Long Term Relationship Dilemma

[bluepainter]

I need advice. I've been in a relationship with my partner for almost 16 years. I feel like I'm emotionally drifting apart from him more and more, and I don't know what to do.

So, long story...sorry...

For most of our years together, we've been happy, though a constant issue for most of it was the fact that he worked a lot, and I spent a lot of time on my own. Another issue was that he's never filed divorce papers from a woman he married while he was in the closet years before we got together, which on his part has been pure laziness for the most part, but an insult to me nonetheless.

About 3 to 4 years ago, it started to get worse. I was freelancing from home for a few years, and was on my own quite a bit. Then, my partner's car went kaput, and he started using mine to get to work. As much as I pleaded, he never made much effort to get another car. I started to get very heavy, lonely, isolated, trapped and depressed at home. I didn't have many friends. Then in the span of about 6 months, I had a health scare and started taking care of myself better. I bought a used car from a family member so I was mobile again. I started working out, lost weight, and looked and felt better in than I had in a long time. I started to just live life more for me. I made some new friends and started to get a social life again. My partner immediately started getting jealous and upset with me. Even though I constantly invited him to do things with me.

Things got even worse. The job that took up so much of his time fired him. He was unemployed for 6 months. I struggled to get enough work to support us. During this time we fought a lot, and I was feeling so miserable, overworked and lonely. I met someone else that I started to have feelings for. Then I did something I never thought I would ever do. I cheated on him. I fessed up pretty quickly and we separated for a few months, but still lived in the same house. I broke off ties with the other person grew feelings for. It was the worst time of my life. My guilt pushed me into a bad depression that I think I'm still battling. We argued constantly and he threatened suicide, and he even started punching holes in the wall, which really scared me.

A few months later, we sat down and decided to try to make things work again. We agreed we needed each other to survive financially. We both got new jobs, and started to rebuild our finances again. We caught up on our mortgage and have slowly been healing financially. We've also been working on the relationship. We've been in the healing aftermath of what I call the "year of hell" for over 18 months now.

As much as I'm trying to make things work again, I'm not feeling the closeness to him that I should be feeling. His new job has him home a lot more, but all he does is sleep on the couch. There's not much motivation from him to do a lot of things together, which had been an issue for a while. I'm back to taking care of most of the house and feeling lonely again. His sleep has taken the place of his overworking. He's continued to let himself go, in the opposite direction of me. He's put on very unhealthy amounts of weight. Ive tried to get him to eat better and exercise like I've learned to do, even do it with me as a couple, but it never happens. I've lost most desire to be intimate with him, though he still wants to all the time, well, when he's awake. Though I try to delay it often, I still have sex with him, but it feels increasingly uncomfortable. I feel like I have to do it to keep him from getting depressed, which he will get if I say no too much. And I feel like I have to keep trying to make it work, and cleanse my guilt of the year of hell. He's gotten more needy with me, constantly asking me if I love him via text and phone calls during the day. I constantly try to reassure him and try to say the right things or else he gets upset.

I do care about him. He really is a good person. Everyone likes him. He's very close with my family. I worry about his health and mental well being. I worry if he could really survive without me. I know he loves me very very much. And I think I do on some levels still. I'm just not sure where it's going now. I do my best to keep him happy now and keep things positive, whether I'm feeling it or not. We've been together for so long, own a home together, have two dogs together. I keep trying to convince myself that I should be happy with what I have. I have a home and someone who loves me and knows me better than most after all these years, and that I need to learn to just live with the rest. But can I? Should I? Should this be just enough?

[MikeW]

First of all, welcome to the forum…

The situation you describe is complex and feels "real". Whether or not there is an "easy answer" really depends on you, what you want, what you feel comfortable with. You're old enough to know, now, that life isn't always "perfect" -- we don't always get everything we want, or even most of it. Oh the other hand, we have to know what we want, what we're willing to compromise around and not, etc. Sometimes these things take time to figure out. Sometimes a bit of creativity is required -- and sometimes that isn't easy if you're feeling *stuck* inside old habits and routines.

So, I don't know. Maybe someone else will offer some profound insight. But, only hearing 1/2 of the story, it sounds to me like your partner is depressed, possibly low testosterone (perhaps both of you). What's it going to take to get any 'spark' of aliveness back in the relationship?

[Cuddly]

It sounds like you're doing all you can. Why aren't you working out together? Aren't you eating the same meals?
Why did you become a couple to start with? Try to find your way back to those feelings.

[jimcrackcorn]

There are bound to be some problems that crop up after being together for 16 years. You've both matured & changed,,, mistakes were made along the way,,, and now the relationship is different.

You most likely will not regain the respect, intimacy, and closeness that you once had for one another. This doesn't mean that all is lost and the relationship is unsalvageable,, it just means the two of you have been thru some hard times that have caused the relationship to stumble in a downward spiral..

You've experienced financial problems, cheating, health & weight problems, intimacy issues, jealousy, constant arguments,,, etc. None of these problems are uncommon amongst those who are in Long Term Relationships... How you deal with these issues and survive as a couple depends upon how willing the two of you are to make it thru the hard times. I congratulate you two on making it thru most of those problems with the exception of you no longer feeling sexual toward your partner and you don't like him being a couch potato while at home..

