I'm in love with my best friend

[MikeW]

Thanks for the words everybody. No, he doesn't know i'm gay. As much as i just want to admit everything to him, i can't. He comes off as homophobic sometimes and he would probably be weirded out. I can't lose the friendship, he's my best friend and the only friend that keeps me going everyday. We hang out all day every day. Its the worst feeling in the world, but ill have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

I'm very familiar with the feeling from long ago when I was your age, into my early 20s. It does indeed suck.

But, you will *not* be dealing with it for the rest of your life. You're going away to college and you will change *a lot* during the next four years. After that, regardless whether you go out into the work force, continue on with school, or whatever, you will change even *more* as you approach the 30 year mark. A *lot* is going to happen. Your friend is going to change as well and since he is straight sooner or later his primary relationship will not be with you, but with his girl friend > fiancé > wife.

I strongly suggest you think seriously about coming out, especially to your friend. I understand he may be homophobic--but often that is because guys don't know that they *know* other gay guys. I understand it may lead to awkwardness and discomfort. I understand this may screw up your friendship. But what kind of *friendship* is based on lies? I'll tell you: A dysfunctional one. A dysfunctional one that is keeping you stuck in the closet and keeping you from finding and openly having the kind of mutual attraction relationship he has with his girl friend. Thus, as he moves forward with his life and his relationships, you'll be stuck in the past, pining for something you feel you cannot have or, perhaps, don't even deserve.

Coming out can be a huge decision. I'm not suggesting you just 'do it today'; but I am suggesting you give it thought. How is it going to feel rooming with a guy you're hot for and in love with when that can't be reciprocated? I don't know about you but I'd be so fucked in the head about *that* there'd be very little room in my mind for paying attention to school work! Moreover, I'm going to suggest that being dishonest about who you are and how you feel is unfair to your friend. He can not *be* there for you even if he'd choose to. You're taking that possible personal growth away from him by lying to him.

Anyway, I'll stop. I understand it sucks, I truly do. But you *do* have choices *and* all this too shall pass. You deserve more and better. Begin letting yourself have it.