Serious trust issues

[stephen87]

Hi all. Just need to share with you all something big going on for me. I have been dating a guy since October. Things were great right from the start. Although I knew he continued using apps such as scruff and grindr.

We were not official at the end of Dec but we were acting as a couple and we had told each other we were not interested in anyone else. He continued to use scruff. My trust started going down when he was showing me pictures on his phone one night and turned the screen away hiding something. After this when I knew he was in London I downloaded scruff put in the location he was staying in and there he was online even though i had told him so many times i was not happy with him using it. He always said he nmever had time to use it or delete it and he didn't know how to delete it. This resulted in 3 sleepless nights for me at the start of my Christmas holidays until eventually I had to show him through screen grabs how to delete his scruff profile. He told me he did not have sex with ayone while in London, this I believed for a while but not sure of anymore.

We decided to become official just before the new year. Since then things were ok although I felt he was still being very suspicious. I predicted he was still writing to guys just not on the apps. Turns out I was correct.

I visited him in Italy where he was supporting his Dad who just had his vocal chords removed. I borrowed off friends as I am unemployed to make it there to support him. I noticed messages from someone who I did not hear him speak about before. I checked his phone there was whatsapp threads deleted from just a week or two ago. This was very suspicious behaviour I thought. I pulled him up on it but he denied everything and would not answer who these people were. We stupidly made up until a few days later. I told him we needed a break and we discussed the issue of people he once sent pictures to writing to him. I explained I want these people out of his life. He told me it would end.

On valentines day he had a whatsapp message from 'Gary London' I enquired about this he said look its nothing. Upon looking I realised he had deleted a lot of the conversation. Turns out Gary sent him a topless picture and god knows what other pictures. My bf is denying he sent anything back. We fought and made up. That night at my place I did not sleep a wink and looked through his whatsapp messages. He has been writing to guys looking for and possibly getting hook ups in December. This is when I had given him xmas presents and we were pretty solid. Or so I thought anyway. The next day i pulled him up on it. He breaks down and says I am the most important person for him. Starts promising me things will change. He told me he has wiped all contacts. We are now on a break and will be until I am ready to discuss things with him.

The only reason I have put up with this for so long is because I feel he is a special guy and love being with him. I am just so unsure about what to do and hope the break will clear my head and help me make the right decision. He is a 37 year old guy who has had no previous relationship experience. I am 27 and have had a few serious relationships. Thank you for reading.... Feeling lost and confused

[Borg69]

It sounds like it's pretty clear he either has no intention of quitting, or is so addicted that he cannot quit.

Monogamy is a CHOICE... and he's choosing NOT to be.

I'm sure you've heard the term, "He wants his cake and eat it too" ? Seems like he wants the stability of a relationship, AND to play around. Maybe you're just a place holder until he finds something better.

Look... we can't always choose whom we fall in love with... but some of those guys aren't in our best interests no matter how much we love them. They're not going to change, nor are they ever going to love and respect you back as much as you deserve.

I think you should stand your ground and walk away from this one. Respect yourself more than he's respecting you and demand better for yourself. You deserve better than this guy is willing, or able to give you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Apparently there is more than one definition of monogamy - yes I know, its hard to believe but consider the following:

Computers are everywhere, most kids grew up with one on the desk and instant access to everything, you all most likely consider the people on the computer as real as the characters on the TV set. its not the same as face to face, body to body interaction, its pixels and electrons and the dark magicks of Technomancy - its not real.

"Its nothing" most likely is what it feels like to him. He is seeing pictures and reading words but he is not actually face to face with these guys, thus doesn't see them as real people.

Cheating is hard to define now days. Is porn cheating? Is flirting cheating? Are you cheating by talking about sex and sexuality to a lot of strangers here on Gayspeak?

Some would say yes, others would say no, some would draw different answers for each question.

Perhaps he defines cheating as a specific physical act - looking at pictures, talking to some random voice on a machine isn't really cheating. IF so, then you two are going to have to redefine your definition of cheating from both sides and reach a middle ground.

My Grandmother told my Grandfather 'I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.' Now Grandpa was a dirty old man, always rubber necking at the pretty things walking down the street. He was allowed to look, but not touch.

