Open Relationships - what's the big deal?

[strider65]

the only insight I can throw in from my experience is, number one, the possibility that you or your partner might come across someone that either you or he clicks with more than you do with each other, and number two, that it might cause you or him to leave each other for perceived greener pastures.

I think it may work if the relationship is rock solid to begin with. I've been in 3-ways with couples where I clicked with one guy and not really with the other... there are a lot of possibilities for jealousy or resentment.

In my own personal experience, it's not a good idea. That's not to say it may not work for some.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Who died and made you the arbiter of what constitutes a relationship and what doesn't?

Hopefully no one died

Heres the definition of "Relationship" from the Oxford English Dictionary -

"An emotional and sexual association between two people"

If your in an emotional and sexual relationship with multiple people, and it works for you fine, call it a "Relationship" if you want.

The OP was asking for views on Open Relationships. Thats what I gave, whether you agree with it or not is actually irrelevant but I respect that your in an open relationship and it works for you.

My point is that open relationships dont work for everyone.

[jimcrackcorn]

When it comes to "open" or "monogamous" relationships, the only advise I would give concerning sex outside of the relationship is: Practice safe sex,,, and if you think something went awry - discontinue sex until you've been checked by a doctor and cleared of any potential STD's.......

There is no way to cure the guilt of passing along an STD to your partner.

Sincerely,
Jimerooooo

[MikeW]

Apologies Mike, Im not looking to be offensive to anyone, Im just trying to understand why gay men find it so hard to be in a monogamous relationship.

I'm sure that isn't your intent. But seriously, you think gay men "cheat" more than straight men? I have no way of verifying statistics, but this page puts forward research suggesting,

"...roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage ... And these numbers are probably on the conservative side, [considering] close to half of all marriages end in divorce. ... Men are more likely to cheat than women. But, as women become more financially independent, women are starting to act more like men with respect to infidelity..."

My point is, when you say, "I'm just trying to understand why gay men find it so hard to be in a monogamous relationship," you're asserting an assumption -- that gay men find it difficult to be monogamous. You might want to ask those men in monogamous relationships on this forum if they find being so "difficult." Moreover, although you did not say it, the implication is it is more difficult for gay men to be monogamous than straight men. This may be true, but do you have evidence to back up that assertion? This page, has a chart indicating general differences in sexuality between the genders. I'm not advocating that it is accurate, I have no idea, but it seems plausible to me. The point being the MEN (regardless of sexual orientation) experience sexuality differently than women and are, on the whole, more likely to "cheat".

The "why" is simple: Most men like sex and want to have a lot of it and, in general, they also crave diversity of stimulation, which often translates into having sex partners outside of their primary relationship.

I was in a monogamous relationship for 10 years, then I found out he was cheating on me and he then gave me the ultimatum of accepting that we were in an open relationship, or no relationship at all.

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's very painful and upsetting to discover that what you *believed* to be true, is false, especially when it concerns someone you love.

The OP was asking for advice and views, and I gave mine. Clearly open relationships work for some (which I also stated in my replies) but not for all (me for example)

Well, no, actually what you said is that if two men are having an open relationship they are "cheating" on one another and might as well not be in a relationship. Yes, this is your opinion, to which you are entitled, just as I'm entitled to take a bit of umbrage to it, and tell you so.

As I said, no offence intended and apologies if any was taken.

Apology accepted.

[oreosplz93]

I don't understand if the majority of straight people do not have open relationships. Why are we basically entitled to that? It just does not make sense to me. Like keep your pecker in your pants. Open relationships to me are annoying. Like get over yourself either you found the fuck of your life or you did not. uGHH

[oreosplz93]

I don't care if I am offending anyone. It's how I feel.

[Lexington]

Why are we basically entitled to that? It just does not make sense to me. Like keep your pecker in your pants. Open relationships to me are annoying. Like get over yourself either you found the fuck of your life or you did not. uGHH

I found my favorite restaurant, my favorite band, my favorite outfit...but I never fekt the need to give up eating anywhere else, or listening to other bands, or wearing other clothes.

