Just need to rant about something guys....

[Anonymous]

What's up guys. I need to rant about something. I've had these thoughts on my mind for some time and just need to let them out. I made this Anon because I don't ever want my boo to see that I wrote this (he knows I go on this forum, and have posted stuff, but he doesn't care.)
I'm also not digging for responses from you guys, per say, I just really need to vent all my thoughts. I'm not really expecting anyone to fully read this huge ass post, just need to get it out. Alright, buckle in guys. Here weeeee gooooooooo.....

I've been dating this guy for about 3 months. We've had fun. Tried a couple things. He has more experienced than me, but we still tried stuff. Stuff didn't really turned out as we planned, but we both got over the "mishaps." My biggest complaint is that I always get fucking mixed reactions from him. For awhile, he would give me one kiss and say "alright that's enough till next time." He's told me I'm so cute, have really pretty eyes, that he was really glad he met me, he's never met someone like me and that he "kinda" likes me. He hasn't like a guy in such a long time. But that's beside the point.

We've spent SO much time with each other the past couple months. Hell, 3 weeks ago him and I hung out everyday from Wednesday to THE NEXT Friday. Count that. 9 days. And 80 percent of the time it was him asking me to hang or chill. And last Tuesday him and I went on a full day car trip. 8am till midnight we were together. I really like just being around him and he must feel the same. So, I'm not really confused on weather he likes to be around me. That's pretty obvious.

What REALLY confuses me the deeper parts of the "relationship." Not only have we talked about what we both wanted, we've done it twice. We both came to the conclusion that we want a relationship, but that we don't know if we're ready/available enough to have one. We both have school (go to the same one) and a part time job. Alright. That's fine. But, we do things that COUPLES do. We walk around the mall sometimes holding hands and just all around being flirty. I'll grab his ass and he'll....well....just say brush up against me. But then other times, Ill try to kiss him when were physically close and he'll look the other way and shy away when I pull him close. I'm just like really? I say that because HE has been MORE than willing to fully make out in public. Me, my friend, and him were at the mall once. As Me and my friend were going to get in my car, to meet him at the other store, he shoved me up against my car and we made out for like a 3 minutes. HE Shoved ME. SO why when I try to romantically give him a little smooch, No. UGH.

I mean, I'm getting kind of sick of all the people in my life asking about "him and I" My parents know I'm gay and keep asking about him everytime he comes over. He pretty much knows my house as well as I do. All my friends that he's met are like " Y'all are definetly together. It's so fucking obvious you two really like each other." But then I'm like "no, nothing is defined yet." And he keeps bringing up that people in his life keep asking about "us." And that his best friend, who said she really likes me and told my guy that " he needs to bring more guys over and that he should totally keep this one (me)", knows what we've done (more like tried) sexually. I don't really care what his friends know. My friends know what we've done. I have nothing to hide.

I guess what Is so damn annoying in my mind is this. We love each other as friends. Ok. If we both wanted to keep it at just friends, I could deal with that. I DO like him way more than a friend, and he knows this. Yet, instead of keeping just good friends we do stuff that people together would do. Yet, I wanna say, it's always on his terms. Like he's trying to keep me wanting more. Trying to keep me around. He's definitely done things that just friends wouldn't do.

IDK. I might add more to this as I think about it.

I'm just trying to keep this a physical record of my thoughts since they get so easily jumbled.

If you actually took the time to read through all that jumbled up shit, more power to ya.

Thanks again you guys for putting up with my shit. lol

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add something.

Another thing THAT DRIVES ME UP A FREAKIN' TREE is the fact that he tells me all the time that "he's not good enough" since the times we've tried stuff it didn't work out well.

Um, no. It's not you. You don't understand the anxiety and performance pressure I put myself under to try to please you. I do it to make YOU pleased. Don't you think I wanted it happen and go even further? Hell yes. I just don't know.

That's it for now. I think I've vented everything I can think of. Lol.

[Albie]

That was a great vent. I hope things work out with you guys as it seems that you really care for him. If he states he isn't good enough, make sure he knows that you stick around him for a reason.

I won't try to give you any advice as you didn't want any, but I will continue to root for you all the same.

[Hardheaded1]

You both seem to be very young, somewhere between 16 and 20 from the read of it. That would account for much of it.

