Did I do something wrong here?

[Kev77]

Hey all!

Could really use some unbiased advice here.

So, I was recently in a production and became acquainted with this guy. He's very sweet, cute and about 13 years younger than I (not that that makes a difference, I just usually am attracted to older men). Anywho, one night a group of us were out having drinks and he and chatted for a bit. Then, he starts Facebook messaging me and proceeds to tell me he thinks I'm attractive and wants to get to know me better. I was not expecting this at all! But it was a very pleasant surprise. So, over the course of the next month, he and I message back and forth...and the texts start getting more, um, familiar shall we say? He's sending me pics of him in his underwear, making suggestive comments, etc. So, I make the suggestion of going out on a date, having a movie night, etc. He says it would be great, but inevitably something comes up and the plans are cancelled.

So, here is where I'm getting confused...this past week, we had finally set a date for him to come over to my place, have some wine and watch a movie. He once again had to cancel. The reason was he was playing in a game that several friends/acquaintances of mine were either playing in or watching. Was confused why I wasn't extended an invitation to join, but oh well. So later, I texted him and said I was going to go out for a bit. He asked he where I was going as he wanted to meet up. So we did, had some fun out, then wound up going back to his place and hooking up. The texts the next day were great. He was happy about the hook up and we both had a good time. I asked if he would like to get together again that night at first he said yes...then a few hours later, suddenly he had friends coming into town to stay with him. And he had a concert to go to. I asked if I could tag along to the concert (as again, several people I knew were going as well) and he said he was already riding with a group, so "sorry". I tried to make plans for the next night and he was busy again. So, I went out with my friends. I texted him and told him where we would be if they wanted to join us later and he said ok. Later that night, I run into him with a group of people. I asked what they were up to and he said they were headed to a different bar. I was hoping for a "come join us! " but did not get one. I told him I would be heading back to where I was (which was only a couple doors down) didn't see or hear from him again all night. As I was heading home, I texted him "have a good night. Take care." and he responded with "you too, babe".

Sorry for the long ramble, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong here. Am I being too pushy? Should I just not contact him and wait for him to contact me? I just can't read him to figure out if he wants to date or just wants hookups or if he initially was interested and no longer is. Also, is it weird that he has not asked me to join him in his plans? It almost feels like he's avoiding me and I don't know why.

One thing I should mention as well is that I was in a 14 year relationship that ended about 2 years ago. Over the past 2years, I've only been on 3 dates and none of them panned out. I feel awkward in the dating scene, but I'm tired of being alone all the time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[Borg69]

He sounds rather immature, rude, self centered, inconsiderate, and like you're ok for a hookup but not seen by his friends.

[Cuddly]

It sounds like an inevitable heartbreak.
Tell him you feel like you're chasing him around, always trying to "make the move" and that you don't feel like you're getting anything in return. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship, and that's ok, but clearly you want something more than just the occasional hook-up. So tell him how you feel and proceed from there.
Either way, change it up, cause this is toxic to you.

Alternatively, you can assume he's capable of mindreading, and just stop planning anything around him and see if he makes a move.

[TwisttheLeaf]

It sounds like an inevitable heartbreak.
Tell him you feel like you're chasing him around, always trying to "make the move" and that you don't feel like you're getting anything in return. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship, and that's ok, but clearly you want something more than just the occasional hook-up. So tell him how you feel and proceed from there.

This. You need to figure out what he wants. Why he's acting so weird. This is the answer. Anything else is going to be guesswork, yeah?

To be entirely honest? He sounds extremely inconsiderate and.... I wouldn't even say he doesn't -realize- he's being inconsiderate or cares since it's a repeat behavior. Which means not only is he inconsiderate but self-centered as well. Not good material for anything but hookups, IMO. And I don't mean hookups with dates, I mean the kind that you either have come over or meet somewhere, pound them senseless then say "thanks" and boot out (or go home alone).

[ETOTE]

Well, Borg, Cuddly and Twist beat me to it, but I pretty much agree with all 3 and will echo.

