New Relationship/Sexual Conflicts

[Dreamer]

So, I've been seeing this guy for about a month now.

He's everything I've ever desired in a man... finally, for once in my life (no joke) all the flags are green, as I usually cut people off once we get to one red flag.

The problem is he can't keep it hard and enjoy it long enough to bust a nut, since according to him, I'm way too aggressive/intimidating in bed. He only gets off when shit is slow, sweet, and simple... but that bores me.

I prefer being slapped around, bitten, pushed, grabbed, and forcefully dictated in bed.. shit that turns him off.

What to do, what to do?

All recommendations are deeply appreciated! [emoji4]

Thanks

[Virge]

The problem is he can't keep it hard and enjoy it long enough to bust a nut, since according to him, I'm way too aggressive/intimidating in bed. He only gets off when shit is slow, sweet, and simple... but that bores me.

I prefer being slapped around, bitten, pushed, grabbed, and forcefully dictated in bed.. shit that turns him off.

Rule #1
The easiest person on earth to change is yourself, not others.
You sound like my guy back when I first met him 9 years minus 25 days ago. I was a total newbie with a single one night stand with a guy being my entire experience up to that night. I leveled with him about it and told him I wasn't ready for that. He cooled his jets down to a speed I could deal with and things were great for me and believe it or not totally new for him.

Over time I opened up to doing things his way to a certain degree. I cannot slap him or call him names or hurt him so call me old fashioned. He's okay with that.

Now out of the bedroom we play rough -- probably rougher than most guys. He's a good wrestler and so am I and all it takes it the right words, the right look or the right touch and he and I go at it till we're out of breath. But when it gets time to do the big nasty -- and if he's feeling wild he better fight to tie me down and ride me like he's got a pocket full of tickets at the county fair. When that happens I don't care how much he bites from one elbow to the other, my neck down my chest. I'll wear claw marks with pride! hahahaha!

And I pick him up and throw him around all the time now. I get extremely physically aggressive with him most the time. He knows how to push my buttons to get me in that mood and TBH... I love him doing it. But I just cannot cross that barrier of talking to the guy I'm crazy about with words I try not to use even when I try not to hate. Let someone else call him names and they could end up in the ER. I'm old fashioned about that -- and now he likes that.

If you like the guy as much as you say... tone it down and take things slow and accept his limits. We've gotten to the point that 50% of the time we're f**king we're lip locked most the time... It's all about the big O's... and the little oooohs too. hahahhaha!

[Dreamer]

Thanks for the insight Virge.

Don't get me wrong, I love intimacy! Touching, kissing, eye contact, etc.. I do that too, and we both enjoy it. I just worry we're not sexually compatible in the long term...

To think, something as trivial as sex could fuck this relationship up kills me... I'm a thirsty horn dog with 5 years of pent up sexual frustration that needs unleashing. My sexual appetite is literally insatiable at this point in my life.. fml [emoji17]

My needs are being met by him in all other regards, but in bed it's like we're two different species.

One can only masterbate so much to calm the beast inside.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Ok, so like you? I like shit rough a good deal of the time. But, I didn't always. This preference came about within my relationship with Gideon specifically.

He introduced me to it, worked me into it. And I found I liked it. When something happened to me (home invasion and all that went with it) we had to stop. For a couple years I -couldn't- handle it. I couldn't deal with it. Every time it started getting rough, I started throwing up.

Over time, we found that groove again (with a few alterations in respect to residual triggers for me).

My point is.... maybe he just doesn't feel safe enough/comfortable enough yet.

In truth, you need to accept that it's possible he will NEVER feel safe enough/comfortable enough to do what you want. You need to decide if he's worth sticking with, even if those things you crave can't be fulfilled. (Nothing wrong with knowing your needs and accepting that they have to be met, but if that's the case, it's something you need to examine and honestly decide on.)

[Hardheaded1]

So, I've been seeing this guy for about a month now.

He's everything I've ever desired in a man...

You know this man this well after only a month? Dubious.

I prefer being slapped around, bitten, pushed, grabbed, and forcefully dictated in bed.. shit that turns him off.

Which is it? Is he everything you have ever desired in a man, or does he fall short sexually? You've posted contradictory statements.

What to do, what to do?

My grandparents stayed together all their lives despite some considerable differences and challenges. I didn't have the luxury of asking my grandfather about sex before his death when I was only nine years old, but Grandmother seems to have been devoted to him in life and death.

You have to decide what is enough in a mate. Is it enough for him to be a wonderful person, ideally suited for your companion, except for meeting your sexual druthers? Sex is a learned behavior, especially when one is talking about rituals involving biting and whatnot. The simple fact is you have evolved past the simple act of sex into a supplemented expectation of having additional itches scratched. For you, it is evidently not enough to be loved and cherished, but to be accommodated. You feel like your needs are not being met. This is a story retold millions of times around the planet.

You can both try to learn to speak the other person's language of sex, as you already seem to share love. Only time will tell if either or both of you will learn to gravitate to the other's style. And only time will tell if it will continue to matter.

People are not stereo systems. We don't often get to go shopping and get all the options we wanted in one system. If your guy is 95% of what you want in mate, that may be as high as you'll ever reach. It may be unreasonable to ask for 100%. Of course, you may learn that you're willing to accept a guy with only 50% as long as that key sexual performance box is checked. It's a matter of priorities.

[JackTX]

I prefer being slapped around, bitten, pushed, grabbed, and forcefully dictated in bed..

Well I guess we know what you dream about :p

[MENTION=21866]Hardheaded1[/MENTION] was pretty spot on. I hope you guys figure it out though. If you stay together long enough he may move more your way and you may learn to appreciate some of the boring things too

[Rareboy]

I don't know where to start.

You run as soon as there is one red flag...but all the flags here are green...except for the big red flag that you are here to discuss.

He's not likely to change. And it doesn't seem like you are considering it. You're going to bolt. Might as well do it now rather than a year from now.

[Darius]

Here's what to do: on Saturday, spend the whole day together and just annoy the shit out of him. Really piss him off until he gets so mad he finally beats the hell out of you. By then you will be rock hard and ready to blow your load. When that happens, you start to cry and cling, sobbingly, to his hairy chest, begging his forgiveness. This will cause him to pop major wood. You quickly mount him and before he has a chance to realize what has happened, you both are finished.

[meridannight]

there's no magic solution to this. either you two can meet each other somewhere halfway out, or you both agree to switch to having sex the way the other one prefers it half the time, or it won't work. i don't think relationships survive sexual incompatibility.

[Rareboy]

Here's what to do: on Saturday, spend the whole day together and just annoy the shit out of him. Really piss him off until he gets so mad he finally beats the hell out of you. By then you will be rock hard and ready to blow your load. When that happens, you start to cry and cling, sobbingly, to his hairy chest, begging his forgiveness. This will cause him to pop major wood. You quickly mount him and before he has a chance to realize what has happened, you both are finished.

omg. lol. .....best. worst. answer. ever.