How to know if people are interested?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Like [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION] says, yeah? People rarely stick around long for "pity talk". They're looking for an exit, and you'll be able to see them looking by the distancing and distraction involved.

Honest, true disinsterest is hard to miss, and that is true whether the interaction is in person or online (there are exceptions, of course, as some people just can't read others "bodylanguage" through the subtleties of text...... It's already been well established Meridian is one of these people along with a few others).

I agree with [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] as well, yeah? I would say perhaps focus less on if they are interested and more on making sure there is a good "give and take" to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Reading your questions, and the fact that you posted anonymously, I feel like what we need to be talking about is your self doubt, lack of self worth, low self esteem. I think that you doubt yourself to the point that a guy could be sporting wood, breathing heavy and salivating over you and you'd be thinking, He just feels sorry for me...it would just be a pity fuck...

The issue is not how to know if someone is genuinely interested in talking to you, but instead how to BELIEVE that they are.

I don't know you or what experiences have led you to this point. And to be honest, I feel a little out of my depth here. If you're willing to post more about your life, your circumstances and the things that have caused you to feel this way, maybe some of us could help you figure out what you need to do.

Please continue to post about this. I think that this initial post was a huge and scary leap for you, don't retreat now.

Yup, you are right. I don't know how you found out that I have low-self esteem and lack of self worth and also self doubt.

I have tried to talk to people (in school or work settings). Usually by saying hi and beginning small talk. But the conversation is mostly me initiating the talking and them replying and put a full stop. And it also ends with me saying bye to them first. They will never say bye to me when they leave. If I never talk to them, they will conveniently ignore me. I feel it will be nice if they also initiate the chat first at some times. It will be a two-way conversation.

It makes me feel like I am a lousy person to talk to. And also it makes me apprehensive to approach other people in the future.

I have faced situations where I have said hello to people and they just say hello and move away from me or turn their face way before I could start chatting with them. There were also some people who will be looking elsewhere (and not looking at me) when talking.

I somehow get the feeling that I am disliked and not preferred by people to be friends with or to be talked to. I mean if my presence makes other people unhappy, I'm more than happy to be myself. But I am also a normal human being and desire interactions with others. I'm not an animal or a plant.

But if people need help, they will just come and ask me. I helped them, and after that they ignored me as usual again.

Having troubles making friends, I don't think its right for me to go for dates yet. (And I have not yet.)

But I won't give up. Some have said that I am a helpful and pleasant person.
And I'm sure there will be some people who will be happy to socialize with me by being attracted to those positive traits.

[Virge]

I had trouble telling when people were interested in me until I figured out when they stuck their tongue in my ear they weren't trying to clean it out for me and when they pull down my pants in supermarket checkouts they aren't trying to see what I shoplifted and hid in my foreskin.

[Anonymous]

Observe body language: Are they making eye contact?

Why do you think someone would converse with you "out of pity"?

About eye contact, sometimes people stare at me while talking to me. And it makes me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious that maybe I was feeling weird or having a awkward posture.

About pity, sometimes I feel maybe the other person might find it rude to not talk to me thats why they are forcing themselves to have a conversation out of pity. Maybe this is a wrong thought that I am having.

[Anonymous]

I would like to thank all the members for providing their suggestions. Really appreciate your posts.

[MikeW]

Well, I don't know exactly what the problem is here but clearly you have a lot of social anxiety and feel socially awkward.

I've seen this kind of statement from a lot of gay men, especially younger gay men, in forums. Of course it varies with each individual but the point is, it isn't that uncommon.

The first thing I'd like to suggest is that you continue to hang out here with us. For sure it isn't the same thing as having real life friends, but I think something can be gained from it by some people, and you may be one of them.

Social anxiety issues are often quite complex because they are so tied up with our own self-image, identity and self-worth. I grew up an extremely bright child in a very dysfunctional family. My dad in particular really did a number on me, repeatedly telling me from a young age that I would never amount to anything. From his perspective, nothing I ever did was "good enough." This coming from a man who had very little education himself. It took me a LONG time to work through all that.

The point I'm making is that sometimes the roots of social awkwardness and anxiety go way back. It gets really complicated too because, on one hand, I may actually *be* awkward in some way and other people may be reacting to that. But, the loopy side of it is, the "awkwardness" may be stemming from something inside of me, something that, if I felt and thought differently about myself, simply wouldn't be that big an issue.

