Meet A Great Guy, Makes more then me?

[Anonymous]

I am in this situation now. My BF of 4 years knows I have more money than he does, but he doesn't really know the extent of it, because I live a modest life way below my means. When I met him he didn't have a phone or a car because he couldn't afford them. I put up with that because I liked him. I work because I like to; he works because he has to.

Frankly I find it annoying when he offers to pay for things when I have 600x what he does. I would much rather he let me buy dinner and he put that money he would have spent into his retirement fund. Since he's way younger he's got time on his side for small sums of money to compound into something significant. I am older and no one in my family will ever need my money, so I just want to enjoy life however I choose. Why he tries to make things equal is absurd when the reality is that financially they are not. If we were to split our expenses 50/50 then it would mean I would have to live like I have nearly nothing. I don't want to live that way.

Take trips for example. If I want to go to a far away destination, I need airfare, hotel, and rental car. If I bring my BF along the only difference in expenses is one more airfare and a bunch of meals. The hotel and rental car costs are the same. Incrementally it's not 2x the cost for 2 people to go on a trip than 1 person to go alone. Every time I talk about a big trip, my BF says he can't afford it, even though I've said I will pay for it. I get tired of him talking about money when I am talking about destinations and experiences. And I tell him so. It is not fair to me if I want to take a trip with him and I am happy to pay for it that we not go on the trip so our expenditures are 50/50.

Direct communication is key. If your BF is fine with paying for a lot more things than you do, please just accept it and don't make a big deal out of it. If your boyfriend is holding his money over you like it something significant, then he's a creep and you should get out of that situation. Don't make a big deal over the money if it's not a big deal to your guy.

Be aware that some guys will pretend to be wealthy but in fact are just hugely in debt. Just because someone has a nice car and a nice house doesn't mean it's paid off!

Finally, don't go around telling people your BF is loaded. It's tacky.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"but he doesn't really know the extent of it, because I live a modest life way below my means."

Well if he does know he can't see it from the perspective you see it.

People without money who see hard working people without a lot of fancy stuff assume that like themselves the person is without money.

Poverty and working class people approach life differently than those who have the financial security to do things like invest in the future (retirement).

As for trips to places, he might actually not know how the financial aspect of that works... but then he already gets that its more of a burden, like with food and airfare... Which he can't afford.

Sure you are willing to pay for it, but at what point does accepting your gifts start feeling like he's a gold digger to you? He doesn't know, and I assure you a lot of un-rich folk don't want to be gold-diggers.

Another aspect that folk who are not financially secure have is that down here in the trenches there are too many people who try to buy us - buy our love, buy our affection, use material gain as a way to manipulate us into doing stuff.

Many of us are leery of hidden strings attached, the general assumption is that we will 'owe' something in return because too often we end up having to exchange 'gifts' - you give me something, I give you something.

So the issue is a lot more complex than just seeing X and Y bank accounts, the two life styles are very different.

The poorer a person is the more hard choices they have to make. For instance here in the USA many a once poor people spent a life having to treat their own ailments and put off seeking medical help until it warranted a ER visit. Once they get health benefits and all of that they still live the way they did.... putting off medical stuff until later.

This is core programing that isn't going to change over night.

The catch 22 you are in, in hiding your wealth from him, is going to lead him to believe that you really don't have the money yourself, thus he is going to be more reluctant to spend your money. He is seeing life from his perspective and putting you in that space he is at, you are seeing it from your perspective and trying to put him in that.

You both need to be able to try to see each others perspective.

[Anocxu]

I am in this situation now. My BF of 4 years knows I have more money than he does, but he doesn't really know the extent of it, because I live a modest life way below my means. When I met him he didn't have a phone or a car because he couldn't afford them. I put up with that because I liked him. I work because I like to; he works because he has to.

