So here it goes. I met this guy (let's call him Joe) just under two years ago. I had no idea that he was gay, and I wasn't even sure that I was gay. Nevertheless, he came into my world and turned it upside down in the best way possible. We both fell for each other and long story short, we had a very unofficial thing over the next three months before he called it off in fear that someone would find out. He was my first true love...and I never got over him. Six months went by and I found myself in a new relationship with someone else and growing closer to Joe, quickly becoming his best friend and he mine. Joe was in a relationship too and we were there for each other. We just seemed to click, to make sense, but somehow he never saw it. This was in September...fast forward to the next June and he texts me one day out of the blue telling me he likes me, but that his head is in a weird place. I tell him I like him, and that I always have, but that I'm in a relationship. Nevertheless, I wanted to figure this out between us, because it mattered, because to me, he was worth it. Well, we just got back to school and we talked for hours the first time we saw each other. We both agreed we were each other's best friends, and that we liked each other and that there was something more there. He even kissed me, which he hasn't done since he met me. But also said that his mind was so f**ked up and that he didn't know what he wanted, and that he knew he did not want a relationship right now. He had been talking to guys on dating apps and other things, but yet he said that he cared about me so. Two days later, he texted me that his mind was SO screwed up that to better MY feelings, he was probably gonna stop talking to me for a while. I just couldn't take my heart being broken yet again, and so I severed all forms of communication with him. I know I deserve to be treated better. So what's the catch? What advice do I need? We are part of the same group at school and have tons of mutual friends, so I know I will have to see him. I know that my feelings for him will never truly go away and I wish that we could just have the second chance that we deserved! I'm not banking on it, but based on everything I ever did for him, I think that now that I'm pretty much out of his life, he is going to realize what he had and what he lost. And if he does and comes back and wants things to go back to the way they were, I don't know how I should react. I'm just at a loss...I just lost my best friend in the entire world and I don't know what to do. Sure, I could go on and let life take its course, but I really don't want him to not be in it. Any overall advice or what I should do going forward? Thanks.
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yobobo Wrote:I wish that we could just have the second chance that we deserved
If you want to give him another chance, then give him another chance.
You don't say -how- his head is in a bad place. Is he depressed? Suicidal? Self harming? Is he being promiscuous? What kind of bad place is his head in?
I ask this for a reason.
I can't even count how many times in the past six years I've tried to break up with Gideon because I thought he would be "better off" without me in his life. The culpret of this behavior is depression, in my case. I deal with severe depressive bouts, even when on medication (of which I wasn't always). When depressed, my self esteme goes out the window... I want to save Gideon from dealing with me and my depression, I feel he can do so much better, blah blah blah.
And so, I'd try to break things off with him.
Fortunately for me, Gideon recognizes what this is, and is a stubborn son of a bitch. He just plain refuses to allow me to break up with him when I'm in that mindset.
Maybe your friend goes through something similar.
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Right now, he says that his head is in such a weird place because he doesn't know what he wants. He is being promiscuous right now somewhat and can't seem to talk to me because he knows that I have feelings for him and deep down I know he has feelings for me to. I just don't get it. But I blocked him from all social media and from my phone, so the only way that he can contact me is in person and I don't think he will, not right away anyways. The thing I'm terrified will happen is that I won't mean enough to him for him to figure this out. I've poured out my heart and feelings to him too many times though. He needs to be the one to do it this time.
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*Reads Twist's post and grins*
The first time he -tried- to break up with me? It broke my heart, and I refused...absolutely -refused- to accept it. When I made him tell me -why- he was doing this, his reasons were as above, he thought it was better for me, he thought he was saving me from himself and his depression. But the truth was then, and is now...I could never, ever be better off without him.
We are good together. He makes me a better person. I am a better man with him than I ever was without him or could ever be without him in my life.
So my advice is simply this...the best things in life are worth fighting for and nothing worthwhile ever comes easy. Whether it's a relationship or just friendship, it certainly sounds to me like it's worth fighting for.
Talk to him, find out -why- he feels that pulling away is better for you, get him talking and dig for the deeper parts of this that he's not telling you. -Fight- for it, trust me...it's worth the effort.
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Welcome to GS Yobobo.
It sounds a bit like he knows you're in love with him and that he would like to keep you on stand-by, in case he can't find anybody better - which he's trying to do right now.
Either way, you deserve better than just somebody who doens't know what he wants.
Move on and find somebody who loves you back, for real.
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Here is my question though. What happens if in a week, or a month, or three months, he approaches me and apologizes and comes to the realization that he wants me in his life and he wants more and he is going to treat me the way I should be treated. What do I do then? Do I take him back and see where things go and risk being hurt again?
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It seems to me that he has very intense, overwhelming feelings for you. He's afraid of what he's feeling for you, afraid of his own emotions and is confused on how to deal with them, what they are and what they mean, what the implications of them may be. That is why he just needs a break from you to allow himself to cool off, collect his thoughts, compose himself. He is not intentionally hurting you, he just needs to examine his feelings and get his shit together.
If in a few months he comes back and is fully confident about his feelings and emotions and does want to pursue a genuine relationship with you, take him back, allow him to apologize and accept that. Also, just allow him the space he may need to understand what's going on in his head. I would also suggest you take this opportunity to examine yourself and your feelings for him as well in addition to what you want out of a relationship, specifically one with him. Maybe you shouldn't be in your current relationship since you have feelings for someone else...
My 2 cents anyway.
Welcome to GS
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I buried 6 humans and my dog this year...
What's the point? People (and dogs) pass into and out of your life.
We grieve the loss of an individuals - be it death or some other life thing that drives individuals apart. We get over it, move on, learn to breath again, learn to walk without them as a crutch - whatever.
Granted, death is kinder - it is pretty final. But you are going through a greif process and you need to just do it.
What if.... Well that is a bridge you really have yet to get to. Mayn't need to cross it (or burn it). So don't worry about it.
IF he comes back wanting to make amends - well deal with it the way you feel at that time. I assure you, what you are feeling now will not be what you are feeling a month, two months, three months down the road.
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didn't you ever ask him what was messing up his mind? don't you have an idea what it is that is causing this thing with him?
and one thing that is confusing to me -- when he first broke off your relationship you said he was afraid someone would find out. but he had no problems starting another relationship with someone else after that? what is that?
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He was the one who said he was going to stop talking to you for a while and you obliged and cut off communication. Deciding if you should give him another chance is premature, because he is the one who made a choice and so now it is up to him. The time to decide if you should give him another chance is if he comes back to you. but you can't live your life with hope and anticipation that might happen. It will hold you back. It could end up being nothing more than a waste of time and could prevent you from meeting friends or a lover that would make your life sweet. He has came into your life, made a choice to go out of your life, came back into your life again, and then chose to go back out of your life again. I am not really fond of the idea of expecting someone to put his life on hold for someone else to work out the problems in his life, because you are living your life according to an expectation of something that only might happen, not something that will for sure happen. That is not fair to you.
As far as the mutual friends and places and situations where your lives overlap, that is on him. He made the choice that he should not talk to you for a while and because he was the one who made this choice, he should certainly not expect it is you that will not go to certain places and hang out with certain people. Since it was his choice, it is he that should alter his life if he does not want to risk running into you.
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