If insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, I'm insane,

[spencer]

So I'm alone at home with my thoughts, which is something I avoid.

Anyway, I've noticed some things about myself lately as I ponder my life the last several..idk months maybe? I don't keep track, time feels weird.

The cleanliness of my house and room have a very large impact on my happiness, and yet no matter how hard I try the room is always a mess.

I spend many hours typing up rants on here and feel foolish every time. I know I don't need, I do anyway. I even say so almost every time. I suppose I don't really do it all that often. It bugs me anyway.

If it weren't for coffee and energy drinks I wouldn't be able to function. No, it's not because I'm addicted. Perhaps that plays a role now but in order to gain the energy to function in life I have to have some uppers. Legal non-prescription drugs are the easiest way (caffeine) I frequently contemplate getting a prescription for aderol but I'll never have the motivation to make the effort. I guess that's a good thing.

My phone phobia is worsening. Anytime I hear my phone ring I feel enraged and nauseous. I believe my count is up to about 37 missed calls and roughly the same amount of unread voicemails. I'm even starting to not call my dad back when I see I've missed a call from him, which is unusual. Phone calls stress me out. I really want everyone to just leave me alone. Unless they text me. Then I may have a conversation with them. Don't blame technology, I was like this before I had the opportunity to text. I'll put my phone somewhere and leave it on silent so no one can bother me and then I feel ill when I go to check it to see if anyone's tried to contact me. I feel elated when I look at it and not a single missed call.

If my dad gets on my case one more time for my car not being spotless I might have to move Michigan now. He doesn't get it. It drives me insane. It's way cleaner than my other car ever was. I have been constantly dragging shit home for the past 6 months so I'm sorry if I just leave things in there for a while. It smelled like garbage for a while in the beginning and I was confused. I discovered that the new car smell was mixing with my cheap car scent thing and it resulted in garbage scent. Very bizarre. He cleaned out my car with major attitude but the car wasn't even dirty. Cleaning it out meant throwing away two mcdonald's bags... I figured it out and told him. Now he keeps telling me I need to get new car scents cause the car stinks. I did a long time ago. It stinks because I work with dogs all day. So I get in my car covered in dirt and dog and it smells. All my coworkers have this problem and I haven't replaced my car scent thingy which actually made the car smell nice. So it doesn't smell nice. It smells like nothing to me because after about 4 years of working with dogs I can't smell it anymore.

My dad constantly tells me how I need to save my money for school. He'll do it randomly and when I talk about getting something maybe I don't need. I can just say I want something, I'll have no intention of getting it because I'm poor and can't and he'll tell me I need to save money for school. It actually physically hurts me. It makes me so depressed when he says that I physically hurt. He says a lot of things about money that make me crazy. He lectures me for not putting money aside for emergency's. I haven't been budgeting my money very well but I'm fixing that and doing better but even so I don't make enough to put money towards all things he wants me to. I should but unfortunately I just fucking can't. I can tell him that but it's like beating a dead horse.

I spend a little bit of time daily contemplating suicide. As long as I'm not by myself drinking there's nothing to be concerned but it's exhausting and aggravating. I feel as though at this point in my life, I should just be dead. But I'm horribly, horribly, terrified of death and I think I'm a somewhat of a rational person. I actually find excuses to not kill myself and several attempts have been interrupted. I always experience a state in which I am so miserable I decided I should just kill myself but I'm so scared of death I think that I should just kill myself so I can stop my fear of death but I'm so afraid of death that I can't do it. It's frustrating beyond words.

I spend most of my time hating my job. No, I love my job. The job itself is wonderful but I work for a horrible excuse for a human. People don't understand either. "All jobs suck" "All bosses suck." My boss makes me hate myself more than I already do. I had a mental breakdown during our lunch hour because of my boss. I can't afford to make less money and my anxiety makes getting another job basically impossible. It's not to say I don't try. I'm trying to find somewhere that will pay me enough to survive that I can do. I'm failing.

I feel like I should get back on anti-depressents. When I was on them I actually was happy for a while. I'm not very good with medication though. I will always eventually just get tired of bothering to take it so I'll stop. I feel like I'm capable of happiness, or at least a level of happiness that I'm comfortable with but it's one of those things that is kinda locked away in my "Someday" box. Someday is a word that I hate. Someday I'll get married, someday I'll have kids, someday I'll be happy, someday I'll have a career and a house, someday I'll feel alive...I'm getting sick of it. I'm wasting my life waiting for someday. I had this conversation with my boyfriend recently and he didn't have anything to say about it really. I think I've made threads about it too in the past... I had a small thought yesterday that living is the journey to our goals. Which I wanted to be comforted by but It freaked me out so I might save it for my next therapy appointment..

I can never commit to anything and I'm so frustrated by it that I don't even want to rant to about it.

