Actual thread : Sexless Relationship

[WillRugby]

Hasn't worked by posting as one long thread so doing it bit by bit - Hold on a second.

[WillRugby]

Hi guys
I am in a funny situation at the moment and I don't know what to do.

I have been in a (what I seem to be serious) relationship for just over a year now. Theres is a big age difference between us but that isn't an issue to either of us or our families. I am 19, he's 42. Although we don't have a house together, pretty much all of my stuff is at his now and stay at his all nights apart from maybe one or two. He travels a lot with his work so he is away most of the week and nearly all weekends, we see each other maybe 3 evenings out of the 7 a week and occasionally Sundays together. We get on well, a frequent exchange of 'I love you's' and cuddles and all that soppy stuff, we talk and text throughout the days but theres one thing that bothers me a lot, sex.

[WillRugby]

At the start of our relationship we had a - what I would say - healthy sex life. But for quite a few months now something hasn't been right. Last time we engaged in such activity was maybe 3 weeks ago and before that it was 2 months, maybe a month before that and so on. I constantly get rejected and any attempt to make an advance usually results with a lot of "We will tonight" which then in the evening turns to "Im too tired now, how about in the morning." - obviously creating a cycle of No's. Now I don't ask 24/7, and in no way do I beg like its my only thought, but maybe once in the week I will try and become intimate with him, the same thing every time.
I have brought this issue up with him once or twice in the past but that lead to arguments and tears on my half out of frustration of the situation (yes I'm a big softie).

[WillRugby]

I want to know if you guys have any idea to this problem? Is it my fault at all or am I doing something wrong? I wouldn't say I am unnattractive, I play rugby, workout and maintain a healthy body - I obviously wasn't undesirable initially and not a lot has changed since then.
In the past I have caught him talking to someone else, but he claims that it was just someone talking to him friendly after speaking on twitter - he has a lot of attention on social media through his work, even though there was no evidence of them interacting on twitter apart from following each other… anyway - I let the issue go, and that was that.. But it also questions whether this lack of sex is because he is getting it elsewhere maybe? If so, how can I bring this issue up to get the truth without accusing.

[WillRugby]

I just want to find out what is going on and I don't know how I can do this.

I know sex isn’t everything and I do value the other qualities of our relationship, but it makes me feel incredibly distant.


Thanks if you took the time to read this.

[Iceblink]

What is funny about guys is they will talk all the time about their sexual adventures and conquests and what they would like to do to whom. Guy friends will sit around talking for hours about it, but then when a problem develops and there is some issue of desire, all the sudden they clam up and don't want to talk about it and want to put off dealing with the issue. When tend to put a lot of emphasis on sexuality as our worth as a man, and so if someone tries to discuss a problem with them, guys take it as an attack or a reason for embarrassment, even if the problem is some kind of medical reason. Unfortunately, despite all this, you've got to make him discuss it if you want to make this relationship work. Maybe couple counseling could help in getting him deal with the situation, even if it turns out there is a medical reason because he first needs to acknowledge it before he can get help for it. Get him to talk, anyway you can, that is your one option.

[WillRugby]

So you think it may be a medical reason more than anything?

[Iceblink]

No, I don't think that for sure. I think it could be any number of reasons, I was just bringing that up because even when it is that reason, guys have a problem talking about it. Whatever the reason, he first needs to admit there is a problem so he can take steps to discover the reason and deal with and solve the problem.

[Stephen]

Its not your fault. :/

I'm sorry but I have to say this - he is an idiot for a 42 year old. He does not recognize that you are being hurt. But, if he does then he is a coward for not doing anything about it. I understand a little bit because I too experienced a guy that didn't want to have sex and is also social with many people. He would talk with other guys, but nothing sexual in front of me. I caught him btw. You should of seen his face! ;]

Any way, I cant be sure about him cheating or going out with other guys. It is odd that he spends so little time with you, but then stops having any interest at all. You would think that if you were gone most the of time that you would want to hug and kiss the guy, right?

A more extreme view would be that he didn't like your junk or body, he is jealous or feeling guilty from your age, seeing someone else, married (hope not), older guys are less sexual (not sure), he is too tired, not in the mood, has hormone problems, medication, or something else. Hopefully I am wrong on all of those. Some of these things I have experienced from guys.

I cant really pin point it because I don't know the guy. Maybe tells us how he looks at you? What do you see when he looks into your eyes? does he look down a lot when he talks about things? Is he quite most of the time? Does he avoid you sometimes?

I am more worried about why he is not talking about it and argues with you! I think Iceblink hit the nail on that area though.

Any way, sorry for the extreme view and language!

- Stephen

[MikeW]

...I just want to find out what is going on and I don't know how I can do this.

I know sex isn’t everything and I do value the other qualities of our relationship, but it makes me feel incredibly distant….

What [MENTION=20912]Iceblink[/MENTION] and [MENTION=22452]Stephen[/MENTION] have said are basically it. Who knows what his problem is? You don't and neither do we. But there is a problem, at least for you. You're in love with a guy who is no longer interested in you sexually. Why is that? And what is to be done about it?

Definitely do not go in the direction of "am I doing something wrong?" Sure, maybe, but I doubt it. More likely he's either dealing with low libido (and possibly a testosterone deficiency) or he is the kind of gay man who gets more turned on by "the hunt" or "conquest" than true intimacy and love making. Then again, maybe he's more turned on by "fresh meat" and once he gets "used" to someone, the interest declines.

First thing I'd do if I were you is just ask flat out, "Is there anything I can do to get you aroused and more sexually interested in me… frankly I'm sexually frustrated and don't understand why you're no longer interested in me…" (or whatever words are true for you)… and see how he responds. I'd try to steer clear of blaming or letting it slide in the direction of an argument, keeping focused on the question, "What can we do to make this work?"

As was said above, if he isn't willing to work with you on this problem, I don't see how this relationship can continue. It's one thing to have been in a relationship for many years and find sex getting stale or monotonous -- and feel the need to find ways to bring back the spark. That shouldn't be happening within a year, though.

Keep reporting back to us, letting us know how this is working out… maybe there is more to this than meets the eye.

ETA: You asked if he could be having sex outside the relationship. I obviously don't know but given what you've said, and especially that he travels a lot, I'd say the chances are fairly high that, yes, he is. Now the question, how to ask him this. I tend to take the direct approach, and tell my partner how *I* am feeling… "I'm feeling neglected and hurt and its making me wonder if you're getting your sexual needs met with someone else." Again, find what is true for you (how ARE you feeling about this?) and see if you can get that across to him. Does he care how you're feeling? If not, best to know this now.