Open Relationships - what's the big deal?

[Lexington]

Seems like this has become a bit of a heated topic in regards to emotion, which is awesome. I had a feeling that this topic was not a universal as my uncle and his bf made it seem. Granted during the course of this thread I am beginning to see things a bit more clearly but I'm not exactly positive that I would be interested in such an arrangement.

I mean Lex has some very valid points that he's made in comparing this situation to others restaurant, bands, etc and while I understand the general logic behind this line of thought I'm not exactly sure how one can compare a relationship to these types of things. In my opinion, it it is truly just that, it seems as though a relationship with your partner, bf, husband, whatever should receive more consideration and commitment than the relationship I have with my local Chinese joint (although that has been a committed Relationship for nearly 10 years).

Once again, I think there's some problems with people with not getting the right mindset here. "A relationship with your partner should receive more consideration." Well, yeah, obviously - nobody expects monogamy when it comes to restaurants. But an open relationship isn't inconsiderate. FORCING an open relationship on somebody is inconsiderate (and probably doomed to fail) but that's nowhere near the same thing. If somebody told me "I can only be in a monogamous relationship", as I said, I think I probably would he able to do that.

So my next question is are monogamous relationships outdated, old-school, and generally going by the wayside or is just because the nature of gay men seems so different from traditional straight relationships this is pretty much going to become the "norm"?

This almost sounds like an argument against gay marriage. "So, once we allow gays to get married, are all the things that make a marriage special to be thrown out the window?"

My relationship shouldn't alter anybody else's. What we do in our relationship was chosen because it works the best for us. I would never insist that all, or even most, relationships have to be open. I'm totally fine with monogamous relationships, and I'd never suggest that they're wrong, or backwards, or anything else.

If I want my relationship to send a message at all, it would be this: find out what works for you two. What makes both of you happy? What would maximize the joy and elimainate the most bad feelings in your relationship? Sleeping in separate beds every night? Go for it. Staying in each other's arms from the moment you get home until the minute you have to separate? Awesome.

I know one guy who comes home from work on Friday, has his clothes torn off, and gets stuffed in a tiny cage...where he remains until Monday morning. Why? Because he gets off on it...and his partner gets off on doing it to him. Do I think I should do this? Hell no. Do I think everybody should do this? Of course not. Do I think what they're doing is right? Well, they both seem very happy, so I'd say it's right for them.

Lex

[yousir]

To chime in on this.

I am starting to get annoyed with OKCupid.

Just going through the QuickMatch feature and I have had a number of people's profiles shown to me, people that are in polyamorous Open Relationships.

They have partners, and are looking for more partners. Not just sex. They actually want other romantic partners.

One particular person showed up. His profile made him seem like he was enamoured with his own "quirkyness / weirdness / culturedness / artyness". Including listing a bunch of bands that he listens to that no one has probably heard of. Seriously, what is the deal with listing ARTISTS (or any media stuff) on your profile unless they are pop/popular/well known. It just seems show-offy. I list GENRES. His photos were of him in "arty / showy" poses. And part of his profile said "I have a wonderful boyfriend. And I have a wonderful girlfriend. You're just going to have to get used to my polyamory."

Seriously. Good for you. But 2 isn't enough? And a 3rd isn't coming quick enough, so you've decided you need to go on a dating site to seek more relationships?

Seems greedy to me. Some of us struggle to find one person.

[East]

^^^ Sounds like a new way to say "I'm a slut"......

It used to be a lot easier to be a slut in the old days....and own it...

[MikeW]

...................

[yousir]

^^^ Sounds like a new way to say "I'm a slut"......

It used to be a lot easier to be a slut in the old days....and own it...

Wasn't that called PolySlutterino.

[East]

Wasn't that called PolySlutterino.

LOL...or LuckyBastard

[LJay]

[Prepares to be trampled.]

What do you gentlemen think of the notion that men sometimes prefer non-monogamous relationships because they are men, that is, without the constraints of pregnancy, and therefore can succeed in philandering (literally) without consequences?

[Lexington]

^^^ Sounds like a new way to say "I'm a slut"......

I'd agree with you if he was looking for a hot fuck. He's not. He's looking for an additional partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. He's looking for somebody to get into an actual (if heavily split-timed) relationship with.

