Open Relationships - what's the big deal?

[Bhp91126]

I believe a relationship works only when all people involved agree on the same level of openness/monogamy. both wanting an open relationship is what kept us together in the beginning, when we had an LDR between Germany and the Netherlands for 6 years. Even though we're open, we still have rules. Extracurricular stuff only happens when one is away or when we're on vacation. When we're together we're not looking to "stray". When we go to a party/bar/club/event together, we leave together. We love each other much more now than in the beginning and I hope for many years more.

[trywait]

to each their own...what works for the people in the relationship is entirely up to the people INSIDE the relationship.

like [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] said: myob

quit being an outsider looking in

[Camfer]

My fifth (and probably final) relationship ...

People are often terrible predictors of the future. Maybe you meant "perhaps" instead of "probably?"

[MikeW]

People are often terrible predictors of the future. Maybe you meant "perhaps" instead of "probably?"

And the significant difference between those two terms is?

[Camfer]

"perhaps" leaves it a little more open. "probably" means it's the more likely outcome.

I've seen people in their 70s and 80s get together.

[Pyromancer]

I've always assumed that the term "open relationship" meant that you are entitled to have your cake and eat it too so to speak. In laymen terms ....you are with me ...but we can have sex with others outside the relationship as well.

Well yeah...that's the definition as I understand it...and it's a very individual thing. My BF feels that monogamy is essential...anything less is a deal breaker. He didn't try to tell me what to do or not to do...he simply stated his position and let me decide...

What I've noticed with some couplse (gay and straight both) is that if their sex life starts to lag or get boring, they quickly seek gratification outside the relationship instead of trying to spice things up with their partner.

I've never been as adamant about monogamy as Kev, but the bottom line is that I want him (and not just sexually) more than I want my so-called freedom. It's a no-brainer.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I believe a relationship works only when all people involved agree on the same level of openness/monogamy.

^^ This.

I don't think that it can be (or feel like) a compromise for either party. If it does, it appears that it messes with their heads and, therefore, the relationship as a whole. It has to be a mutual want/need to work from my observations.

This is observation, mind you. Gideon is NOT wired to share, and oddly enough (considering my past prior to Gideon) neither am I. At least, not when it has to do with him.

[JohnSomebody]

Well yeah...that's the definition as I understand it...and it's a very individual thing. My BF feels that monogamy is essential...anything less is a deal breaker. He didn't try to tell me what to do or not to do...he simply stated his position and let me decide...

What I've noticed with some couplse (gay and straight both) is that if their sex life starts to lag or get boring, they quickly seek gratification outside the relationship instead of trying to spice things up with their partner.

I've never been as adamant about monogamy as Kev, but the bottom line is that I want him (and not just sexually) more than I want my so-called freedom. It's a no-brainer.

Hey Pyromancer: I think I've might had mentioned in an earlier response about being involved sexually with a couple whom had an "open relationship". I'm a firm believer in the saying "To each its own" as well as whatever works in that relationship. This couple initially went through all the channels to convince me the status of their relationship and how having me involved with them sexually will not affect their status as a couple. The night that this began to happen between us...I had assumed in the back of my mind that this would be a one-time situation because after that night...I did not see or hear from them for a few days. However, they appeared at my door one night and was going on about how hot that was and wanted to do it again...and again...and again...Unfortunately....one began to react as well as respond differently than how he did with his partner sexually towards me. This caused a lot of jealousy to displayed towards me in that respect although I was persuaded by them to participate. What I did notice is that although this guy displayed jealousy....he did not end the threesome due to the fact that his partner wanted to continue and he felt that he would do so in order to keep his relationship intact. I even began to show more attention towards the jealous one sexually many times...but where I got confused with the situation was that he did his best not to show any kind of reaction towards me while his partner was sitting there watching he and I go at it sexually. His partner also liked to watch and then jump in...However, if his partner left the room...he would grab me and push me on top of him and his hands and tongue were all over me with a lot of loud moaning on his part. To conclude...I came to the decision to end this because I found this whole situation to be somewhat confusing with quite a bit of tension from the jealous one. Nonetheless...at the end of the day...this is what made their relationship work at that time and to make matters worst...when I would go out on dates...the both of them would get extremely jealous!!!!!...too much drama...

[MikeW]

...I think I've might had mentioned in an earlier response about being involved sexually with a couple whom had an "open relationship"....too much drama...

Yeah, I think what you're describing is very common in those sorts of scenes. It really depends on how clear people are with themselves and one another. In your case it is obvious there were problems that they didn't acknowledge or know how to address.

Another aspect, too, is that all relationships have dynamics within them. That means, although there may be a "fulcrum" or "balancing point" around which the dynamics spin, the relationship isn't static. It is a moving thing. This means that what may be true for one, one moment, may not be true for him the next. And, so, how do we relate to THAT? How do we understand these shifts of feeling?

In your case you just came to the conclusion this was more than you wanted to deal with, and understandably so.

[parogue]

Thanks everyone for your insights. It seems as though the general consensus here is the "have your cake and eat it to" kind of mentality but I guess I'm just old school in my thinking but I cannot imagine a scenario where this is beneficial in the long-term. I would imagine that jealous has to become a factor at some point. Perhaps spending more time with your "side man" then with your "main man" or something. It just seems like a slippery slope.

I mean if this is simply a way to keep sex lives "interesting" I can't say that I'm fully understanding of that either, then again there is almost nothing I wouldn't be willing to try if my boyfriend expressed any type of interest. Ok perhaps I draw the line at blood and scat but honestly I'm not sure my personality would mesh with someone that was into those extremes.

I realize there are limitations to what I am able to provide in terms of experiences. I mean lets face it a threesome or any combination of multiples is obviously something I cannot provide as a single person but if that was decided on and we had discussed limitations I could be persuaded to play along there. But a standing agreement to go out and find "cake" at whatever bakery you wanted/whenever you felt like it seems like it would be a bad setup for all involved, even it if was only while you were "out of town".

And as JohnSomebody's post demonstrates jealousy is far too easy to come by. Even in a threesome. It doesn't sound like that became a situation where each of them was off playing on their own but it doesn't take much stretching of the imagination to believe that they probably do individual encounters with whomever.

For those that believe this is a good idea, is this something you just inherently believed in or did it require some persuading? What caused you to finally give it a go? or if you haven't was there some deciding factor that makes it "ok" in your mind to allow this type of situation to occur? I'm not trying to sound mean or rude but if this is truly the "wave of the future" in regards to all relationships, not just those of the homo variety, then I'm going to need to try and catch up. Single life sucks but if I have to adapt I'm going to need to start now.

Thanks again this was enlightening.
Andrew

*sorry for the delayed response I didn't realize this post went "live" and there were responses.