How to know if people are interested?

[Anonymous]

When we are trying to make friends or dating in real life,

how to know whether the person we are having a conversation with is really interested in us and interested in the conversation?

And how to know that the other person is actually conversing with you out of pity or is being reluctant to converse with you?

[Pyromancer]

Reading your questions, and the fact that you posted anonymously, I feel like what we need to be talking about is your self doubt, lack of self worth, low self esteem. I think that you doubt yourself to the point that a guy could be sporting wood, breathing heavy and salivating over you and you'd be thinking, He just feels sorry for me...it would just be a pity fuck...

The issue is not how to know if someone is genuinely interested in talking to you, but instead how to BELIEVE that they are.

I don't know you or what experiences have led you to this point. And to be honest, I feel a little out of my depth here. If you're willing to post more about your life, your circumstances and the things that have caused you to feel this way, maybe some of us could help you figure out what you need to do.

Please continue to post about this. I think that this initial post was a huge and scary leap for you, don't retreat now.

[MikeW]

Observe body language: Are they making eye contact? Are they smiling? Are they listening and asking questions? Or do they seem distracted, disinterested, in a hurry, wanting to get away? What is their body stance or position? Does it seem warm and inviting or standoffish and off-putting? Similarly, are you asking them questions and listening to the answers? IOW, are you showing genuine interest in them?

Also, there are different kinds of interest. Someone may be interested in you as a person but not interested in you sexually. If someone finds you attractive physically, I'd say usually it is fairly obvious. Gay men who are not out may be reluctant to show that interest IF you, yourself, are not out as well. This makes the whole thing more complicated than it need be.

Why do you think someone would converse with you "out of pity"?

Edit: I agree with [MENTION=22470]Pyromancer[/MENTION] .

[meridannight]

this is a joke, right?

there's an obvious difference between pity and reluctance and someone genuinely interested in your company. the differences are clearly observable and easy to differentiate. not to mention, you'll FEEL the difference.

also, where else is there a possibility to make friends other than in real life? if you want to answer ''the internet'', then that's not real friendship or relationships. and i don't buy it that someone is so out of it that they fail to recognize basic human body language cues at all.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

^^^ Those on the Autism/Asberger's Spectrum often cannot tell when a person is or is not interested in what they have to say.

[Virge]

It's a crying shame when you can look at a the title of a thread on the board and KNOW who wrote it.

[Lexington]

People very rarely stick with a conversation out of duty, or out of pity. If they're not really interested, they'll give monosyllabic answers, or just nod, and eventually look for a way to draw the conversation to a close. If they keep talking, if they keep asking questions, chances are they're at least interested in the conversation. It doesn't mean they want to get into your pants, necessarily, but it does mean they're enjoying how the conversation is going. And that's a good first step.

Lex

[Lexington]

this is a joke, right?

there's an obvious difference between pity and reluctance and someone genuinely interested in your company. the differences are clearly observable and easy to differentiate. not to mention, you'll FEEL the difference.

also, where else is there a possibility to make friends other than in real life? if you want to answer ''the internet'', then that's not real friendship or relationships. and i don't buy it that someone is so out of it that they fail to recognize basic human body language cues at all.

It's really easy to think "as for me, so for all". I mean, *I* see that 3D magic painting image, and can tell Coke from Pepsi without even tasting them, so why can't you? But people ARE put together differently.

Also, as far as comparing online and "real" relationships...well, to me, they're two different versions of similar thing. Like acoustic and electric guitars are both guitars. The lack of a whammy bar on one, or the need for an amp on the other, doesn't necessarily negate it from being "a guitar". I've certainly had online friendships and relationships that I'd consider "real". I've gone to meet them after months or years of online interaction, had sex with a couple, and even became "real life" boyfriends with one. One might consider them simply "potential relationships until you meet in real life", but I think that minimizes the impact they can have.

Lex

[meridannight]

Also, as far as comparing online and "real" relationships...well, to me, they're two different versions of similar thing. Like acoustic and electric guitars are both guitars. The lack of a whammy bar on one, or the need for an amp on the other, doesn't necessarily negate it from being "a guitar". I've certainly had online friendships and relationships that I'd consider "real". I've gone to meet them after months or years of online interaction, had sex with a couple, and even became "real life" boyfriends with one. One might consider them simply "potential relationships until you meet in real life", but I think that minimizes the impact they can have.

Lex

and to me they're not real. not real interaction.

the bolded is the key part. after that, sure, it can become real, but before, nope. it's more like comparing a guitar and a shadow of a guitar. depending on the angle of the guitar, where the Sun is and the other shadows around, the shadow of the guitar might not look anything like a guitar at all. and you sure can't play and make music with a guitar's shadow.

[Lexington]

We'll just have to agree to disagree then. Having plenty of "online" friends, plenty of "real life" friends, and those that went from the first to the second, my personal take is that they're far more alike than they are different.

Lex