Ok. I am asking for advice on this because God apparently skipped me when it came to patience. As many of you know I have been having health problems for the past few years, and due to these problems I no longer have much of a social life. So, when a friend of a friend on facebook asked if I would like to be pen-pals, I said "why not". He is a MUCH older gentleman, who I had gotten the impression, was a little lonely. I missed visiting with people, and I have always enjoyed hearing stories from older gay people, and it was just a 3 or 4 paragraph letter a day. No sweat, right?
That was 2 weeks ago. For the past 3 days his letters have been....disturbing. He seems to think that he "Loves" me, and that I am in need of better medical treatment than I am already receiving.
I have NO IDEA what would lead him to believe either, and I told him so. After I sent the last letter, I laid down to take a nap, but right after I fell asleep my husband woke me. He said that someone (I won't say his name, but it is this guy) called our home phone 4(!) times demanding to talk to me!
I am not, by nature, a subtle person. I am a mean goddamned bitch, always have been. I know that I am obviously not dealing with this properly or he wouldn't have called my freaking house.
So please, someone who knows how to deal with crap like this tell me what to do to make him go away with the least amount of drama. To Be Clear: I don't want him to go out and kill himself; if anything I feel sorry for him, but I can't deal with this BS.
Thanks in advance,
~Beaux
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Beaux Wrote:He seems to think that he "Loves" me, and that I am in need of better medical treatment than I am already receiving.
I have NO IDEA what would lead him to believe either, and I told him so. Hmm… Well… There are some pieces missing in this puzzle but I get the impression the gentleman isn't respecting your boundaries. You can probably say something to the effect, "I'm feeling uncomfortable with this situation. I appreciate your interest and concern, but I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. So far as any romantic feelings, I'm in a monogamous relationship."
If that doesn't do it, you're going to have to get more stern.
I don't know about other "elderly gentlemen" but, speaking as one of them, if we're out of bounds, it really is OK to tell us so in no uncertain terms. Yeah, it can shock us but, damn it, if we're being disrespectful of someone's feelings and or boundaries, maybe that's what we need hear!
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 MikeW Wrote:Hmm… Well… There are some pieces missing in this puzzle but I get the impression the gentleman isn't respecting your boundaries. You can probably say something to the effect, "I'm feeling uncomfortable with this situation. I appreciate your interest and concern, but I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. So far as any romantic feelings, I'm in a monogamous relationship."
If that doesn't do it, you're going to have to get more stern.
I don't know about other "elderly gentlemen" but, speaking as one of them, if we're out of bounds, it really is OK to tell us so in no uncertain terms. Yeah, it can shock us but, damn it, if we're being disrespectful of someone's feelings and or boundaries, maybe that's what we need hear!
Thanks Mike,
Yesterday, I sat down with my husband and let him read our correspondence. He agreed that I had given him absolutely NO reason to think I wanted anything more than a pen-pal, nor any reason to think I was in anyway unhappy with my current medical treatment. With my husband's help, we wrote him a polite, but short and direct letter telling him just that.
I can't help but feel as though this guy is experiencing some emotional hurdles in his life. Why else would a grown man act this way? I don't want to be mean or to cause hurt to him (or anyone for that matter). However, I just don't have the energy for this kind of drama.
I will try to write him another, even more direct letter and do as you suggested--I will just straight up tell him that I feel like he is intruding on my boundries.
Thanks again,
~Beaux
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Beaux Wrote:don't want to be mean or to cause hurt to him (or anyone for that matter). However, I just don't have the energy for this kind of drama.
I will try to write him another, even more direct letter and do as you suggested--I will just straight up tell him that I feel like he is intruding on my boundries. I hear you. It always sucks when we have to tell someone, especially someone who *OUGHT* to know better, to back the fuck off. It's draining and especially so when you're already dealing with health issues.
I don't know about this guy but I *do* know from experience *some* gay guys don't have very good "reality detectors." Either because they're lonely or desperate or just socially inept or both or all three, they miss boundary cues that would be obvious to most folk.
It sucks that you have to set him straight. 
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Is he really lonely or is that what he uses to suck people in? Or! Is he so lonely because he's like this to everyone and chases them all away?
If he thinks he has feelings for you, I don't see this getting better.
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Borg69 Wrote:Is he really lonely or is that what he uses to suck people in? Or! Is he so lonely because he's like this to everyone and chases them all away?
If he thinks he has feelings for you, I don't see this getting better. Yeah, exactly.
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I suspect that the reason is that he is lonely may be that he becomes controlling and intrusive in his friends and acquaintances affairs.
Hopefully kind but stern will work and he'll back off.
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Beaux, good advice here. I hope this bad experience doesn't sour you on reaching out to others as you have done here. Are you still willing to talk to him if he shapes up?
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I'm going to be keeping up with this thread so I can get some advice about this before I may need it. I >>may<< be close to having a problem like this with a guy I've known for years who has just moved to my town and is right up the road from me... a nosey nosey nosey guy.... I usually get texts from him on his way to work and on his way home about extra cars or missing cars from our driveway... like it's something I need to account for to anyone.
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Virge, isn't that normal behavior in South Dakota? 
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