When a relationship ends

[Solo]

So my relationship of 5 years has recently ended as I discovered that he was often on grindr and the likes and had recently hooked up on a couple of occasions. It was all apparently so romantic, toilets at some guys workplace - aint it sweet?!

Anyway, as soon as it was finished between us he then began to spend every spare moment on grindr, gaydar etc - I know this because we have to share a home for a couple of weeks and he isnt too shy at hiding it now. When I think of previous relationships that have ended, it always seems that immediately the ex gets themselves onto grindr - why is that? Do people just not have any respect any more?

Maybe I am the abnormal person here because I am not interested in looking for anything else at the moment, not even a grindr special. Doesnt mean I will not look there sometime in the future, and doesnt mean I am hung up on my ex because I am not - but I am really annoyed that it seems to be a case of oh this is over, next! And by the way, I am talking about him getting straight on to grindr and other sites within 5 minutes of the conversation calling an end to our relationship.

Well thats my moan, if you made it through to the end well done

[Semaj]

Your still hung up on him simply because you care about him getting straight onto Grindr. Some people move on quicker than others and aren't whole heart in a relationship which is why he moved on so quickly. No offence.

[Solo]

No, not hung up on him at all - I have had plenty of time to get used to the idea of being without him and the last indiscretion was the tipping point.

I can expect him to be respectful, however know its unlikely given the character he has shown in the dying weeks of the relationship. I feel sad for him that now his entire focus is on random unsafe sex, and feel really hacked off that over the 4 years he has done the same putting me at risk along the way.

[Semaj]

Well that's different then.

It sounds like he's trying to bring you down to his level and make you jealous. Don't be. People like that are worthless and you don't need that. It's easier said but go out sometime and have fun, doesn't need to be what he's doing, just have fun.

[Nanaki]

I understand how you feel. If I were in your place, a large part of me would find his activities with Grindr etc. disrespectful. I mean, I guess technically, the relationship is over so he can do what he wants, but I kinda think he could not rub it in your face so much.

You mentioned you and he have to share a place for a couple more weeks. Once the two of you no longer live together, I think things will start to get better for you. Maybe the best thing to do is just keep the peace as best you can for now and count the days until one of you moves. Hope they go by fast.

[Rareboy]

I get the feeling that your relationship together ended some time ago...it was just a case where you both put off driving a spike through the heart.

Don't look over your shoulder. Just get on with your life and let him get on with his. Being upset about him going right to Grindr will serve no purpose at all.

[princealbertofb]

Solo, are you complaining, trying to get it out of your system, or looking for answers? Or all three? Are you trying to understand, or are you just realising that you're feeling betrayed and unprotected, and maybe sorry for yourself for letting him fool you (loss of innocence)? Probably all of these. Now you need to forgive yourself for being naive, it's the ransom of youth, I guess, and forgive him for not being able to commit himself to your relationship.

Did you both have an understanding that the relationship was monogamous? Did you ever discuss it, or did you (both?) take it for granted?
I suppose it's neither your fault, nor his that the relationship no longer seemed to fit what he wanted out of life. Did the relationship actually fit your needs? At some point there must have been a disconnect. I wouldn't even try to apportion blame, as it's rather a futile exercise. I just hope that he didn't leave a legacy that will eventually hurt you more.

If anything, this break up will make you a little wiser and a little more discerning about the next relationship you embark upon.

In the meantime, you're allowed to feel hurt, and bruised and you're entitled to mourn the loss of something you thought would last and be good. Some people get over the mourning more quickly than others. But before you start mourning, you have to realise that something is dead. It looks as if your ex boyfriend felt the relationship was dead some time ago, but he didn't have the courage to confront you about it. That's where the pity lies.

I don't mean to sound unsupportive, but I think you'll have to chalk this one up to experience.

[Hardheaded1]

Whoring is unseemly.

[princealbertofb]

I understand how you feel. If I were in your place, a large part of me would find his activities with Grindr etc. disrespectful. I mean, I guess technically, the relationship is over so he can do what he wants, but I kinda think he could not rub it in your face so much.

You mentioned you and he have to share a place for a couple more weeks. Once the two of you no longer live together, I think things will start to get better for you. Maybe the best thing to do is just keep the peace as best you can for now and count the days until one of you moves. Hope they go by fast.

The thing is, Nanaki, that in general, every free person, especially an adult, can always do exactly what they want and how they want it. The only limit being the ways and means to implement these actions. You can never make someone who believes in freedom do anything they don't want to do, if they have their own mind. We don't know what the commitment, or promises or rules that had been established in Solo's couple were, so maybe the ex always thought he could do exactly as he pleased. It's a shame he doesn't have a heart sufficiently well made to see the hurt he would cause, and it's a shame he didn't have the balls to talk about it. What he wanted was casual sex? Or more sex? It doesn't look like he's looking for a new relationship for the moment, does it? Unless you keep your partner under lock and key, it is rather pointless to think that you can control his or her life. That's why it's important to work on the things you can come to an agreement on, be it a moral or written contract.

[Borg69]

I think the part that hurts most is realizing that they didn't ever care/love/respect as much as we did/do, and feel like we wasted our time on someone so undeserving... was used.