This reaction isn't uncommon, but it's always struck me as a bit over the top. People respond as if I not only am cheating on my partner, but cheating on THEM. Thank you for feeling betrayed on his behalf, but since he's OK with it, I don't see why you need to step in to feel the void.

Also, people seem to neglect that it IS a two-way street. It's not like I forbid HIM to go out and get his freak on. I'm totally fine with that, in fact.

Lex

[oreosplz93]

I found my favorite restaurant, my favorite band, my favorite outfit...but I never fekt the need to give up eating anywhere else, or listening to other bands, or wearing other clothes.

This reaction isn't uncommon, but it's always struck me as a bit over the top. People respond as if I not only am cheating on my partner, but cheating on THEM. Thank you for feeling betrayed on his behalf, but since he's OK with it, I don't see why you need to step in to feel the void.

Also, people seem to neglect that it IS a two-way street. It's not like I forbid HIM to go out and get his freak on. I'm totally fine with that, in fact.

Lex

See now that's where you are wrong . I don't feel betrayed on his behalf or anyones behalf. I just would not be okay with that in my relationship. Even though something like gay marriage can be so untraditional it does not have to lack basic universal values.

I would be totally against that. That's just not okay. If I did not cheat on a girl for years I know any man is able to control himself. It depends what environment you are in as well. Open relationships are for people who don't have self-control.

[Lexington]

See now that's where you are wrong . I don't feel betrayed on his behalf or anyones behalf. I just would not be okay with that in my relationship.

See, I'm fine up until this point. But then things start going off the rails.

Even though something like gay marriage can be so untraditional it does not have to lack basic universal values.

"Values" is something of a loaded term here, at least in my opinion.

I would be totally against that.

And that's totally fine. Monogamy is awesome for folks who choose to pr atice it.

If I did not cheat on a girl for years I know any man is able to control himself. It depends what environment you are in as well. Open relationships are for people who don't have self-control.

What makes you think I lack self-control? I'm pretty sure I could live a completely monogamous life. Hell, if circumstances made it prudent or necessary to do so, I'm pretty sure I could lead a completely heterosexual life, or a completely celibate life. i'm just garteful
I don't feel any pressure to do so.

Lex

[parogue]

Seems like this has become a bit of a heated topic in regards to emotion, which is awesome. I had a feeling that this topic was not a universal as my uncle and his bf made it seem. Granted during the course of this thread I am beginning to see things a bit more clearly but I'm not exactly positive that I would be interested in such an arrangement.

I mean Lex has some very valid points that he's made in comparing this situation to others restaurant, bands, etc and while I understand the general logic behind this line of thought I'm not exactly sure how one can compare a relationship to these types of things. In my opinion, it it is truly just that, it seems as though a relationship with your partner, bf, husband, whatever should receive more consideration and commitment than the relationship I have with my local Chinese joint (although that has been a committed Relationship for nearly 10 years).

I understand and support the need and desire to attend events, hang out with friends, and just generally do things alone that your partner may not find interesting. I mean there are literally millions of hobbies and interests available to people and I'm quite positive that there would be no way to find a man that is interested in absolutely everything I am. However that is not to say I would not give it the "college try" and try and enjoy some of the things they do but wouldn't scorn them for desiring to go to the big "Left-Handed Scissor Convention" if that is something he is truly passionate about.

So my next question is are monogamous relationships outdated, old-school, and generally going by the wayside or is just because the nature of gay men seems so different from traditional straight relationships this is pretty much going to become the "norm"?

Thanks again for all the replies this is an interesting insight for me. I mean having never been in a relationship its important to know what I'm going to face. Just need to find guy now, any leads on that? I'm thinking that a huge limiting factor is the fact I live in Central PA and really the homo population is not that significant.