seen there, the one that hurts is "I cant be seen with you because they will know" oooh that one cut me open on the inside and im ok with being who I am and began to actually feel ashamed because of him so eventually we parted ways I couldn't handle it but it could be different for you just keep in mind his situation and don't lose respect for yourself or allow anybody to disrespect you and who you are.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The closest I have been to this is with me and my first lover. Mind I was the closeted one and he was out - not overtly open and out, but everyone in his life that it mattered to knew.

Robert and I were friends first. IDK, maybe he set eyes upon me and immediately thought 'This is going to be my lover'. From my side I felt a strong bond with this guy, considered him the bestest friend I ever had and we graduated from 'best friends' to lovers. That took about six months.

"Fooling around" is what exactly? If it is sexual in context STOP it. Anyone gets into sex and will make stupid promises that they will surely break the first chance they get. Sex makes men (and women) do stupid to the extreme.

Instead of aiming for lovers, aim for good friends first. You have to be in a position where you can discuss how being with a closeted person would make you feel without him taking it as a hint that he MUST come out of the closet to 'win' you.

Attraction is one thing, the physical attraction is all wonderful and crap, but you two have to be compatible, share a lot of similarities and where there are differences those need to mesh with each other.

If you are both thinking with your dicks no good will come of this, this will not end well.

Robert and I had a pretty special thing going on. We really liked each other a lot before we committed to the love thing. It was out of like more than love that I threw away my whole life and became an openly gay man.

How much did I throw away? I was a heart beat away from becoming a friar - a friar is like a monk, however monks sequester themselves and friars are active in the community. Three vows are taken, Obedience (to God and Church), Poverty and Celibacy. Being openly gay as a friar just doesn't happen (However a lot of clergy in celibacy sort of situations are actually gay - go figure).

My coming out came with direct impacts on my life. Hell just falling in love with another person presented 'issues' to the whole celibacy thing - male or female, it was a problem.

As the closeted individual in this case I had to make a sacrifice. Like my whole life plan sort of sacrifice.

If your BF/Mate whatever can't step up to the plate and sacrifice his whole life for you... well I fear that this relationship will not end well.

No he doesn't have to come out to everyone right this moment. He has to be willing to do so. Understand willing and able are two vastly different breeds of critter.

If he is willing to do that, then yes you can take on this long journey. Together you most likely can work out the ability for him to come out. Its a process and how you all decide which path to take will require a lot of communication.

Understand people are going to hurt him and you ain't going to be able to stop the pain. you will stand their powerless and listen to some really ugly stuff and see him devastated and lose people in his life. Fortunately this is the 21st century, far fewer people take it as a personal insult when a person comes out of the closet and many are actually 'meh, so you're gay... and???'

But those who take it seriously and make it into a big deal are mean and nasty about it and often cause a lot of hurt.

Can YOU handle seeing him hurt without being able to do more than make some silly noises and offer a shoulder to cry on?

I would strongly advice to defocus from the sex aspect here and work on the friendship aspect of this relationship. he has to be able to trust that you will make up for the losses in his life. Sex is great and all of that, but it ain't enough. Nor for that matter is love enough.

He needs to know how you feel about being shoved back into a closet. You need to figure out how to tactfully explain to him that you don't want to be a bit of dirty laundry he is afraid to let people see. Because that will affect the realtionship.

Perhaps a bargaining here - he comes out to people who are nearly complete strangers to him - Your set of friends. This gives him a chance to get used to the idea that he is one of them homosexuals and that there are people - real people who ain't going to condemn him for being 'that way'.

This sorts of relationships can work out if both parties can work through it. How willing and able are you two to work through this?