Hi, I'm the bf of ffffffff10000000 (: so if you read his post, this is just kind of a continuation/amendment of that. I don't think he worded it in a way that gave both sides of the story, so I'm reposting (and he will be reading it) so we can get some real advice, because we both would like some.
We just finished having a loooong talk about this rule that we've been observing about not making any new gay friends. This rule was kind of a semi-formal thing that we came up with (probably because I suggested it) toward the beginning of the relationship, but just now it came up in discussion because he doesn't think it's fair, and doesn't want to do it anymore.
I felt the rule was a great idea, because it helps preclude anything bad happening with other people (cheating, falling for someone else) that sometimes occurs in relationships where you are constantly having to compete with other gay guys. I figured the friends we had made up to that point were okay, but making new (gay) ones just invites flirting from them because many of them will just be looking for sex.
He doesn't like the rule because he has a hard time making friends, and he feels like I am disqualifying a lot of potential friends with this rule. He also feels it's unfair that I have 4 gay friends I've known for years, whereas he only has two that he isn't particularly close to.
Because of my past experiences and what I generally know about people, I feel more comfortable when neither of us has to worry about competition from new gay friends who may or may not harbor ulterior motives. I have been cheated on by both my past bfs, and I cheated on my previous bf (I told him about it and stopped doing it), so I know that no one is immune to it under certain circumstances. So although he says he won't be tempted, it is hard for me to believe - I said the same thing to myself once before I messed up :/
I will be the first one to admit that I get jealous more easily than he does, but I am hardly a "control freak" (in fact I agreed to give up the rule before my bf even posted his thread). I just want to know your opinions on this, knowing that neither of us is a "bad" guy, we just have different opinions.
tl;dr - how do you guys feeling about your partner making new gay friends? does it make you jealous? do you have rules regulating how you act around gay friends?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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I haven't changed my original opinion. You are an overly controlling person with serious jealousy issues that need to be addressed.
Equally disturbing is that you are both looking to people here to support your respective positions instead of resolving this the way it should be....within your relationship.
Here's a news alert for you. It isn't having homo friends that will lose you your BF. It is the jealousy, lack of trust and controlling behaviour that will finally drive him away.
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you're just like a person who scared of eating because you're afraid of getting hungry later.
especially when your bf find it hard to befriend others, being an introvert myself, I feel the pain of not being able to make friends as many as I want. when I found one, it's not easy to be into that kind of "state" it takes us a lot of effort to accept them and trying to make them accept me.
having a gay friend doesn't mean you automatically announce, "I'm gay and lonely so, let's fuck!"
no need to explain more on this, you've read enough in your bf's thread and I couldn't agree more with people's feedback there
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I'm still skeptical of the authenticity of this story line and the posts.
If they are not just trolling for drama in the advice, then this second thread is all the evidence anyone would need of a controlling obsession on the OP's part.
One cannot seriously advise any partner not to make friends of any sort. Don't become a dope addict, don't go barhopping with whores, or don't start tagging with your skateboarding friends are all valid concerns about behavior. Don't make friends is just a euphemism for saying "you're my property." Having affairs and having friends are not the same and the two should not be conflated.
For anyone to buy the premise that gay friends are inherently more untrustworthy requires us to view gay men with bigotry. If your circles are filled with untrustworthy gay acquaintances, that says a lot about the way you make friends and the level of morality in that circle.
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Take what you will from this story......
I had a friend who was a fellow shop owner and we used to walk together sometimes at lunchtime....
...and so one time when we were getting ready to walk her shitty little husband came in and started garbling on about how he was gonna "kill himself" if we went WALKING...yikes
He knew I was gay...and luckily I had his number having had much experience with guys like him...I had been with one before. He tried to isolate me from everyone and sometimes it almost (but not quite) was worth letting go of a friend so I wouldn't have to listen to him trash them anymore and tell me what is wrong with them.,....
So...we walked that day but steered clear of that subject and I graciously pretended that I didn't
notice what had happened as I understood the awkwardness....So...within a week the little shit came over to me and my BF and started confiding to us how he fucked this and that girl...and also offered himself to us sexually (BARF).