Without knowing you two, the only things that come to mind are his low self-esteem from sexual inexperience (and apparently his belief that he SHOULD be "good" at sex already), or the remote chance you have halitosis.

As it is, you two just need to discuss this more with you asking directly about his actions, or more correctly, his reactions.

[Borg69]

He likes the chase... and could be a control freak.

[MikeW]

Total anonymous fail! LOL!!

Ok, so… you know, language has been invented:

"I'm not interested in dating anyone else but you right now, how do you feel about that?"

"How come sometimes when I try to make out with you in public, you pull away? It makes me feel ___________ … "<< fill in blank

As for the 'trying to keep me around by trying to keep me wanting more…' yeah, I have to agree, that does sound a bit controlling and manipulative. But, so, how do YOU feel about it and have you TOLD him that? Is this a *real* problem, as in it is making you uncomfortable or leading you to feel like you can't trust him or that the relationship is out of balance (he has more power than you, for example) or w/e? Or is it just a minor annoyance (the kind of thing ALL relationships have).

As for the "not good enough" … I'd need more information. Like, "Why do you say that? I think you're great, sometimes I even feel like I love you and here you are telling me you're 'not good enough'? What do you mean you're 'not good enough'? Nobody's perfect. We all have problems and shit, so, what's this about for you? If you truly are *not* good enough, what should I be worried about? OR… are you trying to make me feel uncomfortable or insecure or just sorry for you or what?…"

I duno how you'd want to word all that.

The way I look at it, COMMUNICATION starts with me looking inside myself and trying to understand HOW I FEEL first of all. That way I can say, "When I hear you say (or when I see you do) ______________, I feel ______________." Or, "When you say (or do) _______________, do you mean ______________?"

Of course, you do *have* a relationship as it is. The question is, do you need to "define" it?

IF you're just *dating* -- that doesn't preclude dating someone else! OTH, if you're "going steady" (or whatever teenagers call that now), that is a kind of a "thing"… and it *does* need to be discussed even if you do NOT make any pronouncement about it to anyone else. It's an agreement about where you are with one another. And it can be with the understanding that this is a "for now" kind of thing… it isn't a marriage proposal! But it is something more than an FWB, which doesn't preclude *other* FWB's or dating… if you see what I mean there.

As for other people, OF COURSE they're curious. They're your friends and family and they wana know what's going on in your life. Now, thing is, you (meaning the two of you) have a right to keep some things private. You don't have to *say* in so many words… it can be just a sly smile and a wink… and then let them think whatever they think. Or you can say, "Haha, well, we're still figuring that out…" or whatever.

Personally, I can relate to NOT wanting to make to big a 'public' pronouncement because that's like, I duno, sort of committing to something you may not really be ready to commit to. And that might be the bottom line question, "how "committed" are we to one another, and how much of a public statement do we want to make about that?" If, for example, friends and family know "we're going steady" -- that puts your relationship in a particular category in their minds. For one thing, it tells "friends" -- 'um, oh, so you're not available to date anyone else…' etc.

Anyway, good luck! You know, this is what all teenagers go through regardless of their sexual preference and, in a way, you're blessed to be going through this NOW rather than in your mid-20s the way most gay guys do!

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for the input guys. I wasn't even expecting anything, but I love the responses. So, THANK YOU.

In response to some questions/ideas brought up;

We are both young. 18 and 19. He's got way more experience with sex than me. I've still yet to pop my metaphorical cherry. Lol

I tell my friends all the time to tell me if my breath STANK. They have never said anything. LOLOLOL

At the beginning the chase was kinda fun. He started out chasing me, tbh. Then it kinda equaled out. Now, I feel like it's mostly me. Idk.

Mike, love it. Love it all. Those are some really nice ideas/ways to talk to him.


I'm sure as I go through the day today, I'll have more stuff to vent. I'm gonna make this my official "I need to vent and blow steam off" thread. Haha.

Peace out, for now.

