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Most would assume that this is about an Ex harrassing or bothering me from the title, so I'll make it very clear
the trouble is
I hurt him badly, and I miss him, and If I could find a way, I'd do anything to make him love me again, if I could even find him again
I'm keeping myself annonymous because I'm simply going to state the facts of what happened those two, almost three years ago, and I already have enough people that hate me, and I worry more will when they read this.
I was dating, actually, when I moved to where I am now, I had been engaged to this guy for a month less then, a year and four months or ther abouts, near the end of it, through the rough times (plenty of me being a guillible idiot, he even said I could do things with an ex of mine, and then basically said it had been a test, by saying it's over, then he gavre me another chance, and I think that might have been my second mess up, though the other was something I said, I believe).. well, about halfway through the year I moved to my current
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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Location, he had been a little distant, and instead of talking about it to him, I simply role played with some friends to occupy my time when he was working, and if I was.. um... "happy"... and one friend it ended up going to far, and I "fell in love" with the guy, and then I figured I love my then Fiance more, but I had screwed up again, so I explained it to him and said I had to leave his life before I completly ruined it... now I recently lost a lover, and for some reason, I've had dreams and thoughts about my old love, and I've been suffering because of it... I honestly hadn't intended to cheat on him, I didn't intend to fall in like with someone else, to the point I thought it might be love.... and now I wish I could take it all back... that I could have my possibly to tolerant (and possibly a Liar, due to some inconsistancy in things he had said, that I can acttually remember, not to meantion he went AWAL from the Reserves, from what he told me)...
I need on advice on how to stop this pain... it's been
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killing me that it went like that sine the day I said goodbye... and now... I just want to curl uup and Die.. the horrid death I desrerve for being and Easily manipulated, easily used idiot cheater....
I have no clue how to handle this
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There's no doubt you fucked up. The fact is, the damage is probably done with this guy. You've broken his trust not once or twice but many times, and that kind of damage is extremely hard to recover from.
IF you look him up, the best you can do is apologize and hope he believes you are sincere. I definitely wouldn't hold any expectations of him taking you back, though. You can't "go back" and fix this, you can only move forward.
Cheating is a choice. Whether your manipulated into it... or drunk... or just plain stupid. It's a -choice- that is made. Every choice we make has consequences. Learn from them and move on with the knowledge under your belt how to not fuck up again in the future with someone new.
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Actions have consequences. Some things can't be fixed. You can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them in the future though, and realize that the people you're playing with are humans with real emotions.
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Are you gay? Need to ask to respond to you as I think I know what you are going through. I was the guy cheated on repeatedly. Have good advice for you...
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that's the problem, I chose to end my happiness to save him, I chose to tell him I had feelings for someone else, even though in both cases (him and the guy) it was online, and I could have stamped out the problem
every time I did something wrong (I wasn't the one that was mostly at fault the time I said something wrong, I commented about some... inconsistancy in some things he was saying, but I'm still to blame at least partially, since I even meantioned it) I appologised, sincecerly, and he seemed to realize that, and I as always trying my damnedest to make him happy, even at the sake of my happiness, I was willing, and still truely am, to give up everything in my life, with the exception of a few friends, for him, even my life as it is, but I have no way to know if the facebook I found was the one he is usuing, or if he made a new one (for the umpteenth time) and I don't know if his number is still the same, so the email I sent to him might not ever reach him...
honestly, the pain inside is quite litteral
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yes I'm gay, and I don't play with people, not on purpose, not subconsiously, I just end up hurting people when I let my heart (which seems to have three of seven different personalities of its own >.>) follow what it thinks is right
and I'll tell you a truth not many know...
there where so many times after that that I attempted or almost attempted suicide because of what i did to him...
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ly killing me ..
I forgot to put that after that large reply...
I wish I could die without anyone getting hurt because of it..
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Sometimes you have to use more than your heart for making decisions, man. Using your head is also a seriously important key component to decision making. Whether it's in relationships or anything else.
And if you are feeling suicidal, then you need to look into getting yourself into some therapy or counseling. There is plenty of free help out there for you, and it's important you reach out to a trained professional.
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