Issues with my BF's mother...

[Adam]

First, I should say that my BF and his mother are very much alike - both have really strong personalities. They butt heads frequently, and over the years I've often been able to help them reach a middle ground.
However - the issue that's dividing them at this point is a lot more serious that anything I've seen between them before. I honestly can see both of their points, and I have tried to stay out of it.
Yesterday, his mom cornered me and asked for my help. She came right out and said, "He won't do this for me, but I think he would do it for you if you asked him".
And yeah, he probably would. But what sense does it make for me to try to manipulate my partner, the person I love most in this world, into doing something against his will that would cause him distress?
I tried to explain this to her, but she isn't having it.
I guess my question is, should I tell my BF what his mom said? I love the woman and don't want to ruin my relationship with her, but I love him more.
Is there a tactful way to handle this????

[jimcrackcorn]

Your initial reaction to "stay out of it" is probably the best thing to do. If you take sides, then you become involved with the outcome,,, and will be partially accountable for what happens if something goes wrong. You could end up with both of them mad at you!!!

Good luck,
Jim

[Iceblink]

This is one of the situations where no matter what you do, the outcome will not be pleasant for you and is going to end up with someone being upset with you. Tell your boyfriend about this and his mother asking you to do this and she is going to be upset you. Do not tell the boyfriend and he will be upset with you when he finds out. All you can really do is decide what is the right thing to do and live with the consequences. My personal opinion- stay out of it and don't get anymore involved than what the mother has already made you.

[Borg69]

"Oh, no! That's between you and him. I'm not taking sides or getting caught in the middle!"

[CellarDweller]

she didn't have the right to put you in that position.

[matty7]

tell him - hes your partner - the other stuff is baggage ,,,I retract that a bit as its a bit extreme .. but she should not put u in that position anywyay

[Bhp91126]

"Your mother tried to get me involved in this issue. I respect your decision and would like you to keep me out of this"

[TwisttheLeaf]

I would say that staying out of it is the best course of action.

Which at this point would mean going to her and telling her NO, but that just because you're saying no doesn't mean you don't see her point of view. It means you won't do it, and that you won't tell him that she asked you to.

This would create a boundary that informs her that even if you understand her side of things, you're not willing to overstep your position (and trust) with your partner to help her get her way.

[MRossW]

I'm with you on this one as a soul mate. Ten months after my husband and I got together (28 years ago), his step-father died suddenly, and his mother became the third wheel in our relationship. We don't take vacations, change jobs, relocate, or make any serious life changes without considering how it will impact her. (She's now 92.) He and his mother love each other, but they don't like each other at all. Each talks to the other like s/he's a total idiot, and both try to pull me to their side. At one time she pulled me aside and asked me, "Why is he like that???" I told her I had no idea because I wasn't the one who raised him, she was. She of course denied she raised him to behave like he does, but the truth is that they behave identically to each other.

So my advice to survive is to step back and stay out of the discussions and fights as much as you possibly can. I have stepped up to his defense when she became verbally abusive, and that shuts her up. She respects my opinion and trusts me, but I still refuse to get drawn in.

As for my husband, unfortunately he's become quite leery of telling me when she's upset him. I mistakenly once said that I didn't want to hear about it, when what I'd meant - and later tried over and over to clarify - was that this is not something I can fix. I can listen, but don't hope for a moment that I can do anything about it.

So at least know you aren't alone. Good luck in finding that balance.

[Borg69]

She sounds like a manipulative b****. I'd be weary of her. It could be once she realizes she can't control you, she might work on the BF against you.