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First post, partial life story, and want advice!
#1
I'd like some advice from fellow gay men and it's probably important to let you know my back story. I've never sat back and just written out these experiences but I don't know what else to do and I think it'll help get some solid advice.

First off, I'm not openly gay. I live in the US in a state with gay marriage and a liberal reputation but that literally means nothing in that there are many lower class people here and many religious / militant conservatives here and I would be in danger physically, reputation-wise, and mentally if I were openly gay. I also just don't plain feel comfortable letting the average person know I'm gay because I feel the first thing people tend to do is judge you on what they first find out and act around that in their own beliefs and experiences, I've dealt with the ignorant far too much to want to deal with that. I'm 26, currently quite disabled with medical issues, cannot work, and live at my mother's house with her husband who does not work and is mentally ill but refuses to get help. (He talks to himself, yells to himself, talks to inanimate objects, has fits of rage out of no where at nothing, steals peoples possessions, and does many other strange things he claims he doesn't remember, because of this I have a padlock on my door when I won't be home for an extended amount of time.)

So, the beginning:
I had my first homosexual thoughts in middle school. There was a boy I liked and one night I kept thinking about him and started to pleasure myself. At the time I was being raised conservatively with religion being pushed on me a lot and I felt guilty afterwards and confused. I kind of ignored this and didn't really focus on my sexuality again or have much of any gay thoughts until after I graduated high school.

In 2009 I came out to my mother. I needed to because after having a close friend online for over a year we had formed a relationship and I planned on him to visit. I had told one of my brothers slightly earlier and he was perfectly accepting. My mother, however, despite always claiming to be liberal, saying she had gay friends and acquaintances, and being open and accepting to gay relationships, marriage, etc, she was not very accepting. She told me I was confused that I wasn't gay and that 'she knew who was and wasn't gay and I definitely wasn't.' I felt crushed, betrayed, insulted and frankly humiliated. None the less, my then boyfriend came and we enjoyed our time together, and I lost my virginity to him. After he left, my mother and I fought quite a bit, mostly over my sexuality, again trying to 'prove' to her that I was gay and the fights were me mostly arguing to her that you can't tell another person their sexuality and you can't decide it for them. I became depressed and detached. The rest of my family didn't know I was gay and I couldn't (and to this day have not let him know) tell my father I was gay as he was and still is very conservative and religious and I know for a fact he does not accept homosexuality, nor does his wife. Eventually I suffered a sort of mental break down and attempted suicide. I was taken to the hospital and ended up going into the mental wing and staying there for a while. It wasn't fun. I assume they gave a sort of summary of why each person was in the wing to the nurses and staff as every day various nurses and psychologists would come to talk to me. It didn't help I had one nurse that came in and asked me about the arguments I had with my mother and decided to tell me that homosexuality wasn't a real thing and that I was just "gay because I was mad at my mother." Eventually I was let out of that wing and had post-hospital care in a group meeting setting though I never really told the group my problems or let them know I was gay I did meet with an individual psychologist who knew and was much more accepting. Eventually I got out of that and while I still feel depressed sometimes, I feel I've healed a lot.

I've had a couple interests online since then, but nothing else that turned to real life as locally I don't feel comfortable seeking out other gays. I've tried it twice before and frankly people where I live are not very nice people. To this day the only people that know I'm gay that I know of who know I'm gay at least, is one of my brothers, my close friends, and my mother.

This leads me to my home life, like I said earlier, I am disabled and can't really work. I'm deep in financial debt and have many expenses and bills, thus am trying to get government assistance, though what I'd ultimately like is to get a bunch of my friends to be room mates and get an apartment with me, though no one really seems to want to do this, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. Regardless, being home all the time I deal with my mother's husband a lot. As far as I know, he doesn't know I'm gay but he might. As embarrassing as it is, I do have sex toys. I keep them hidden of course and not in the open, but about a year and a half ago before I had a lock on my door, I had come home to find the bag I keep them in (which is buried under some other things) open and them strewn out on top of the bag. No one else was home so all I can assume is that my mother's husband had gone through my stuff and for whatever reason found and examined my sex toys. I didn't know what to do, was humiliated and angry at the invasion of privacy so I had told my mom that her husband went through my things, her reaction was essentially 'so what' and feeling the need to explain why it was such a disturbance to me other than privacy I told her they were sexual things without going into detail. She was of course upset (but what else was I to do?) and said he wouldn't do that and blew it off. I put my things away and stewed in anger and humiliation for a bit.

Like I said earlier one of my brothers knew I was gay, I had trusted him but he may have leaked information to my oldest brother as that year at Christmas time my oldest brother (as he always does) was being an ass to me. He however struck home when he started making gay jokes towards me, at the time we were around my father at his home and I was afraid either he had told my father or was trying to hint to my father I was gay, but I wasn't sure if he actually knew or was just being an ass. I had told my mother about this not sure if either my other brother or she had told him, and she said that he had asked her if I had had a boyfriend at one time and she responded that's up to him to tell you. So I guess he knows?

