Not even sure I can call it a break-up, we'd only been dating a little over a month. I really liked Danny and there definitely was chemistry there. But Danny created problems and drama about my friend Kevin. Who, BTW, isn't gay.
Danny decided that there was "something more going on" than just friendship. When I asked what he was basing that on, he said because Kevin and I were always together. I didn't include Kevin when Danny and I did things together. I never spent time with Kev to the exclusion of Danny. But at the same time, I didn't feel like I had to apologize for being with Kev if Danny was otherwise occupied and couldn't see me anyway. So yeah...friction.
I've known Kev 3 years, so if there were something romantic or sexual between us, why would I start dating Danny and then introduce him to Kev? Anyway, Danny said he was working late and then going out with his friends. Instead, he showed up at my house and Kev and I were watching a game and eating pizza (with all our clothes on and the cat sleeping between us lol). Danny started an argument and Kev asked me if I wanted him to leave, I said no. Then Danny laid out his ultimatum, It's him or it's me. So I said OK, then it's him.
It sucks. But it felt like a bigger issue than just Danny not liking my friend. Like he was trying to bully me, to establish a balance of power in the relationship. Kev says people do that out of insecurity, but whatever the reason, I still can't deal with it. Kev said at least talk with Danny and tell him how I feel, but I don't want to, I don't want him back, I just want it over, I hate feeling intimidated.
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It is/was a bigger issue, I agree.
The thing is, ultimatums are ALWAYS about power. Sometimes, that's a good thing. For example, if someone really IS cheating, then a partner giving an ultimatum is about taking -back- power that should have been theirs in the first place.
You were not cheating. You're allowed to have friends -and- a boyfriend.
I'm sorry about the break-up tho. I know you liked him.
I have found with people who try to intimidate, bully, and ultimately try to close you off from friends and family? If they can't do it one way, they'll find another. Whether it's the beginning of things turning abusive or just what they need in a relationship to feel secure, they won't let go of it until they get what they want/need one way or another.
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I'm sorry about your breakup. It is curious how he can be so jealous when you have only been going out for a month. I do not know anyone that has given an ultimatum that worked in their favor.
I do agree with your friend, Kevin, though. I know you have posted about really liking Danny in other topics. You may want it to be over right now due to feeling angry. In a few days though, you may be feeling different. Maybe he had a really bad day or something. Perhaps this breakup could be a first fight.
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I am sorry that you had that kind of a fight. Insecurity is a nasty monster and requires immediate attention. I am not really sure there is anything you can say to him because the kind of insecurity he is having isn't rational and so explaining what actually is happening is not going to do the trick. It isn't anything you said or did though...people who have that level of insecurity probably have some deep wounds from long ago and that is how they manifest themselves...
If for some reason you do forgive him and you guys make up...it would be wise to help him address this and maybe talk to a professional so he can figure out what triggers him to behave like that...he might not even know.
He is obviously threatened ...probably jealous ...maybe even possessive...about your time...
Once you get past the anger...try to forgive him if possible...it is easier to go forward whether it is with him or on your own if you can do that.
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You are better off without jealousy in your life.
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TwisttheLeaf Wrote:It is/was a bigger issue, I agree.
The thing is, ultimatums are ALWAYS about power. Sometimes, that's a good thing. For example, if someone really IS cheating, then a partner giving an ultimatum is about taking -back- power that should have been theirs in the first place.
You were not cheating. You're allowed to have friends -and- a boyfriend.
I'm sorry about the break-up tho. I know you liked him.
I have found with people who try to intimidate, bully, and ultimately try to close you off from friends and family? If they can't do it one way, they'll find another. Whether it's the beginning of things turning abusive or just what they need in a relationship to feel secure, they won't let go of it until they get what they want/need one way or another.
Thank you. Your response helped me identify what I was feeling under everything else. Frightened. Threatened. Like I had to get away before I was trapped. None of which were logical in the situation. But it made me realize that before I get involved in a relationship again, I need to work through the residual emotions that I know stems from events in my past.
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Sorry to hear that. It's worth sorting things out properly with D. If nothing more just for conclusion.
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Props to Kev for being respectful of the situation and asking if you wanted him to leave.
Where you said that Danny told you he was working late and instead showed up to your house - It looks as though he was trying to catch you out... You deserve better than to spend a relationship, feeling like your under cctv 24/7.
I Hope you and Kevin have remained friends through this though, he seems like a good friend.
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Pyromancer Wrote:Not even sure I can call it a break-up, we'd only been dating a little over a month. I really liked Danny and there definitely was chemistry there. But Danny created problems and drama about my friend Kevin. Who, BTW, isn't gay.
Danny decided that there was "something more going on" than just friendship. When I asked what he was basing that on, he said because Kevin and I were always together. I didn't include Kevin when Danny and I did things together. I never spent time with Kev to the exclusion of Danny. But at the same time, I didn't feel like I had to apologize for being with Kev if Danny was otherwise occupied and couldn't see me anyway. So yeah...friction.
I've known Kev 3 years, so if there were something romantic or sexual between us, why would I start dating Danny and then introduce him to Kev? Anyway, Danny said he was working late and then going out with his friends. Instead, he showed up at my house and Kev and I were watching a game and eating pizza (with all our clothes on and the cat sleeping between us lol). Danny started an argument and Kev asked me if I wanted him to leave, I said no. Then Danny laid out his ultimatum, It's him or it's me. So I said OK, then it's him.
It sucks. But it felt like a bigger issue than just Danny not liking my friend. Like he was trying to bully me, to establish a balance of power in the relationship. Kev says people do that out of insecurity, but whatever the reason, I still can't deal with it. Kev said at least talk with Danny and tell him how I feel, but I don't want to, I don't want him back, I just want it over, I hate feeling intimidated.
Hmm, I never had a problem like that, but that's probably because I only went out with four guys(all at once). joking! :]
He is probably overly protective and what many other people said, jealous. Personally he ruined the relationship himself and I am glad that you are not hurt in anyway.
One thing that does creep me out is the fact that he lied to you. If he is WILLING to lie then he is not worth your time. He was going to be at work then go out with his friends, but instead he was probably looking through your window or listening through the door (Correct me if I am wrong). I only say that because four of my friends in high school had that problem and caught them.
I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. Anyway, You seem ok about the issue.
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