If you felt confident, would it matter if other people liked you or not? Of course it "matters" to some extent, we all like recognition, socializing, a sense that we can connect and share with others. But, on the other hand, if our whole sense of "self-worth" is tied up with how OTHER people see us we're apt to feel needy, possibly even desperate, for positive attention. This often has the effect of other people not feeling comfortable with us because, when you get right down to it, we're not comfortable with ourselves.

Does that make sense?

Hang with us. Come out from under your paper sack. Let us know who you are. Tell us about yourself, what is your culture like, what are your current life circumstances. The more we know about who you are as a person, the more we may be able to help you with this problem.

There are no guarantees, though. You may very well need counseling or therapy. I sure did and I know I'm not the only one on this forum who benefited from those services. Sometimes it just takes time and a willingness to learn, grow and change.

[Pyromancer]

[quote=Anonymous]Yup, you are right. I don't know how you found out that I have low-self esteem and lack of self worth and also self doubt.

I have tried to talk to people (in school or work settings). Usually by saying hi and beginning small talk. But the conversation is mostly me initiating the talking and them replying and put a full stop. And it also ends with me saying bye to them first. They will never say bye to me when they leave. If I never talk to them, they will conveniently ignore me. I feel it will be nice if they also initiate the chat first at some times. It will be a two-way conversation.

It makes me feel like I am a lousy person to talk to. And also it makes me apprehensive to approach other people in the future.

I have faced situations where I have said hello to people and they just say hello and move away from me or turn their face way before I could start chatting with them. There were also some people who will be looking elsewhere (and not looking at me) when talking.

I somehow get the feeling that I am disliked and not preferred by people to be friends with or to be talked to. I mean if my presence makes other people unhappy, I'm more than happy to be myself. But I am also a normal human being and desire interactions with others. I'm not an animal or a plant.

But if people need help, they will just come and ask me. I helped them, and after that they ignored me as usual again.

Having troubles making friends, I don't think its righ

Sorry, I meant to quote only a part of your post but screwed it up and can't make it go away, so bear with me.

I "found out" because I listened to what you didn't say as well as what you said.

I think that the only way top overcome the social anxiety is to replace all these negative experiences with positive ones, until you have that "Hey! I can do this!" aha moment. In general terms, the best way to keep someone interested and talking is to focus on them. We all love to talk about ourselves. Which means that you have to be observant. Asking someone how the heat wave is affecting her dog is going to get you a lot further that a generic "Hot enough for you?" This mean that instead of focusing on yourself, you had to have focused on her and noticed all the doggy pcs on her desk. dUMB EXAMPLE, BUT YOU GET THE GIST.

You need to practice. My suggestion would be to start online, it's less anxiety provoking. Find a "chat buddy" and arrange to meet up on Chatzy or FB, whatever. You take the lead in the conversation. Do that until you have a good sense of the ebb and flow of casual conversation. Then move on to in person.

This may seem contrived, but you need to start somewhere. Good luck, and remember what YOU SAID --- YOU'RE NOT GIVING UP!!

[Pyromancer]

OMG sorry, I'm trying to do 7 things at once so I posted that last message without proofreading and it sounds confusing even to me lol. *...deep breath...* ...just message or PM if you need clarification or want to get me committed lol...

[SHOman93]

As many others have said, the "are they interested in me" question really is caused by an underlying self-confidence issue. If we don't see our self as desirable or "a good catch", we will most likely expect that is what everyone else is thinking. When it really isn't.
For example, I use to think who would want to be with me? I'm not overly good-looking, I'm not that funny, maybe a little awkward, maybe a little weird. All I really had was my youth. But after being on the dating scene for a couple months I've discovered that guys do like me. Sure, I still do think that to a degree, but I do understand now that there are guys who like me out there.
Just don't worry about it. If they really didn't want to do anything with you, YOU would know. The way they touch you. The way he says "maybe I want you to beg for it."

Message me if you ever need someone to talk to one on one. I won't tell anyone who you are
Good luck <3

[reaper]

Honestly I've never really thought about this and I wouldn't be concerned either way.

I can always tell if I "click" with someone in a very short period of time. Just from body language and a handshake I already have a sense of the person.

It's not that I judge them in this time, but I've always had an ability to get a feeling right away. Like I'm seeing their aura or something. I'm not really sure how to describe it really.