[princealbertofb]

Anonymous, @MikeW has given you some great openings of course, and anyone with a bit of common sense would have said to talk it out, and not to take things for granted, unless, of course, you've had the serious talk. For now, he may be keeping some options open, but you need to know, so ask him. Telling him where YOU stand in this relationship might help him to define his stance and whether he's ready to commit to more, or whether he still needs to play around.
If you're ready to let him fool around, just maybe ascertain that he's going to keep safe 1) for himself and 2) for you in case you become something more serious... He doesn't want to be bringing an STD to the lunch table, does he? In some sense, it might be a good call to be the least clingy as possible, not many men seem to enjoy that - again, unless a clingy partner is what he craves - it takes all sorts. In the meantime, and while you two sort things out, please remember your own health (your parents might feel concerned about that too) and enjoy what life has to offer. I don't think anyone stays at home waiting for the phone to ring anymore. We're all so mobile with our cell phones. But it used to be a "thing", so if you want to wait for the phone to ring, fine, if not, let him know that you're living your life too.

[Anonymous]

I'm in kinda a pissy mood. Need to vent some shit. Again, not expecting comments unless you guys wanna input something. Don't think it would go unappreciated. Lol.

I just hung out with my guy today, TWICE. Before and after class. I guess I'm just so confused because I DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE ARE. I mean, he's always asking me to hang out. Ok. Fine. I love hanging out with him. But then we hang out, walk around doing little touches of each other, rubbing up each other, and then if someone asks if "were together" like some gay guy he knew at the store did and he says no in a "no, really...." kinda tone. IDK. It's just annoying. I just don't know how much longer I can keep myself in this weird stage. I REALLY LIKE this guy. Have since I met him. It's really hard for me to only go half way on the relationship with him. Like lets either just be friends (I'd be pretty sad and well.....sad....but I would get over it sooner or later) or lets just FREAKIN' DATE. This whole I only get hugs when I leave and kisses usually only when you want them is a pain in my ass.

I'm just gonna come out and ask next time I see him, tomorrow probably lol, "So, what are we, exactly?"

Actually, scratch that. He just had something happen in his life that I'm helping him through so maybe it's not the best time. Hmmm.

OK. I think I'm done. Until next time I feel I gotta rant....LOL

[MikeW]

It'll be interesting to hear how you do this and what he says….

In the mean time, some observations: Putting a "label" on a relationship makes it "official" in a sense, it is sort of a social commitment. Now you see yourselves and other people begin to see you (both) as an "item". It can be kind of scary, actually… like if something goes wrong or at some point you break up, not only do you have to deal with your own feelings about it, you have to deal with friends'/family's observations, feelings or whatever. So, as I said before, I think it is important for the individuals to have some verbal back and forth about this, even if you (both) don't make any kind of public statement.

But, yeah, its like he's wanting to be in control (only kissing when he wants to) -- but look how you're giving him control… in what you said above, "So what are we, exactly?" That puts him in control of saying what "we" are.

What I suggest is you say, "This is what I want _____________… What do YOU want?" Now he may or may not want the same thing you do. The thing is, you need to know what he wants. If he wants the same thing, great. If not, the next question for you is… well… is their room for compromise? in other words, maybe he wants 50% of what you do… and you're willing to go along with that, perhaps with certain conditions like, "Ok for the next month we're 50% of what I want and then we'll re negotiate." So that gives you both time to find out, are we moving in a similar direction (even if it isn't an identical direction). And then after a month (or whatever) you look at the situation and ask the question again: "Where are we now? What do we want now?"

I say all this because people have the idea that when you say, "I love you…" to someone that that means like FOR EVER AND EVER AND EVER! Well, it *could* possibly mean that. But if you haven't been together for over 7 years already, chances are that may NOT be what it means.

IOW, It is possible to "love" someone right now. "I'm loving you right now." That is, "I feel love in my heart for you right now." That's a true thing. It is how I feel right now.

HOWEVER… a few minutes from now after you've shown me what a dick-head you are, or how you've lied to me about something, or how you're trying to manipulate me to have chinese when what I really want is pizza -- I may not feel like that AT ALL! I may feel like, "gees, what a douche!!"

Staying in touch with our feelings, asking ourselves, "How am I feeling right now?" And then being open about sharing those feelings with others -- and receptive to how OTHER people are feeling in the moment, too. And not hiding from them or running away from them or when someone is in pain, trying to "fix" them and taking their pain away (necessarily). Maybe its just, "Oh, wow, you're hurting! I hear you!!" Seriously, a lot of what friendships and relationships are all about is just feeling like there is SOMONE else in your life who SEES you and HEARS you and maybe even GETS you -- even if they can't change a damn thing about what is really going on.