Brother issues

[Anonymous]

I kind of just sat down and wrote down my thoughts, so this isn't the most organized, but I wanted to get this out, I'm open to guidance or reassurance from anyone who gets it, I can't be the only one.

My brother and I have never really been close. I mean, we were as kids, but as all younger siblings are, he was always really attached, which became a problem when I started making friends in middle school, he wanted to hang out with us all the time, and I was always made to let him tag along. Whenever my friends came over, we never had any time away from him, he'd be all chipper and jolly while we were seething over our obligation to let him hang out with us.

That led to me losing friends, which led to me hating my brother, which eventually led to him spreading rumors about me in school, which was around the time I was really struggling with my sexuality. He loved asking people if they thought I looked gay, or if they thought if I wore faggy clothes, or if they thought I was creepy and weird.

He was relentlessly cruel, and I hated him, especially since I had to live with him. Every day I had to live with the fact that I was being bullied by my younger brother, several years my junior, and that everyone knew about it. Since then, our lives have changed. I came out in college and for the first time, I feel like I have a life worth living. Meanwhile, my brother dropped out of high school and has lost most of his friends.

Things have changed, but our relationship as siblings never really recovered from those years in high school. Our relationship is tense and awkward at best, I hate the person he's become, and I hate the air he breathes. He's become cocky, egocentric, and very shallow, all he cares about is money. All he talks about is money in some way, shape or form, it's like he needs to label everything's worth, and it makes me really depressed to be around him.

I know he's not a bad person, but he's beyond the point of no return. The few friends he has are all the same, and he looks up to them. He will always be like this, this is what he's done to himself. Meanwhile, he's been trying to work his way back into my life, and I feel terrible saying this, but I really wish he would just leave me alone.

I know it's wrong to say that, but we have nothing in common, and he mostly just talks about himself. Spending time with him takes energy, I don't feel comfortable around him, I feel like all he cares about is trying to impress me with his life, and I hate having to pretend that I'm impressed, I doubt he's stupid enough to not see right through that.

Tonight he asked me if I would come with him to get him cigarettes. He wants this badly to be close with me, that he has to ask me to get him his cigs just for a chance to talk to me in the car and catch up. I almost want to because I feel bad, but I just can't stand him. I'm not ready to invite him back into my life yet, and it doesn't help that I'm feeling the pressure from my parents, they always expected me to be the bigger person.

I feel so bad, but there's no win. I can't stand spending time with him, there's no connection, just him trying to impress me or make me laugh with a story that really isn't that funny, but I grin and chuckle anyway and I end up feeling fake, just like him, but I also feel bad for pushing him away. There's no simple cut-and-paste solution, our relationship as siblings has been badly damaged, and as I said, I still don't feel ready to be close with him.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Can't you just move away and reduce the sibling contact to family events or national holidays?

Failing that (and apologies I don't know your ages) consider sitting him down and just make it clear how you feel about him.

ObW
X

[Anonymous]

Can't you just move away and reduce the sibling contact to family events or national holidays?

Failing that (and apologies I don't know your ages) consider sitting him down and just make it clear how you feel about him.

ObW
X

Well, I really appreciate you taking the time to read that whole thing, but I wish it were that simple. He would take offense to me having a problem with him, he can't be convinced that he's doing anything wrong, and I'm speaking from experience. It would just turn into a fight, the "sit down and talk" method is out of the question.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Are you both still living in the family home?

[Anonymous]

Yup, moving's kind of impossible too right now. Soon though, maybe after the new year.

[HIkerSkier]

It's hard to give advice when we know so little about you - age/country/city/ etc relationship with your parents and like Olderbutwiser asked - do you live with your parents? Does he?

Assuming you are independent and in your 20's or later, you have a right to your own life, and to have in it the people you want. I would suggest you mail him a carefully worded (not angry) letter, explaining that he made your life miserable when you two were in school, that you don't care for the kind of person he has become, you don't care for his friends, etc. and that for the immediate future, you don't want to see him - that seeing him makes you uncomfortable and brings up memories of how he treated you when you were younger. Then don't see him, take his calls (change your phone number?), or read his emails etc. Your parents won't like it, but it's your life, not theirs.

[LJay]

Are there no parents in this? Perhaps you could talk to a parent or older relative and get some of this off your chest.

Also, it is a good idea to limit contact. Even if you live in the same house, you should be able to schedule time doing something else or being out of the house. Developing a distinctly different circle of friends will help.

What you are going through is not all that uncommon between brothers.l I have gotten to like mine a lot more since we moved apart. Get help from a counselor if you need it.

[Camfer]

It is perfectly okay not to like your brother. You can be civil without being fake, and you can minimize your time around him.

[polfsky]

How long have you been away from each other? I believe time and distance can heal.

My relationship with my brother was also quite bad. I couldn't stand to be around. I always feel that he wants to compete with me. As we grew older, we grew apart and have fewer and fewer things in common. When we were living under the same roof, things were just awkward.

Now we've been living apart for about 4-5 years now, and we see each other about every month. I can see my feeling toward him is much better. I think it's the matter of time and distance. When we saw each other everyday, we couldn't stand to be around each other.

[Uneunsae]

My sister bullied me, molested me, dropped out of high school, got pregnant at 16, had more kids with a different man, does nothing but has a sense of entitlement, behaves like trash, told me I'm going to Hell because I'm not Christian, leaves her kids with another family member who abused myself and my sister, tries to demean my education and good life choices... etc.. it never ends.

All in the past - I haven't talked to her in years and I'm much happier now.