My turn to ask for advice for a change...

[MikeW]

Well "advice" may not be the right word. Maybe I just need to share this to see what other people think.

Here's the situation: I go to my gym on the UC Berkeley campus at least four times a week. I go there to work out, not to socialize. I've been going there so long, however, I do *know* people there... most of them (not all) are staff and most of them (not all) are female.

Every Tuesday afternoon I go to an aerobics step class. This is something I've been doing more or less consistently for four or five years.

About three weeks ago I noticed this guy *notice me*. What's interesting about this is that I've been aware of the guy for years. Not like he's new to the gym. In times past I've seen him in a more advanced aerobic step class that happens in the evenings. However, for some unknown reason a few months ago he started coming to the class I usually go to, a much slower and more "basic to intermediate" class. But, although he had been coming to the class more or less regularly, it wasn't until about three weeks ago that *I noticed him noticing me*.

Does that make sense? I was aware that he was looking at me, more than once.

Alright so, this past Tuesday I 'felt' him look at me a couple times during class. After the class was over as I gathered up my stuff to leave the room, he came up to me and started asking me some questions. I had a foam roller with me and was about to go to the stretching room to roll out... like I often do. I was *very aware* that these questions were just an excuse to say "hi" to me. Our whole interaction was very brief (no more than a minute or so) but in the course of that I introduced myself and asked him his name, which I now have. After that we said our "see ya latters" and went our separate ways.

Ok, now here's the thing... I find this guy kind of attractive. I'm not sure how old he is but I'd guess, late 40s. Maybe early to mid 50s. SO... that is... at least 10 years younger than I am. I'm curious about why he has suddenly taken notice of me to the point he actually made contact with me (brief and rather awkward as it was).

I'd be interested to get to know him better, go out for coffee if he was of a mind to, but FOR ME that is kind of a big deal. I don't know whether you guys realize how socially awkward a person I am. I'm a bit gruff, abrupt, outspokenly honest, intellectual, extremely judgmental (but not in a typical way), have a rather negative self-image.... it's complicated. I'm NOT looking for a relationship (as most young men are). I'm not even looking for sex (although that's always nice). TBH, I'm not sure what I *am* looking for (if anything, really) -- other than the fact I'm curious. WHY NOW? How come after seeing this guy for literally years, WHY NOW, has he not only "noticed" me but actually made it a point to start a conversation with me?

I'm so socially awkward I don't quite know where to go with this. He's made the "first move" (I guess you'd say) so now, I suppose, its up to me to maybe chat him up. I'm not good at that kind of thing. I'm more apt to walk up to him and say right up front, "Hey, X, I was just wondering, how come after all this time, how come you've recently taken notice of me to the point you chatted me up last week?" Personally, I don't see anything wrong with being that upfront about things but it seems most people feel awkward or put on the spot when confronted like that.

So, I guess that's the question.... how do you guys see something like this? If being myself means being both awkward and almost rude (because I *am* socially awkward with people I don't know)... then, is *that* the thing to do? Or should I just say "hi, how's it going X?" and see where that goes?

[Camfer]

I think you should play it cool and not ask for any explanation. He may not even have an answer to that kind of question. It would scare him off.

Start taking the aerobics class by being right next to him. Just talk about the class at first.

Then, ask him to go out and have coffee together. Just get to know him. Over coffee tell him that you're socially awkward around people you don't know well, but that you're a nice guy and it gets more normal over time. He'll already know by then that you're socially awkward, but hearing it from you will show him that you at least have self-awareness about it.

Take it slow and no pointed questions!

[LJay]

What Camfer said.

Also, since you are in Berkeley, try looking for one of those la la meditation classes that shows you how to relax and go with the flow. Try meditating on having a hangout buddy. Relax. Enjoy. Get used to the idea that you can be of interest to this guy.

AND BE SURE YOU REMEMBER THAT I AM SO JEALOUS I COULD SPIT!

[ceez]

I would have to ask him, but later on like if he agrees to go out for coffee I would mention that I've seen him around before and ask him what made him approach you. if not then it would bug me for the rest of the relationship no matter what type it becomes.

[Lexington]

Sometimes, it takes awhile to develop an interest in somebody. And sometimes, it takes awhile to realize you have an interest in somebody. Maybe that's what happened here.

What should you do? I'd say keep things going. Talk to him before and after class. You don't have to immediately jump to "let's go get coffee" - you can chat with him for awhile about the class, about the gym, about the area, anything where you have some common ground.

Lex

[Steve]

Camfer said pretty much what I would have said Mike. Baby steps, especially if you're feeling awkward.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Sure, it could turn out to be less than successful, but isn't it better to have tried than not try at all? I know how hard it will be for you, but considering you're not deeply emotionally invested, isn't it worth the effort?

xx

[Rareboy]

OK All good advice so far.

Mike. Time for you to become the person you always so eloquently coach others in your position to be.

First. Make a conscious decision to lower your reserve and to loosen up.

Be nice. Smile. And trust me...I know how hard that can be if you are feeling awkward.

Seize the common ground and just chat. Listen to him. Like you do here. Ask him questions.

Ask him if he wants to grab a beer or a bite after class. Seriously. Ask him. Maybe he'll say no. Maybe he'll say sure.

None of us are getting any younger. I enjoy the company and companionship of others if only in passing and without strings attached. You can do this too.

You'll know soon enough if either of you wants to take the next step. And don't close yourself off from it. It doesn't mean he has to move in. But maybe he'd just like someone to spoon with. After crazy monkey sex of course.

I hope you have found a friend who you will enjoy.

[Buzzer]

The important consideration non-Berkeleyites won't think to ask about, MikeW, is where he takes his coffee. FSM Cafe? Telegraph? Shattuck? Durant?

[MikeW]

The important consideration non-Berkeleyites won't think to ask about, MikeW, is where he takes his coffee. FSM Cafe? Telegraph? Shattuck? Durant?

OMFG... you're so right... most people don't know there are more coffee houses in Berkeley than there are pubs in Milwaukee!

[MikeW]

...Start taking the aerobics class by being right next to him....

Ummm... no, that would be obvious *and* awkward. I *always* set up my step in the same spot *every time* and all the regulars know this. I'm always the first in the room, too. In fact I usually get there 10 to 15 minutes early, set up the instructor's step, and then do my own advanced practice move as a warm-up.

I'm very good at aerobic step, have been doing it off and on since the 1990s. In fact the program director at the gym asked me if I'd like to become an instructor a couple years ago. I went a few times to the class they have for instructors but, although I liked *the idea,* the reality is I can't INSTRUCT and do the moves at the same time! Being a good instructor isn't just about doing step well, one has to be able to INSTRUCT people, that is, tell them TWO TO FOUR BEATS IN ADVANCE which move they're to make next. That's way worse than walking and chewing gum at the same time!