My boyfriends Ex

[smilio]

So me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 6 months, were going strong and making plans for the future because were both very much in love with each other and so are trying to start some sort of life together.
Which is awesome I couldn't be happier about.
But
Recently my boyfriends ex started working with us both again. Now they wasn't really together they just hooked up a few times in all honesty and as it was described to me by my boyfriend when we started going out it was just sex.
Now my boyfriend seems to like to deny anything ever want on between them and lies about. This guy moved away and I learn my boyfriend stayed the weekend with him so you kinda understand what happens there.
Admittingly this was before me or even we met so doesn't bother me i have a past myself.
However the problem I have with it now is that now both is guy is back they are really good friends in work that is slightly starting spill out to outside work because this guy keeps asking him to come out. I don't like this guy , he isn't the type of guy I'd choose to socialise with due to our differences in views and lifestyles. But my boyfriend has a good laugh with him and jokes around about certain past things in front of me that he knows makes me really uncomfortable.
Furthermore this guy has invited himself round for dinner one night in the future, and instead of my boyfriend suggesting this is a bad idea knowing full well I don't like him, he keeps mentioning like it will happen.
Another incident happened where there was blatant flirting going on in front of me by this guy to my boyfriend in a taxi on the way home. My boyfriend had no clue what was going nk but me and my friend in the taxi could see it, how he kept trying to get my boyfriend to move closer to him or was suggesting little things of oh no don't touch my leg - when my boyfriend wasn't.
I don't like the level of comfort that's there if I'm honest and my boyfriend is way to keen to defend him and talk to him and create possible social occasions with him when he knows I'm not comfortable with the way they are because we've talked about.
I just find it hard to deal with sometimes and to tell my boyfriend no I don't want him at our home and to socialise with him over drinks because in all honesty I don't know what he would be like.

[TwisttheLeaf]

My first thought was maybe your boyfriend's hoping for a threesome. Just had to put that out there, because it -did- enter my mind.

That out of the way....

You really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. You need to make it clear that although you trust -him-, you don't trust this friend at all and are uncomfortable with him hanging around you boyfriend.

This isn't a wishy-washy conversation. It needs to be direct and deal with the issues in a non-blaming type of way that will keep discussion open on both sides.

[Cuddly]

It sounds like your boyfriend's friend is in love with him. So this is hard, but it can work in your favour. Eventhough I don't really like the tint of jealousy, this seems to have...

Assuming your boyfriend isn't in love with him, you should tell him that his friend is obviously in love with him and he is hurting him by making him think something might happen between the two of them, when it really won't. Your boyfriend likes the attention and values the friendship, but this isn't good for the friend. He can keep chasing your boyfriend for years without giving up the hope of something happening between them. He will throw away the opportunities of a real relationship, because of his fantasy, which, in his mind, may become reality any day now.
Assuming your boyfriend isn't in love with your friend, that could help you create a gap between them.

Or my imagination just went wild and I misinterpreted everything you wrote.

Either way, you don't like being made to feel like a third wheel and your boyfriend either doesn't realise or doesn't care. And he should. Cause he's with you and should try to keep you happy, thereby saying, he should avoid doing things that make you unhappy. As long as you're not being crazily overattached and bitchy-jealous.

[ChadCoxRox]

"trying to make" a life together will include working through difficult stuff...

The chance that "trying" actually is doing with intent and commitment gets stronger and stronger the more each partner is open and communicates. The less communication the worse the chance. It's not something you can just "measure" to judge; but, it is the process that will reliably reflect the general health of the effort. "People will show you who they are. Believe them."

Life's too short to not take risks in relationshipping IF having a partner is of value. Take time to understand the risks, anticipate the need for resilience, flexibility, etc. If these are understood of one another, the more the better for the relationship! How interested are you in each other's understandings? If you test it out and exploration and interest are present and accepted, great. If the effort seems overly laborious or fragile, I'd be concerned.

I hope we'll hear how it works out in time!!

[Bluelight]

Sounds really uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it seems like most gay relationships go through something like this, but it sounds like this "ex" is being very inappropriate. I would guess that this guy's jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend. You should really talk to him about this right away, if he knows that you're not comfortable with this guy inviting himself over for dinner but is letting it happen anyway, that crosses the line. I think this guy is really trying to test the waters and see what he can get away with, and someone has to tell him to back off. If it has to be you, so be it, but talk to your boyfriend about it first.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Recently my boyfriends ex started working with us both again. Now they wasn't really together they just hooked up a few times in all honesty and as it was described to me by my boyfriend when we started going out it was just sex.

You ain't acting like it was just sex, your behaving as if they were long term married folk with a deep past and lots of hidden jokes and secrets that comes from a deep well spring of love.

They were fuck-buddies - stress on the were as in past tense.


