i was in the same position not that even a year ago. but i finally realized and admitted to myself that if there even is a god (not to mention if he/she is the god of the bible or not) that i was this way and all the sincere praying didn't prompt him to change the fact that i was gay. so i was pretty content (for a while) knowing that god didn't seem to care about my sexuality...
Why would any god care about our sexuality? It is SO human centric and ego centric -- like we're SO damn important and what we do is SO damn important -- that the alleged "creator" of the whole cosmos -- and it is one HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE MOTHER F'ER of a cosmos -- not to mention billions and billions and billions of years old -- like the "creator" of all this gives a rats ass what someone does with their willie!
Give me a break.
Besides, no where in the bible does it say anything, really, about GAY PEOPLE.
To begin with, neither the Abrahamic God or Christ had a single thing to say about homosexuality.
None of the various versions of the big ten commandments have even a whisper about cocksucking.
And Jesus? Nope. Not a peep. Although he did save the Centurion's homosexual slave/lover (look it up).
So I never can figure out how people decided it was a sin. Except for a glancing blow in Leviticus and the personal viewpoint of Paul.... who unfortunately beat James in the games of early Church angling for supremacy and has become doctrinally more important than Christ for fundamentalists.
And for several decades even the Catholic Church acknowledges that homosexuality is a natural state and not a mental illness or visitation of Satan. That they don't want anyone to act on it is really no different than their proscription against all sex outside of a permanent union between a man and a woman for the purposes of procreation.
Spend some time learning more about the actual history of homosexuality in your religion and recognize that bronze age religions and texts, translated by Medieval scholars with personal biases, preached by others with often limited command of the history or original language and intent of the Abrahamic or even the Greek and Latin texts have conspired to create this false feeling of guilt.
Liebe, you are confronting change, major change. It is human instinct to go to fight-or-flight mode. So, be aware of that as your feelings vacillate. Knowing that your gut will tell you one minute to turn back and the next minute to take a stand, will help you understand your feelings.
As for your faith, be careful. You have taken a number of years to acknowledge your homosexuality and to face it full on. That's a big step. Contrary to those who hate faith and see it as the source of all human ills, it isn't. It isn't right in all the things it claims or asserts, but man is a spiritual creature, and that isn't to be confused with plain old superstition. 85% of the planet's human population reaches for God. That's because it is fundamental to our being. Whether that is a philosophical proposition or a religious one, it is meaningful.
Keep your faith, but learn how to grow within it. It may take you years to gain your feet beneath you, to defend your life as a gay man, but you will. It may mean moving from where you live to a bigger place. But, don't let people who hate the faith tell you it is all black or white. This isn't some political election where the opposing party or candidate is all wrong and is right about nothing. That's just convenient blaming. Your faith has also "programmed" you to help the poor, love your neighbor, be honest about who you are, and do good for the world while you have time. Those teachings are noble, and are not to be discarded lightly.
Your faith is every bit as much of who you are as your sexuality. It won't be easy maintaining both, but you won't be happy without finding yourself in both. Don't be afraid to revisit your understanding of your faith and what is true versus what is someone's repackaging of it to suit their own biases. If you abandon your faith because others doubt it, you will only be setting yourself up for defeat, as you will never find the same community among the disparate gay population that you do in your local grouping of friends and fellow church members. And, your relationship with the Creator is meaningful, and is not an impediment to your happiness -- only the imputed teachings and belief systems added to the truth have made religion hostile to your homosexuality. Re-read Rareboy's post.
Keep posting. Keep exchanging ideas. In that process, you will find what you truly believe about yourself, about God, about society, about sexuality. And, you will soon KNOW what you must do.
Hardheaded1 Wrote:Your faith is every bit as much of who you are as your sexuality. It won't be easy maintaining both, but you won't be happy without finding yourself in both. Don't be afraid to revisit your understanding of your faith and what is true versus what is someone's repackaging of it to suit their own biases.
I can't agree more.
It's been hard maintaining both,and I've been feeling lonely too in my journey as I can't easily reach like-minded Muslims here. But my faith and my sexuality are part of me and they need to co-exist for me to be me.
I was brought up in quite a religious family where anything none heterosexual is bad and you will go to hell etc etc blah blah.
I pretty much abandoned religion a few years ago (not because of my sexuality bit because it does not really help me).
From my point of view there is only so long you can go on trying to tell yourself you are not who, deep down you know you are.
I have lost a lot of friends over the years because I have distanced my self from a lot of social situations because I have always felt awkward pretending to be a straight person (not wanting to get drunk with everyone for fear of doing something or saying something that would reveal the 'real' me).
It'd not got me anywhere as I am still pretty down about everything and I'm burdened with this big lie (holding to change all that though in the new year).
Long and story of all that though, once you admit things to yourself then sooner you can start to make the most of life and hopefully have what most other people have - a happy relationship with that special person.
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Capricorn