Greedy? I guess. Assumedly the boyfriend and girlfriend are OK with it, though, so no harm no foul.

"You're just going to have to get used to my polyamory."

Or I could just not respond to that ad. Which I wouldn't.

Lex

[MikeW]

What do you gentlemen think of the notion that men sometimes prefer non-monogamous relationships because they are men, that is, without the constraints of pregnancy, and therefore can succeed in philandering (literally) without consequences?

I wouldn't disagree that this one element in the equation. But...

I would suggest that we begin to think differently about what sex IS...

Obviously on the most fundamental level, sex is the way the species propagates. BUT it should also be obvious that propagation is NOT the primary reason humans engage in sexual activity with one another. So, beyond propagation:

1: Sex CAN be a form of exploitation and abuse: Rape, power, domination, manipulation, control. <<< Sexual activity and sexual energy (arousal, lust, desire) has been used as a dominating, manipulative force throughout human history.

I believe the reason homosexuality is a social taboo fits precisely in this category. The taboo is a methodology of shaming someone into submission to authority. Every one of us here who has ever felt conflicted about his homosexuality should understand exactly how this works. If I can get you to doubt your own sexual inclinations, if I can get you to fear or feel shame about them, then I can manipulate and control your social behavior. I may even exploit your sexuality, allowing you to have your desires but always on my social terms (keeping your activities hidden, furtive, on the down-low) holding a sword of Damocles over your head with the perpetual threat of public exposure, shaming, and loss of social standing among your peers.

Sex used in this way is psychologically damaging, unhealthy, dehumanizing, demeaning, and creates neurotic (and sometimes psychotic, even sociopathic) behavior patterns. <<< This is why so many gay men have serious social anxiety and other relationship/intimacy issues.

2: Sex CAN be a form of recreation: Recreational sex is not abusive and does no harm to anyone involved. It is mutually consensual, it feels good, it allows people to share heightened states of erotic sensation and ecstasy. No on is being coerced, physically or otherwise. There is no sense of shame or guilt. It is pleasurable and, although perhaps not totally fulfilling to our human natures, it is satisfying, re-creating our sense of self and self-worth as physically desirable sexual beings.

3: Sex CAN be an expression of love: Love making with a partner you intimately care for is different from recreational sex. I find it difficult to explain this difference but, for lack of better words, it is a means for 'becoming one with' (emotionally and physically bonding with) your partner(s). (Yes, I believe it is possible to love more than one person at a time, YMMV.)

For many people this is the "ideal" sexual experience and is usually equated with a monogamous relationship. Indeed, this kind of relationship, a loving relationship where the individuals share an intimate life together (however they arrange that), is the most satisfying form of sexual relationship.

However, the above does not *necessarily* preclude the option of engaging in recreational sex with other people. The loving sexual relationship is in a completely different category from a recreational (hook-up, FWB) relationship. It may be the partners are so into one another they do not desire, may even eschew, sexual experiences with others. On the other hand, they may feel their sexuality can INCLUDE others without harm or damage to the primary relationship.

Finally: 4: Sex CAN be a spiritual path: I can't really say a whole lot about this kind of sex. My limited understanding is it is using erotic sexual energy as a form of "active meditation" where the ultimate aim is not so much achieving ecstatic erotic orgasm as an expanded state of consciousness: An "at oneness" with the Universe. In this state, all boundaries between the participants dissolve and their act of sexual union is perceived as a reuniting with the *fundamental* forces of the universe itself, symbolized by the phallic Axis Mundi.

[parogue]

To chime in on this.

I am starting to get annoyed with OKCupid.

One particular person showed up. His profile made him seem like he was enamoured with his own "quirkyness / weirdness / culturedness / artyness". Including listing a bunch of bands that he listens to that no one has probably heard of. Seriously, what is the deal with listing ARTISTS (or any media stuff) on your profile unless they are pop/popular/well known. It just seems show-offy. I list GENRES. His photos were of him in "arty / showy" poses. And part of his profile said "I have a wonderful boyfriend. And I have a wonderful girlfriend. You're just going to have to get used to my polyamory."

Personally I made sure that my profile was an accurate representation of my actual identity including the sheer snark that I'm capable. Don't want to have people under the wrong impression if they message me. lol