Today I went to the bank, twice unfortunately to try and sort out some issues with my account. Both times I left my laptop on, and didn't bother locking my door, the second time I came back my laptop was in a new window that I know I didn't open that was a folder of personal pictures of me and my first boyfriend that were fairly sexual in nature that we had taken for private use... since the only other person at the house was my mom's husband, obviously he was going through my laptop. I am offended, angry, and humiliated all at the same time. I don't know what if anything I should do. I feel like all I face here is humiliation, degradation, and insult most of it stemming from my sexuality. The obvious answer is to move out but like I said I'm disabled and I don't have the money or resources and I'm 26, not exactly young, I know I shouldn't still be living at home and everyone else does too but until I get some sort of government assistance, that's not an option.

So in the meantime my question is how should I cope with this? I feel like every chance my family gets they can and will insult and humiliate me. Has anyone else dealt with similar family situations?

I don't know who to ask or talk to about this stuff so I apologize if this post is scatter brained or inappropriate or too long, I just need advice and maybe a few words of encouragement. :frown:
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#2
First off Welcome to the forum.

You've come to the right place for advice or to vent, regardless of the topic. No one will judge you here, although Im sure a few will call you out for leaving your laptop set up without a screen lock! Doh....

The family situation that you find yourself in is actually much more common than you may think, regardless of disability, and I'm sure there will be plenty of advice offered on how to manage that situation. Just remember your the one in the thick of it, and at the end of the day the advice is coming from people who don't know you or your situation in enough detail to give you the RIGHT answer. Only you know whats right for you.

Back to the, err, photo situation.

You really have two options:

1. Call him out on it face to face - but make it about being in your room and touching your personal stuff. [I wouldn't dive straight in and talk about what he may or may not have seen on screen - at least not yet]

2. Ignore it, and wait for the tsunami that may, or may not arrive at anytime in the next 5 minutes.

So, my first questions are, are you sure it was your mom's husband who when through your things? Do you live with any siblings? When did this happen (an hour ago or last week)?

Some of those answers may help others offer more focussed advice.

BTW, no one is going to call you out for living at home aged 26!
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#3
You seem to have the situation scoped out; until you can move out you're kinda stuck. Password protecting your computer will help, as will keeping your door padlocked more consistently. Why not keep sensitive computer stuff on a removable drive?

And Welcome to GS!
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#4
Folf Wrote:This leads me to my home life, like I said earlier, I am disabled and can't really work. I'm deep in financial debt and have many expenses and bills, thus am trying to get government assistance, though what I'd ultimately like is to get a bunch of my friends to be room mates and get an apartment with me, though no one really seems to want to do this, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. Regardless, being home all the time I deal with my mother's husband a lot. As far as I know, he doesn't know I'm gay but he might. As embarrassing as it is, I do have sex toys.

I know it's quite harsh for you, but you really have to move outta your house
the source of your problem comes from your family, not an easy option to pick but you really have to do everything you can to move out and lead your own free life
my older brother also like that, he constantly tease, insult, and embarass me. it still hurts if I think back and remember what terrible things he's done to me
but you know, I forgive him, but I never want to see him again tho' he regretted what he's done and want to start over
and sorry I have to say this but yes, for now please cope with them until you can finally get your own place. Bighug
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#5
OlderButWiser Wrote:So, my first questions are, are you sure it was your mom's husband who when through your things? Do you live with any siblings? When did this happen (an hour ago or last week)?

None of my siblings live in the house it had to have been him. I ended up telling my mother what had happened and first she denied it then ultimately came to 'I don't know what to do he doesn't listen to me anyways.' So I guess I should just ignore it. I just feel really uncomfortable and kinda violated :S
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#6
At the end of the day you need to think about your own wellbeing, and no matter how uncomfortable the situation may be, or even how violated you feel, your own personal safety and security should be uppermost on your mind, and that includes maintaining a roof over your head.

Are there any local gay support groups you can reach out to for advice?
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#7
You're in a difficult situation and obviously, until you can find some way to live on your own, you're trapped. For sure, you have to keep your door locked and your computer set up so it can only be accessed with a password.

I wonder what social services are available in your area? It would be good if you had some sort of support group or network -- perhaps through PFLAG or some such?

I'm also curious about your disability. Not asking you to share that but more along the lines of an observation... you're obviously educated and intelligent, sufficiently so to write coherent paragraphs. There are many things one can do these days using the internet that can be done from home. It might require some training on your part but it might be worth exploring what is possible for you.

If it helps to write about what is going on in your life, keep coming back to the forum and talking with us.
.
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