Yes, he sees you as just a hookup.
IMO, while he may find you attractive, he may not want to be seen with you because he doesn't want his friends thinking he did it with an older guy, aka, he's shallow, and all the other stuff posted above.

Cut your losses and don't become emotionally involved.
If he wants to blow you again at some point, then he can call, text or come over and do the deed, otherwise don't even lift a finger to go out of your way for this prick for anything

In fact, merely showering to get ready for him is almost too much effort.

Find someone who does not have their head so far up their ass.

[Kev77]

All good advice. I do feel like I'm chasing after him, but he's sending me mixed signals. It's just been so long since I've connected with someone...especially one who made the first move with me. As I said, I'm so lonely and tired of it. But I don't want to feel this way either. It just sucks. I do think the best course of action is to just leave him alone for now. I've made it crystal clear that I'm into him and want to get together for more than just hookups. But I do have self-respect and will not subject myself to being his side dish. :-)

[TwisttheLeaf]

It's just been so long since I've connected with someone...especially one who made the first move with me.

The thing is, man? The first move shouldn't be the -only- move and that's exactly what's happening here.

You can do much better. You -deserve- much better. I know being alone can be hard sometimes, but that doesn't mean you should let someone take advantage and treat you like shit.

[meridannight]

he doesn't sound interested in you.

texts can say just about whatever; people can say one thing over a phone/text, but their body language can say another. you have made the effort and he has dodged giving you a straight up answer. that is what he has been doing, avoiding telling you yes or no. but while he isn't saying no out loud, he doesn't act like it's a yes either.

if he was interested he had plenty of opportunities to act like it. it doesn't sound like that is the case with him. i wouldn't waste my time with someone like that, but that's me.

[MikeW]

He's choosing other options, other opportunities, over you. That right there tells you his level of interest in you. It is immature, for sure, but even an immature person follows what *actually* interests him. Actions speak way louder than words.

[50Plus]

Kev, I really am a nice guy so will let you off easy. But it is your choice. Read comment 1 and feel OK. Continue on to comment 2 and possibly feel a tad lower than a slug sleeping in a gutter.

Comment 1:

You did nothing wrong. You're a nice guy. From the few words you have typed you could be a sweetheart. Sadly, your first romantic interest in 16 years is not nice or a sweetheart. It was not your fault. There was nothing you could do. He's a jerk. Move on. There's lots of guys out there who want you. You just have to meet them. Hugs and kisses, take care.


Comment 2:

He's choosing other options, other opportunities, over you. That right there tells you his level of interest in you. It is immature, for sure, but even an immature person follows what *actually* interests him. Actions speak way louder than words.

Read this quote. Read it again. And yes, one more time. And humour me please, read it again. That should be close to sinking in.

Man, this is just gonna sound harsh. I am in a tad bit of a bitchy funk, so DUCK!!

I say this solely based on what you have wrote. You are not #1 in his life. He was at a delicate point in his life when you met. He finds you attractive. He decided to chat you up. He made a mental note of you to keep you on the line.

He then proceeded to have various hook ups, meet ups, etc. with his friends. Who knows what he may / may not have been doing. Then one night he was out of viable options. You came along and well you two had a great night. He probably thought it was wonderful too.

But more guys have come in to his life since. And he is like a sailor at an all you can drink buffet. Sorry, you're perrier and he wants rum, and lots of it damnit.

He likely has a trapline running from Toledo to Toronto and down to Tampa via Texas and Tacoma. [ooops, sorry, I got sidetracked. I like alliterations]

Forget about him. Find someone else. From what I see there is this really cool internet forum for gay people. Lots of them looking and questioning and feeling rather sad and wondering why they cannot find anyone to date or to fall in love with.

I'm not sposed to mention this particular internet forum's name. But, I am a dick and a challenger. Besides, I've been kicked out of better places that this. So here goes.

The name of this particular internet forum is GaySpeak.com. check it out, you might find another lonely heart.