You've been with this man for 16 years, and the only thing you said bad about him is that he hasn't properly divorced his wife,,, he lost his job for 6 months,,,, he didn't spend enough time at home before he lost his job,,, now he spends to much time at home with his new job,,, and he has gained weight because he no longer does anything at home except lay on the couch.

This weight gain,,, for him,,, may be more difficult to change than it was for you. I'd imagine that after going thru a bad year where he had lost his job and was unemployed,, and his partner cheated on him,,, has caused some underlying issues that he has yet to work thru.

What you need is 'Couples Counseling' by a professional who can help both of you get back on track to a more satisfying relationship.

Best wishes,
Jim

[LJay]

Sorry, but there is no cereall for this. You have to work away at it with one step at a time. The counselor sounds reasonable. Insisting that he get the divorce also seems fair. In the meantime, I suggest that you both submit to the discipline of going on walks together for half an hour a day. No conversation required, but together and every day.

[edhued]

But can I? Should I? Should this be just enough?

Unfortunately I don't think you can do anything alone, it has to be a mutual decision to fix or help to regain what is left of this relationship. The question would be do you want to fix what's left? You have done it before, sat down and decided to try to make things work again, and it seems like you both have done it together. I think at this point, couple counseling will probably get you back on track.

[Rareboy]

Wow. This is so complicated.

The question is do you love him so much that you would sacrifice your own joy and happiness for the rest of your life?

[meridannight]

it appears to me that he already is depressed. that he is not ignorant and understands that you're having doubts about the relationship and loving/being with him.

sleeping that much is a symptom of depression. (it could be some other medical issue as well, but since other factors you mentioned about him strongly point to depression too, i'll go with that for now). the fact that he texts you to ask if you love him, the fact that he needs to initiate intimacy most times, and other such things give you away. you might think he doesn't know, but he knows. all of that is obviously getting him down, making him feel a need to initiate even more intimacy and get assurance from you that you love him and want to be with him.

he might realize that on some level it's over, and unless you convince him otherwise (read: make a serious effort to save the relationship; read: actually WANT TO be with him yourself!!) you're not gonna get him to move in a more healthy direction. all the rationalizing with him about sleeping too much and gaining weight or doing couples' stuff is not gonna remove the core issue lying underneath it all. which, from where i'm looking at it, is the fact that you don't, in fact, love him anymore. you said it yourself. not phrasing it directly, but it's all over your post there. and he understands it, and that's probably why he is the way he is.

so, i don't know what else to say. i think i spelled out the obvious here.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You both are unwell individuals, you both have psychological issues from the long haul of being together and dealing with major and minor stressors. Lose of job is a major one, especially in a world where society places huge importance on what you do as being who and what you are.

While you did take steps to improve your physical health, that was after you had a major scare. He did not try to change you, it took some other event to cause you to change self. Same thing will apply to him. You cannot change him, something need to happen to spark change in his life.

You two have his, mine and ours when it comes to problems/issues. You both need to address 'my' problems and 'our' problems. Meaning you and he most likely both need individual therapy in order to figure out what is owned by yourselves and what is owned by both of you as a couple.

And I hate to report this, but after all of these years, after all of these troubles, and this betrayal of trust you will not be able to turn back the hands of time and have what 'we' had in the past. You can, however, find out what 'we' has today and adapt to that. Of course that is a choice thing, you two may decide that enough is enough.

A major change like this should be done with an impartial third party, one who can ask you to ask yourselves the right questions to figure out what it is you both need and want. Need needs to take precedence. Perhaps the truth is you both no longer need each other and this relationship.

You both most likely have depression, and two people with depression tend to feed each other depression, causing both to sink lower and lower. Identifying what is part of depression and what it is doing to both of you goes a long way to working around it, coping, and even preventing it from tearing you two apart.

So again, therapy is most likely the best route to go to get answers and plot a solution.

[ck86]

Hi [MENTION=22201]bluepainter[/MENTION]

Welcome to the forum. I saw this question yesterday but wanted to wait and think over the answer to give a considered reply.

You said you have been together for 16 years which means if my maths is correct then you have been together since you were 22. You both would have changed a lot since then and now which means that priorities change and people's personalities and maturities change too. Usually couples adapt to this but if they don't they end up breaking up. One may change more than the other which can lead to problems.

There maybe underlying health issues which might or might not be contributing to the issues like depression or low self esteem. It might be worth exploring this sooner rather than later as treatments take time to work and you don't want to drag this out anymore as will only make things more frustrating for you. Exercise will help low mood and also get him fitter which will help you both.

As I keep saying over and over on here and also to people in person. Communication is important. Does he know how much everything is bothering you? If he isn't aware he can't change and you will just get fed up. He sounds like you have previously talked things over again but it might be worth doing it again if things have slipped on the way by. If talking to him with just to two of you isn't helping or he is closing up it might be worth considering a counsellor?

Ultimately. If you decided that you want to try to make this work then put in the effort. You have been together for a long time. It doesn't sound like you want to throw it all away.

Hope it works out and keep us informed.

Good luck.