Marriage advice

[amn1995]

Thank you, for all your feedback guys. Jumping straight to the point, I have talked to him about this, and I always get to hear this, "if you want to spend the rest of your life with me, why not get married?", and then I come up with all the valid reason why we shouldn't. Then he's all like you're great with me and I love you so what's the problem, WE have a tonne of money so no issues regarding that (he is very well off), you can still do all what you want to in life, but with ME, "don't you want that, honey?" and yada yada. I run out of reasons and then sleep, end of story. This has happened a lot this month, ever since the question came up again. And now there is the pressure to come up with a date and venue. I just don't want to fail myself and definitely not him. Maybe when the thought of marriage has settled in a few weeks, I'll be fine I guess (hope so)!

Well, he took me by surprise too, he used to play rugby with his friends and I tennis in nearby fields, that's how we met, because some of my friends were "bros" with the older rugby guys. According to him, my personality really held his gaze (stood out to him), and I was almost 17 when we first went out. I met him when I was almost turning 16, still 15!

[Rareboy]

I just don't know.

My fear is that the two of you may start to grow apart as you go through school and develop a different circle of friends. Unless you passionately and absolutely want to have kids around when you are trying to complete your studies without leaving all the parenting to him.....hmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm not thrilled that your infatuation started at 15 and that he was involved with a woman at the time, but I understand that at 15, I might have crushed the same way..in fact I did. But I didn't then hook up with the guy at 17 and live with him for 2 years either.

I'm good with the age difference to a point as well....there was a 9 year difference between me and my first LTR and a 7 year difference between me and my current partner of the last 34 years. But I can also then tell you what happened while I was in university with an older partner....we just simply grew apart because as I matured into my university years and had so many daily experiences that were just frankly unshareable and because I opted to study abroad for a year....it just didn't work out.

I think you have to look to your head and your heart for this. If you are willing to accept all the risks because you literally can't imagine life without the guy...then jump in feet first. But you don't get to ever come back and say that you weren't counseled about what might possible happen.

[East]

Hmmmm.......

Lots of good advice here...so I am going to make a few points to add to it so you can consider them...

As marriage equality becomes mainstream...we will all soon know the "other side" of equality...the one many straight people are well aware of....

...and one of those things...divorce...and a very specific type of divorce. Your age is the warning flag. Many women know this all too well. They marry young...and then they grow a little older and they are traded in for a new younger model BECAUSE they grew old...or less "moldable" ...which leads me to my second point....

The moldable part...it sounds like you might have yourself a svengali situation there.... which isn't all that bad necessarily. It is nice to have a mentor....but everything comes with a price. Remember that...because when it comes time to pay...you will at least have been warned. "Paying"might be him using it as a bargaining tool every time you have a problem to make you feel guilty...or it could be worse....much worse

Having said that...in the end....for better or worse....we all make mistakes and we all take chances so the final decision is yours. The problem is...when you are very young...you have no way of knowing what pitfalls can and do happen so asking for advice as you have will at least maybe prepare you...and give you things to consider...

Good luck!

[Lexington]

I probably should clarify a bit. As far as the relationship goes, I think you've been together for a couple years, you both know each other, and you're both on fairly solid footing. So I have no qualms there.

The main red flags I see are these two:

"...[I] worry if I don't come up with a definite yes (i.e a wedding date), I might hurt his feelings and possibly even lose him..."

This suggests that you feel there's at least a chance that your guy is more interested in the ring than in the groom. In short, he'll think "well, if you won't agree to marry me right away, I'll go find somebody else who will". I can't imagine that's truly the case, though - why would he stick by you for two years if it was? But still, that's a fear that you probably should get put to bed.

...he wants kids which I also want, just not that early I suppose even though I'm great with babies.

Adding a child to the mix is going to complicate the relationship something fierce. You become a couple that can never truly separate, as you (presumably) will both have vested interest in this child's life. And being "great with babies" is fine as far as it goes, but having your own is...well, I was going to say "a full-time job", but it's actually three full-time jobs. It's a 24/7 thing at all times, something you can't walk away from or ignore even for a short period of time. You might be aware of that on some level, but think back on your last month or so. And imagine every single moment being spent dealing with a baby on some level - not just "oh, I couldn't go on that weekend trip" but "I couldn't meet my friend for lunch" and "I had to rearrange my work schedule so one of us could always be home with the baby" and "I haven't had more than three straight hours of sleep". Because that IS the hard fact of parenthood.

Lex

[Rareboy]

^ "...[I] worry if I don't come up with a definite yes (i.e a wedding date), I might hurt his feelings and possibly even lose him..."

Probably if there was one line that worried me more than anything else...it is this. It implies that everything is not unconditional. If you love someone, you can be together for ever. My partner and I have. After 34 years we don't feel a need to actually be formally married...our time together is testament enough to our forbearance. At the end of the day..it really shouldn't matter a bit whether there is a ring on it or not.

If this is just about his biological clock and the need for children........and he is just looking for a legal partner to improve the chances for adoption....then this is not going to work.

I'm also really bothered by the OP's statement that he is good with babies. This reminds me of a child who thinks that the dog will remain a puppy and the cat will always be a kitten. I don't get the sense the OP understands that after the baby stage...there is another 16+ years of child rearing.

To be blunt, I really don't give a fuck how the two of you live/mess up your own lives. But I do think that you both need to understand that the children's lives come ahead of yours in this scenario. Don't fuck theirs up.

[Bhp91126]

Congrats for being in an LTR at your young age already. Seems as if everything is going well in the relationship. These are the things I'd think about if I were in your shoes:
Why exactly does he want to marry you?
Has he given you any reasons?
What would change in the relationship after "I do"?
Do YOU want to get married?
If yes, why?

[Camfer]

I prescribe a six-year engagement and couples therapy.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Since you are only 18 I cannot possibly tell you exactly why this is a terrible mistake and why its not going to end well. You either will not believe me or you will tell me to shut up old man and go and do your own thing.

However, based on what I have seen written by you I can tell you this isn't going to end well.