Jealousy is an ugly little monster.

Now my boyfriend seems to like to deny anything ever want on between them and lies about.

Vs

in all honesty and as it was described to me by my boyfriend when we started going out it was just sex.

So did or did not the BF tell you what happened here? Did he tell you the truth, or did he lie?

I don't like this guy , he isn't the type of guy I'd choose to socialise with due to our differences in views and lifestyles. But my boyfriend has a good laugh with him and jokes around about certain past things in front of me that he knows makes me really uncomfortable.

You can pick your friends, you can't pick the friends of your partner. Doing so is going to include the word 'forbid' in there as in 'I forbid you to ___________' once we go down that route things turn all ugly and the love ship slams into the black rocks of oblivion.


Now does he really know that this/these subject(s) make you uncomfortable? I personally find it difficult to believe he knows because you two don't appear to communicate well, he says something and you can't accept it at face value... Furthermore, it appears he is blind or innocent or naive or just so wrapped up inside himself he can't discern things like simple flirting.

If you have not come right out and said "When you do __________ it makes me feel __________." (fill in the blanks) then there is no way you can be certain he knows what makes you feel what.

Trust me, most couples don't do that simple formula. Most couples therapist start off teaching the couple to use that formula. Here it is again:

"When you do __________ it makes me feel __________."

your last line is revealing a few things which are on YOU not your BF not on the Ex or in reality just sex buddy:

...because in all honesty I don't know what he would be like.

You won't know what this guy is really like until you spend real time with him and get to know him.

That flirting you claim goes on mayn't mean much of anything than this is a form of communication that this guy uses. I know way too many guys who use flirting as a social tool without any intent of it going any further than just words.

YOU can't discern between 'fuck buddies' and relationships. Your BF has clear definitions for certain forms of relationships. He told you the way he sees it, but then you call him a liar.... This is most likely because you can't separate sex from relationships.

Things like inviting people to dinner. In California (Hollywood started this crap) we have a saying 'Let's do Lunch.' Its a brush off tactic which is based on the ancient practice of breaking bread as a way to prevent tribes from going to war.

People say shit all the time they don't mean as literal truth. "Yeah lets do that sometime" is uttered, meanwhile in the head the person is thinking 'Hell will of course have to freeze over first.....'

You and your BF need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

That forumla I threw out there:

"When you do __________ it makes me feel __________."

... is only one way to communicate.

Used to be folk just had to wing it, or turn to their agony aunt.... smart folk took a sideways course in psychology by going to a therapist. Today we have the internet and Google.

There are lots of sites on communication: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=eff...ationships

Go, read, get a few formulas to couch your questions in.... BTW it helps if your BF understand that when you are using something like "When you do __________ it makes me feel __________." that is your attempt to communicate as an adult. So you need to clue him in that you will be using effect communication tools which may, or may not appear to be that exactly.

Its an artform, best worked out in an environment where both people know 'this is communication time'. Meaning, it not wise to just throw into the conversation without a heads up that 'I need to communicate'...

Talk to him, learn from him how he is seeing everything you see as a problem.

I suspect that you are going to discover that he is just trying to humor this guy since you all work together, or at worst, he feels that this is a just friends situation and may even see the guy as a half decent FRIEND who is worth spending time with.

I seriously doubt your BF is actually interested in tossing your relationship to the curb for 'just sex Buddy'....

[Borg69]

Who doesn't like a little attention to boost one's ego? He's got two guys he's attracted to and had sex with flirting and fighting over him, and getting jealous. How awesome is that? No matter what happens, he wins and gets one of you. He's walking that fine line of wanting his cake and eat it too.

[Buzzer]

I think boundaries are important.

I also think that 'forbidding/controlling a boyfriend from having friendships' is an entirely different matter from discomfort with a boyfriend being uncomfortably close with a recent ex... and especially if, to your discomfort, he wants that friendship to extend to socializing together regularly outside of work amongst the three of you.

If you are very uncomfortable with the situation, and I don't blame you for being uncomfortable, I don't think you should feel obligated to "go along with" having the ex over to your place for dinner, going out drinking with him, etc., if it isn't something you are comfortable with. In the case of an ex remaining in the life of your boyfriend, I think it's up to him to find a way to have that fit into his life with you where it isn't harming you--- I don't believe it's your obligation to be quiet and find some way to force yourself to be okay with it if you aren't.

My two cents.

[CellarDweller]

This is a tough one, you don't want to come across as the jealous boyfriend trying to control and make demands, but you really don't like this guy.

I wonder if there is a way to compromise on this, in some way.

[Uneunsae]

Hmm, in my relationships, we've always made a rule of no contact with the ex. Works for me. They aren't "just friends." They are people with a romantic history. But I know plenty of people disagree with me. You have figure out what works best for you.