Frankly I find it annoying when he offers to pay for things when I have 600x what he does. I would much rather he let me buy dinner and he put that money he would have spent into his retirement fund. Since he's way younger he's got time on his side for small sums of money to compound into something significant. I am older and no one in my family will ever need my money, so I just want to enjoy life however I choose. Why he tries to make things equal is absurd when the reality is that financially they are not. If we were to split our expenses 50/50 then it would mean I would have to live like I have nearly nothing. I don't want to live that way.

Take trips for example. If I want to go to a far away destination, I need airfare, hotel, and rental car. If I bring my BF along the only difference in expenses is one more airfare and a bunch of meals. The hotel and rental car costs are the same. Incrementally it's not 2x the cost for 2 people to go on a trip than 1 person to go alone. Every time I talk about a big trip, my BF says he can't afford it, even though I've said I will pay for it. I get tired of him talking about money when I am talking about destinations and experiences. And I tell him so. It is not fair to me if I want to take a trip with him and I am happy to pay for it that we not go on the trip so our expenditures are 50/50.

Direct communication is key. If your BF is fine with paying for a lot more things than you do, please just accept it and don't make a big deal out of it. If your boyfriend is holding his money over you like it something significant, then he's a creep and you should get out of that situation. Don't make a big deal over the money if it's not a big deal to your guy.

Be aware that some guys will pretend to be wealthy but in fact are just hugely in debt. Just because someone has a nice car and a nice house doesn't mean it's paid off!

Finally, don't go around telling people your BF is loaded. It's tacky.

So the recurring issue here is based on dishonesty?

What am I reading? ??
1)You have waaaaay more money than your guy...

2) He has no clue HOW WEALTHY YOU ARE..

3) He constantly tries to compensate based on the lack of info ON your finances...

4) Whenever he makes an effort to compensate or pay his part
... It Annoys YOU?

5) Then you package this discomboulation into an editorial ... post it on Gay Speak ...and call it advice?

Hiding your money is one thing...
Why would you be annoyed with your boyfriend when he tries to pay his part? You explain yourself as if you are down right insulted by his 'measly" contributions ?

If you read this thread properly. ..
A scenario like this is one the opening poster needs to avoid.

[Anocxu]

My network is misbehaving today.

[Anonymous]

My BF understands I have WAY more money than he does, because I have explicitly told him so in those exact words. I don't follow the idea that I am being in any way dishonest with him, maybe you can further explain. I don't think he has any right to know my net worth. Is that what you are suggesting? I am not comfortable with that. Maybe someday.

I've clearly explained to him that I don't need to work, that I have way more money than him, and that I am much more comfortable paying when we do things since it's trivial sums of money for me, and that the greatest gift he could give me would be to invest his earnings wisely for himself so he achieves some of his own financial independence.

Before he met me he had no retirement account, no financial literacy. I've taught him a lot. He's been open to learning about money. The problem in America is we have almost no social safety net and absolutely no education in financial matters.

Anoxcu's charged response shows how differing people's perceptions around wealth can be. I don't know how much longer I wish to participate in this topic if that is the tone.

So my advice if I could put it more succinctly. If you're dating someone who obviously and truly has way more money than you, offer to pick up the dinner tab from time to time, but don't insist over and over again at one meal to pay if the person of greater means feels more comfortable taking care of it. Don't make a big deal out of it. (I personally find that annoying because it becomes arguing over money, which is really dull.)

For my own situation, I would much rather receive a gracious offer I can respectfully thank and decline and have my BF keep investing his extra money, currently with my help when he asks for it, and eventually on his own when he's up to the task. Him achieving financial stability and independence will put us in a much more equal situation economically than trading buying dinners out.

As to the OP's question, address it with him directly. Don't overspend or try to keep up. You can't impress wealthy people through money. You can impress genuine people by being yourself, living within your means, being successful on your terms, being kind, considerate, and fun. Disparate incomes might cause a ripple now and then, but it's no real obstacle. Relax and enjoy your time together.