Sexless Relationship? Is Something Up?

[WillRugby]

Hi guys, I had to join this forum and ask for your guys advice as a last resort so any advice/help is greatly appreciated.
I am in a frustrating and upsetting situation at the moment and I don't know what to do.

I have been in a (what I seem to be serious) relationship for just over a year now. Theres is a big age difference between us but that isn't an issue to either of us or our families. I am 19, he's 42. Although we don't have a house together, pretty much all of my stuff is at his now and stay at his all nights apart from maybe one or two. He travels a lot with his work so he is away most of the week and nearly all weekends, we see each other maybe 3 evenings out of the 7 a week and occasionally Sundays together. We get on well, a frequent exchange of 'I love you's' and cuddles and all that soppy stuff, we talk and text throughout the days but theres one thing that bothers me a lot, sex. At the start of our relationship we had a - what I would say - healthy sex life. But for quite a few months now something hasn't been right. Last time we engaged in such activity was maybe 3 weeks ago and before that it was 2 months, maybe a month before that and so on. I constantly get rejected when I attempt to make an advance with a lot of "We will tonight" which then in the evening turns to "Im too tired now, how about in the morning." - obviously creating a cycle of No's. Now I don't ask 24/7 but maybe once in the week I will try and become intimate with him but the same thing every time. I have brought this issue up with him once or twice in the past but that lead to arguments and tears on my half out of frustration of the situation (yes I'm a big softie).
I want to know if you guys have any idea to this problem? Is it my fault at all or am I doing something wrong? I wouldn't say I am unnattractive, I play rugby, workout and maintain a healthy body - I obviously wasn't undesirable initially and not a lot has changed since then.
In the past I have caught him talking to someone else, but he claims that it was just someone talking to him friendly after speaking on twitter - he has a lot of attention on social media through his work, even though there was no evidence of them interacting on twitter apart from following each other. I let the issue go, and that was that - but it also questions whether this lack of sex is because he is getting it elsewhere maybe? If so, how can I bring this issue up to get the truth without accusing.
I just want to find out what is going on and I don't know how I can do this.
Sorry if this isn't really the place to post these sorts of posts, but it was the first forum website that came on when I searched..

Thanks if you took the time to read this.

[LJay]

Well, if it is a sexless relationship then it is pretty obvious that something is NOT up. You should have a pretty good idea if your friend has adequae opportunity to have sex eleswhere. Think about it. It is also possible that there is some kind of guilt or anxiety. It is also possible that he wants to end the relationship.

Talk to him sometime when things are relaxed and there is no pressure to have sex. Try to be clear that you just need to know and that you are not blaming him for anything.

Glad you did post here. That is part of what this forum is all about.

[MikeW]

Hi guys, I had to join this forum and ask for your guys advice as a last resort so any advice/help is greatly appreciated. ...

I'm a bit confused…. didn't this post get replied to? Is this like a duplicate thread? Or am I hallucinating? If I *am* and no one replied to this in two weeks, my apologies! Sometimes new threads slip between the cracks.

[ShiftyNJ]

The OP is 2 weeks old. I also remember reading multiple comments so @MikeW you are not hallucinating. @Andy any idea what happened in the interim?

EDIT: I agree with Bowyn, it doesn't sound like he's lost affection for you, but any of a million things is stressing him, and adding pressure will not help. The only thing you can do is try to set up the opportunity for an honest and calm conversation. Any chance of a vacation together anytime soon? I know for us that invariably helps put a spark in things.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He's old. Old men have trouble with keeping up with 20 something year olds in every area - sports, sex, staying up all night partying.

At age 40 sudden onset of aging symptoms occur for nearly everyone. I swear the day I turned 40 I suddenly needed reading glasses - :tongue:

"Im too tired now, how about in the morning."

That's how I feel about everything now... :biggrin:

The thing here is he does a lot of work travel - travel for any reason is stressful in and of itself. Stress exhausts the body, mind, heart and soul. If he is crossing time zones a lot then there is the jet lag - jet lag can really screw the whole body up.

Sure, earlier on he kept up with your pace - most likely because it was all new and exciting which gave him an energy boost - now that you two are moving down the road toward less hot passion and more serious forms of love, the extra get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. It happens to everyone no matter their age and health. We get an artificial high from brain chemicals due to the mental illness we call 'love'. There are serious brain chemistry changes that give us more energy, a sense of greater happiness and other things like increases the lust/libido.

Understand that hot passionate sex driven love is unsustainable for long periods of time - thus all relationships have to shift to a new, less intense level of love which allows the individuals to go about the daily grind of living. Thus that high of hot passionate sex driven love gives way to deeper feelings and love of different forms.

There are a few things he may want to do to see if his tiredness is 'fixable'.

One vital thing that medical science is learning right now is that most people have vitamin D deficiency. I just found out mine is 11ng/ml - 30 is the lower end of 'ok' (not good, just ok) 11 is kind of bad as in rickets bad. And I spent most of my days outside soaking up lots of sunshine. As a result of low vitamin D I am fatigued all the time (tired) and there is a rather longish list of other symptoms.

He spends most of his time in offices, airplanes, etc. And there is no way one can eat enough vitamin D(s) in food. He should have his vitamin D levels checked and see if he needs more. Research Vitamin D deficency - it makes for a very interesting study.

I have read up on the subject since the test results and apparently lack of sex drive is pretty high up there for people with moderate to severe vitamin D deficiency. Along with being easily fatigued. The drop in sex drive is because they are too tired.

There are other potential medical issues at hand - is he on medication for anything? If so that medication could be affecting his ability and/or his mood.

Most relationships of older people tend to hit the scheduled sex sessions phase of the relationship sooner than kids in their 20's. Stamina and general energy levels are different depending on what decade of your life you are in.

Its not unheard of, in fact pretty common for relationship to go suddenly sexless in the first year or three as life in general tends to consume all of the excess energy a person has.

[LJay]

OLD in his 40'S!! Tired opr stressed, maybe, but I don't wanna hear that 40 is OLD.

Why, sonny, I might just corral you with my walker and whack you with my canes--both of 'em!!!