I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can improve my life and my mood. I spend a lot of time starting to take the steps to improve. It falls apart, as I said I can never commit to anything, expect maybe misery...it's like this crazy loop I find myself in.

And have I all these weird and crazy thoughts spinning around in my head and sometimes I try to talk about them but once I start putting them in to words it doesn't make sense or it comes out wrong or I just, and most often, don't even know how to form the words to describes my thoughts and feelings except maybe frustrated. I usually feel angry or frustrated. Occasionally I feel just plain depressed.

I don't like posting this in "Need Your Advice" I feel like I should not seek advice. I don't know. I just want to know everyone's thoughts and opinions. I think. At this point I don't even know. Maybe I just wanted to take a moment to wallow so I can move on with my day and be productive.

I guess I'm going to go clean my room now.

[MikeW]

I don't know you well enough to comment much. I will say much of it sounds familiar, though. Sounds like you're depressed. Do you see a therapist--I mean a good one that will help you get more focused and motivated--not just one who will put you on meds? (I can relate to getting bored with taking them.)

I duno. My life as an adult didn't even *begin* to find momentum and direction until I was 25years old. And even then it went through ups and downs. The most productive and focused being, roughly, from age 40 to 55 or 60.

What are your dreams? Do you have any passions in life? Is there anything you *really, really, really* want to do?

[spencer]

One of the most frustrating things about all this is I see a really good therapist. I can't even pinpoint exactly what he's said or done that's helped but he has helped me quite a lot. He hasn't put me on meds, I tried to hint that I wanted xanax but I guess he has more faith in me than I do. I have gotten over a lot of my anxiety thanks to him. He's helped me think about my thoughts and actions better but there's a lot of things I haven't really brought up a lot of things since I taught myself not to so I have trouble talking. Typing is a lot easier. hah!

I feel a bit better at not being so productive right now...I guess there's still time....

The main things I want out of life is to start a family. I have to focus on our plan to build a tiny house in Michigan (though I guess we're going to consider the Ozarks as well). I want a house a, husband, and kids. Those are my main goals. I want to help people and do volunteer work and such. But I feel incredibly restricted by my work so I never can find the time or opportunity. I'm secretary of the LGBT club at my school and we plan on doing more volunteer things so I think that'll help but I kinda feel like I haven't found my calling...and my efforts to explore that are usually in vain...I have some direction but it's a very unclear path and most of the time I feel like I can't do things. >.<

[MikeW]

Well, human psychology is very complicated and layered. Not being a professional myself and moreover not really knowing you, your personal history, your situation and all, it is difficult to know what to say.

I can tell you what helped me but that may not relate to you at all. I had to move beyond 'talky' therapy into a more 'depth' mode that included regression to, and expression of, deeply blocked emotional states. What I experienced was related to "Primal Therapy" but different (led by a therapist who is no longer living, with no successors). What I discovered is that at the time of my birth my mother (who was over 40 at the time) was given very strong anesthetic which went through the placenta and, thus, I was born dosed up. This is important on several levels because the actual physiological act of being born and experience 'the birth trauma' activates certain neurological systems. (I'm really being brief here and vague--suffice it to say it sets up certain fundamental 'programs' related to stress and how to deal with it *successfully*). In my case what had happened is the fundamental pattern that had gotten laid down is that any time I experienced 'stress' (and in my family that was fairly frequently) my inclination was to *withdraw* and *go unconscious* which also took the form of very early bouts of depression. Totally spacing out and feelings of utter hopelessness.

Now, of course, it wasn't like that all the time. I grew and acculturated and made my way. I played, had friends, had fun--but within all that, at the same time, I was a loner, feared and avoided much social interaction, and tended to *dose* myself on sweets (which my mom was fond of making for the family). I and my family were so psychologically unaware at the time (50s - early 60s), it wasn't until I was 20 or so that any of this began to become a question for me. I was just depressed, lethargic, lonely, isolated, confused, unsure of myself, not given to social interaction at all, occasionally suicidal and basically a mess. LOL!!

Through a long chain of events I eventually ended up 3,000 miles *away* from my family of origin working regularly with a therapist whose approach was quite unusual. As well as 'talky', 'gestalt', 'transactional', and various other modalities, she had in her arsenal the ability to 'allow' people to safely regress and *re-experience* pre-natal, natal, infant, child and adolescent wounding. Doing this unblocked a tremendous amount of energy and changed my life.

Let me hasten to add, however, that it also required a *lot* of work in terms of "integration". It is one thing to re-experience certain early 'trauma' and valuable in its own right, but integrating experiential insights into an adult framework that enables one to move forward in the world we have (which is far from ideal, let alone 'perfect' for us) is another matter.

As I see it, the trick is to have a 'safe place' which allows one to go deeply into these emotional states, experience them from the inside out, give expression to them, and then begin to see how these 'psychic knots' bind up our energy and keep us 'stuck' in repetitive habitual patterns.