Perhaps your BF needs to be allowed to look, but no touch? Can you live with that, can you trust him enough to get his appetite where ever he can as long as he eats at home?

[MikeW]

Hi all. Just need to share with you all something big going on for me. ...

I don't see this as having so much to do with "trust" (exactly) as differing expectations of what a relationship entails. I'm not currently in a relationship but, if I were to find myself in one, I wouldn't want to stop corresponding and interacting with gay friends I've met online… any more than I'd do that with friends IRL. Clearly, his behavior is outside your comfort zone, and as I see it that is the issue. You are couching it as "trust" in your own mind… which is fear of what, exactly? That he'll become more interested in someone else? This may be something you both need to discuss openly and without any judgement of the other… rather, some attempt to *understand* where each is coming from, what you both want from one another. If you can't find some understanding of middle ground, this relationship isn't likely to work out.

[stephen87]

The face is that I made it clear so many times about him texting guys who he had either previously met or not met but had their contact details still. I told him how unhappy it made me. He said he would stop when I first suggested a break. He did not stop. He broke my trust, he let me down. He carried on with guys sending and reciving pictured(in his eyes it might be innocent but I mad it clear I was not happy with it.) Well I have decided to finish this. I feel we had something great so I am heartbroken. But I deserve better.

I seen a message on his phone from Dec 19th. This day i was at home with my family for my nieces birthday. He called in 'sick' to work he told me. Funny he was not sick enough to look for sex with several guys via whatsapp. This was after we had already told each other we had no interest in other guys. And there is me worrying for him being sick wishing him a speedy recovery before he flies to London.

So it is quite clear he is saying one thing but doing another. Blatantly lying to me.

I deserve so much better. I am dropping that trash bag. I can barely think about him without feeling sick in my stomach. I invested so much in this guy. I am pretty sad. We love each other. He did not honour my wishes. If this did not happen he would still happily be behind my back sending pics and deleting everything cause he knows I do not approve. For someone who always talks about how honest and sincere is he is so far away from that its the biggest joke I have ever heard.

Thank you for all your replies

[Rareboy]

^ Well this saves me a real tough love reply to your OP.

Good riddance to him.

Next time, don't let yourself be treated like this. Seriously.

[stephen87]

ps he arrived on my door step yesterday evening. I heard the bell ring I secretly hoped it was him. I could not look at him though I started to cry he tried to come in and hug me but I shouted a bit at him which I feel bad for but I did not want any hugs with him. I told him I need soace. inside a bag he had hanging on the door know was some tulips, a group picture he printed of us from new years eve, and a note saying how much he misses me.

[stephen87]

^ Well this saves me a real tough love reply to your OP.

Good riddance to him.

Next time, don't let yourself be treated like this. Seriously.

I know. He just had this way of brushing things of and telling me how I mean everything to him and that made it ok. But he has gone too far again. He has not respected my wishes. How dare he. I deserve so much more from a man. Its funny I thought I was getting it all with him but clearly not

[Lexington]

You possibly do mean more to him than any of the other guys...but that doesn't mean he's going to be exclusive to you. He's made it clear that if you're with him, he's not going to be exclusive. So assume anything he promises you comes with that caveat. I think you've made the right choice.

Lex

[stephen87]

You possibly do mean more to him than any of the other guys...but that doesn't mean he's going to be exclusive to you. He's made it clear that if you're with him, he's not going to be exclusive. So assume anything he promises you comes with that caveat. I think you've made the right choice.

Lex

I have made a choice but my mind keeps on changing. There's a part of me that wants it to work.


I told him Sunday about our break. Monday he wrote to my friend on fbook asking was I ok. Tuesday he arrived at my door with flowers a letter and the picture of of. Yesterday he starts to whatsapp me saying every day is like a week without me and all this. I told him I did not wanna hear it and he started telling me he never kissed anyone since we met or had sex with anyone. He said he met one guy but nothing happened. How can i believe this when I have seen the desperate attempts he made to hook up when he was 'sick' from work. How can I believe a word he says anymore. I blocked him on whatsapp cause I need a break at this point he is starting to annoy me although its nice he is pursuing me its also not respecting my wishes