When a relationship ends

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My ex of 14.5 years did similar, however we ended - nay I ended the relationship because I discovered he was whoring around with tens of men each for only the last 12 years of our relationship.

He and remained under the same roof for the next two years (financial reasons, he couldn't hold down a job and move out of my place).

And once he was 'free' to do whatever he went a little crazy with the random sex thing, using every app and site out there.

In his case I pinned it down to sex addiction. When he and I met we were relatively both new to recovery from drug and alcohol use. His 'tweak of choice' was sex (tweak is what one does while high on speed). For years I though that the drug addiction lead to the sex addiction. I was wrong, for him it was his sex addiction that lead to drug addiction.

He ultimately ended up repeating the transition from sex addict to drug addict when I left Christmas.

Seems to me your ex is similar to my ex, but 20 some odd years younger.

Not all relationships that end have one or both parties go sex crazy. However usually when there is a cheater involved, that cheater ends up going a wee bit 'cray-cray' with the sex hunt. This is only them following their true pattern of behaviors.

No he is not doing this to hurt you. While it does hurt and it affects you because you are still emotionally attached, he isn't emotionally attached to you and isn't doing all of this sex stuff to get back at you, he is doing it because sex is his thing and he is following it.

Much like an alcoholic will spend more time at bars, or a drug addict will chase their drug of choice and use more often once any barriers between them and their addiction evaporates.

You were a barrier between him and sex, now you are no longer there, he is going to go over the top for a while until he finds his own level. Or until his addiction becomes unmanageable and his life spirals out of control.

In time you will stop caring so much and it won't bother you. It may bother you that you allowed yourself to get involved with 'that type' - however love is blind, foolish, crazy and allows the best of us to fail to see the dangerous patterns and bad romances before we go through them. Its the nature of the disease we call love.

[NayNay]

The last few relationships I had ended up the same way. A few days after they broke up with me, whether we were in a 4 year relationship or 3 month relationship, they were on Jack'd, Grindr etc...

The truth is they were probably moved on long before making the decision to tell me that the relationship was over. They already moved on with the idea of not living with you in it. I still find it disrespectful. I know people are different, but when your done a relationship there is a time where one needs to reflect and keep time for themselves in order to grow. All they are going to do is replace you with someone else on these apps and won't leave any space to grow themselves. This is my own opinion.

Also, my own opinion, in the gay community I find sometimes there is a lot of pressure to be a slut. It seems like the cool thing to do. Maybe I was hanging out with the wrong people (I don't hang out with them anymore) but one of my friends used to say having sex with another gay guy was just a way to get the tension out of the way and then become friends. So sometimes I feel when someone breaks out of a relationship they feel this pressure to be like all the other single guys, like they've been 'missing out' on something.

People need to stick to their values and morals more, before they go on self destructive paths... but such is life.

Just know that he is not doing out of disrespect for you, he is actually doing it out of disrespect for himself.

[meridannight]

from what you describe, it seems he wasn't ready for a monogamous committed relationship in the first place.

[MikeW]

Welcome to the forum. I get it, you're feeling hurt and pissed off. Betrayal sucks. That he's being a total dick about it doesn't help. It's like this total disappointment, the realization that someone you cared about doesn't care about you. It hurts, it's aggravating, and it takes some time to get beyond it.

You will though. Hang out with us and feel free to vent as much as you need.

[Solo]

The relationship was supposed to be monogamous, well at least we discussed it right at the start and both apparently wanted that. Its only in the last week or so when I discovered his recent antics that I also found that pretty much throughout the relationship he has been either looking to meet guys (without any luck) or actually meeting guys.

Its completely frustrating, to put it in mild words, however I am sensible enough to know that the person with issues here is him and not me. I am disgusted that he would do this unsafely and put me at risk, but hopefully I am worrying needlessly.

I dont see anything wrong with casual random sex, have indulged in it myself at times, but it shouldnt be something done in a relationship and for respect to a partner it should always be safe. But hey, its just another life lesson.

The thing I do have control of is what I do from this point, and I am sure I will continue life as happy as I can be, but with a little less trust.

[JackTX]

I think freshly-single guys get on Grindr because that's how a lot of single gay guys meet others these days. Everyone knows about it, talks about it, and everyone has a smart phone. All these guys are... RIGHT THERE.

Anyway, good luck moving forward :/

[Darius]

I agree completely with Rareboy. The ex found it easy to right back to grindr 5 minutes after the talk because he had already emotionally moved on. You've been broken up for some time, in his mind.

Solo, you sound like you are handling this in a healthy way and just needing to rant a bit. Like you say, you will be healthy and happy no matter what he does. Sorry for all you have had to go through, however.

[Bricg1970]

In my opinion a person that goes after Grindr in minutes after the end of the relationship is completely avoiding the grief, emotional pain and frustration of dealing with the broke up.
It may true the relationship may have finish long before but it's confronting it what makes it difficult and Grindr just give you the rush to put the mind in some place else .

[East]

The best way to get out of a relationship successfully and move on with zero baggage is to look hard at the relationship you had and find the role you played (Never a victim...mind you)...and own it. It takes away all the power he has...and frees you to move on...

He obviously wants to hurt you...take away his ability to do that by owning something that contributed to this....

For instance...when my ex did a very shitty and very public thing with another guy (sex with my hated coworker...on the bar in front of a cheering crowd just before I went to work that night)...I could have easily been the victim.... and I was the victim of his abuse for a few years BUT...INSTEAD...I told myself that I saw all the signs and ignored them so I got what I asked for. That was the truth...and it WILL set you free.

It was

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Freeing...like a drug almost.....

It was the single BEST thing I ever did for myself in my entire life

So...take some kind of responsibility for what happened...it works....and it will save you from adopting the role of the victim...self pity can and will kill you....and if it doesn't...it will seriously diminish the quality of your life.

[princealbertofb]

I think freshly-single guys get on Grindr because that's how a lot of single gay guys meet others these days. Everyone knows about it, talks about it, and everyone has a smart phone. All these guys are... RIGHT THERE.

Anyway, good luck moving forward :/

I suppose for the younger generations it's the new "word of mouth"... also known as the grapevine.