Good luck!

Edit to add: If you find what I'm saying interesting, you might want to google "holotropic breathwork" and "Stanislav Grof" and poke around in that neighborhood. It's fairly fascinating stuff in its own right.

Third edit to add this from the wiki:

Importance of the birth process
One aspect of Grof's extensive theory is the belief that there is a connection between a person's life experiences and experiences in the birth process. In his book The Holotropic Mind, Grof (1992) separated this process into four stages known as the Perinatal Matrices:

Amniotic Universe — The womb. The only world that life knows at this point. Blissful feelings of peace and joy, in a healthy womb.
Cosmic Engulfment; No Exit — Equilibrium disturbed; contractions begin. Unbearable feeling of being stuck in hell with no way of escaping.
Death versus Rebirth Struggle — Second clinical stage of childbirth; intense struggle for survival.
Death versus Rebirth Experience — The child is born. Intense ecstatic feelings of liberation and love. New world begins.

What happened for me was as the 'universe closed in', rather than going through the 'death versus rebirth struggle', culminating in 'liberation', and 'ecstasy,' I experienced expulsion and a sense of 'deadness' through and separation from my body.

[Borg69]

To be honest, it was a bit "TL;DR" - Sorry! ...but what I did get out of it is for a 22 year old, your relationship with your father doesn't sound very "adult". You act, and he scolds like you're still a little kid. Weather that's the cause of your problems, or a symptom is something you might look into.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I need to come by later and read this thread more in depth. I do want to point something out from what I got out of the skim.

You said you tried to hint to your therapist that you wanted Xanax. Xanax is not used to treat depression and, in fact, can make it worse. It's a "bandaid" drug used for panic attacks and anxiety. It's something taken "in the moment" of an attack, and should not be taken on a regular basis (it is -highly- addictive).

You might get a better reaction out of your therapist with the idea of medication if you ask for an anti-depressant and/or regular anti-anxiety med.

[spencer]

Mike, I think I'm going to do some googling soon. Several things you said I felt like I related too and my curiosity is peaked. Might even ask my therapist about it next session.

Borg, I wasn't really expecting anyone to do much more than skim over it. Half the time I just like to rambling my thoughts as though I was writing a diary except this time people get to throw in their 2 cents. Haha. So no worries..it is sad that I actually shortened it? I try to keep it short but I usually fail...especially after consuming 4 cups of coffee. But yeah, my dad refuses to let me grow up and it makes hanging out with him just stressful. It's a big part of why I want to move farther away. He's still trying to get me to move back home....with my boyfriend. He doesn't understand why I don't want to live at home either.

TwisttheLeaf, yeah my dad has a prescription for xanax for his anxiety and I've "borrowed" some for certain occassions. I had some for both my grandparents' funerals and I took one when I had to give a powerpoint presentation on the Cold War for my honors class (and it helped tremendously). I want something that's more for quick fixes. I don't need it all the time and I think I'll do better with taking something for as-needed basis. Admittedly I did take more than necessary each time and I can see myself abusing it easily so it's a good thing I feel odd asking about taking medication. I should probably just use kava juice more for those quick fixes.. I believe early on my therapist did ask my opinion on medication and I think he decided we would try treatment without first.

[Borg69]

I meant no offense to you or your problems... I was a work finishing up payroll, anxious for the weekend and clocking out, and sometimes... people give more details than needed. Not saying this is your case, as i said I skimmed, and that's what stuck out to me.

Just tell your dad, "Look - I'm trying to be an adult. I NEED you to let me. I still love you, and always will. If I get in over my head I WILL call you for advice and help. We need to work on being friends instead of the child/parent dynamic we have now."

[saif1232]

Your in a mess right now and its eating you up. When I get into these situations, I tend to distance myself from everyone and sort out how I feel, and see what I want, then work on that (of course its easier said than done, it can take a while). Try not seeing your father for about a week or even speaking to him. Your dad is trying to advice you to do good things for yourself, but he doesnt notice that its only bringing you down more than you already are. I have a problem where I cant stick to routines no matter what, motivation is my weakness and it makes a difference between me doing well in life or me literally being dead inside. Why dont you speak to your boyfriend? Ask him if he can help you stick to some routines, perhaps with his support things get better, set yourself alarms to get you to do activities that you want to do. And if being alone and thinking about life is whats doing this to you, then perhaps you should spend less time alone, get back on your feet then do the thinking. I know this post has no structure, I just couldnt think of a proper way to give you my feedback, so I just wrote stuff. Remember to always look at the bright side! Your dad may be talking about ££ all the time, consider it as him caring about your future. You havent got a pay that allows you to save while living well, at least it affords you a living. Before you look at the "sometime" statements, fix your present. Make how you are NOW good before you can aim to reach for any goals in the future