Well...it was a teaching moment for my BF. I told him that the goal was this: I was supposed to tell her what he had said so he could PROVE to her we were trying to start a fight and break them up and then isolate her from any friend she made.
You see...I had seen this behavior so many times from controlling boyfriends when I bartended when the one being controlled had started to hang out and make friends and the boyfriend would come along to "clean it up" by causing drama and then convincing his BF that it was the other way around in order to isolate him......
My BF is a sweet man and had never had to deal with that bullshit before so I wanted to make sure he didn't fall into the trap.
He didn't. Neither did I. Years after she left the little turd I told her what happened. We had a laugh. The end.
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[MENTION=21866]Hardheaded1[/MENTION].....it is a little weird when you have a couple drag a subject like this to the interwebz dining room table for discussion.....but the scary part is that I've seen this kind of behaviour live...so at the very least, hopefully some of the advice and comments will resonate with others who are locked in an abusive and self-destructive cycle of jealousy......we have watched couples have a fight about this type of behaviour in front of us....doing the same thing as the two parties here....trying to get others to agree that it was reasonable/unreasonable.
One of my best GF's married a total control freak who quite purposefully and deliberately peeled her away from all the friends she'd had for 20 years...not only because of the sexual jealousy, but he couldn't stand not controlling every aspect of her life. No surprise. She did eventually leave him...
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This isn't going to end well.
Look. Whilst I haven't bothered to read your partner's post as I have been away dealing with hella more important shit, I can already see that you have serious psychological issues which is going to doom any relationship you get into, and is going to doom this one.
I get it, your exe's cheated on you. My ex cheated on me, then I have an ex that beat me so badly I spent a few days in ICU and weeks in casts and other not so pleasant things. I do not limit the activities of any partner because I think they may cheat on me, or beat the crap out of me.
YOU need therapy to work through your issues.
None of us here on Gayspeak are going to take your side because your side is illogical and demanding way to much from anyone. Your side comes from a skewed sense of proportion caused by anxieties resulting from 'bad relationships' of the past. This is a sickness.
This isn't to say I invalidate your feelings. I do validate your feelings, I validate your fear and anxiety with a relationship. I do not, however, condone nor support your method of dealing with your anxiety, fear, etc over things done to you.
You need help, professional help to get over those betrayals of trust and to get you back to dealing with the rest of humanity on a more normal and acceptable level, one based on some sort of trust.
No man is going to accept this demand. Sure many may try to appease you, to give you what you want, but what you want is unreasonable and no human being can live up to this.
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An equal fault in our society is the raising of children to accept abusive love.
Of course, ultimately we are responsible for the abuse we tolerate. That is not to be confused with the fallacy that we have done something to trigger or justify the abuse, but we are in fact responsible when we do not face facts and stand up.
The present scenario isn't clearly presented as abuse, but most of these situations end up that way. Asking for control and acting out when losing that control are closely related.
My mother kept a boyfriend for three years who beat her regularly. He was insanely jealous, a druggie, and bonafide paranoid schizophrenic. And guess what? She had alternatives, lived in the same town with multiple family members whom she called on when her choice, but eschewed when they didn't suit her. Many times the ones abused have mentally cut off the avenues to help and success, making themselves victims in perpetuity when it is not a stay-or-starve scenario. But, I digress. We just have two boys here who a fundamentally unhappy at this point with the status quo.
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I agree with Hardheaded1, something smells fishy about these two, but we can play along....
OP, if you think that avoiding other gay guys will help you avoid cheating, then I suppose the next step is to control the internet with all it's temptations? What about the so called "friendship" sites with apps for your phones? There is no end of temptations out there but the answer is not in controlling the one you are supposed to love. To be honest, I'd hate to be either one of you guys. You are basically telling each other that you can't trust them. How is that different then telling them you aren't sure you love them?
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I still say the same thing here. if you think the gay vs. straight label is going to matter, you're kidding yourself. There are plenty of guys who ID as straight but mess around with guys as in [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION]'s example above, including married guys with kids. If anything they are better at deception.
Bottom line is, if you don't trust your boyfriend (or yourself) limiting who you can hang out with using demographics to try to reduce temptation is a joke. You have to deal with the root problem, which is the lack of trust.
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no new gay friends rule
