Sex Advice

[looking4answers]

Ok so here is my deal. I have been having monogamous sex with my bf for a year. i usually bottom but i am not good at it. I cannot relax and i don't get as much pleasure from it as i should. I also got a hemorrhoid from bottoming. So i started topping. Well because we have been tested we have unprotected sex and i got a UTI. Basically i feel like a failure. I want to bottom and enjoy it but i have tried everything! breathing, relaxing....even poppers. Please help a young gay man. Am i a bad bottom? is my bf a bad top? (he has an above average penis and i wonder if its too big for me? he's the only person i've ever had sex with) How do you bottom?

[Virge]

I think you need to lay off the caffeine or the crystal meth. Your OP reads like a it was written by a squirrel under a bridge... ummm I meant up a tree.

First you say you're no good at bottoming and you don't get all the pleasure you should from it.

How the hell do you know much pleasure you're supposed to get out of it?

Then you switched to topping. Yeah. that's a sure way to be a better bottom.

If you've gotten hemorrhoids at 18 from bottoming you need turn yourself into Butt Hole hall of fame or the universal fraternity of liars. Hemorrhoids don't result from what goes in or out the anus, Anus. And if you have to ask strangers in a forum if a penis is too big for you to take you're totally literally DUMB ASS.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Ok so here is my deal. I have been having monogamous sex with my bf for a year. i usually bottom but i am not good at it. I cannot relax and i don't get as much pleasure from it as i should. I also got a hemorrhoid from bottoming. So i started topping. Well because we have been tested we have unprotected sex and i got a UTI. Basically i feel like a failure. I want to bottom and enjoy it but i have tried everything! breathing, relaxing....even poppers. Please help a young gay man. Am i a bad bottom? is my bf a bad top? (he has an above average penis and i wonder if its too big for me? he's the only person i've ever had sex with) How do you bottom?

Unlike Virge I'm going to be a bit less aggressive in my reply.

As Virge pointed out, its really hard to get hemorrhoids from anal sex at your age. Now young men your age do seem to be getting a lot of anal issues, but this has much more to do with irregularity and straining because of constipation, which is largely due to diet in the majority of cases.


As for enjoying bottoming. Not all guys can like it, some guys it eve hurts, or causes too much discomfort because of things like their prostate doesn't get pleasure from being massaged. In many cases this is a sign of a prostate problem.

Which brings me to the UTI. Its really hard for males to get UTI - and in a lot of cases its an issue of the prostate, typically an infection of the prostate.

Now I did have bacterial prostatitis (prostate infection) when I was in my late 20's. This lead to discomfort in bottoming, and in having bowel movements - I would get this pressure feeling, not exactly pain, but not a pleasant feeling. I was 'lucky' as the treatment was a single course of antibiotics and it never happened again. http://cid.oxfordjournals.org/content/50/12/1641.full makes for a good read on how difficult prostate diagnosis can be. Which is a warning on how you need to be proactive with your doctor.

Now it is possible to get a UTI from topping anally, however it is pretty rare since the act of sex usually ends with ejaculation which shoots every thing out, and then most men almost immediately need to go urinate (which is how the body cleans out the plumbing of leftover sexual fluids).

But, I think what may be the underlying issue to both problems is an unhappy prostate.

There is the Prostate Test (Prostate-specific antigen (PSA) blood test), however everytime I have gotten one taken, the phlembotimist (the person who draws my blood) tells be point blank the test tends to be in error a lot more than doctors seem to be aware, thus you are going to also need a physical feel up there by a health professional to make certain your prostate is the right hardness and size.

All of this assumes that the problem is the prostate.

You need to test the materials you use for sex. That would be testing your sensitivity to lubes and to latex.

Buy a small box of latex gloves from any pharmacy/drug store. They are relatively cheap. Cut the wrist cuff off one, and wear it one night halfway up your forearm. In the morning if there is no itchiness, redness or other signs of sensitivity or allergy, you can rule out latex allergies.

Next step is to rub a drop of your brand of lube on your forearm, inside (softest side) and let is sit for several hours and see what happens. If you get reddness, itchy, whatever along those lines, it means you are allergic too the lube. There are many types of lube out there, consult your pharmacist.

Once you have rules out allergies to latex and lube, then you need to start fingering yourself. YOU will need to find YOUR prostate, and see if you can massage it without pain.

Mind massage does not mean hammer, pile drive, pound - it means gently, with just a little bit of pressure, rub your finger back and forth over the 'happy spot' - trust me, if you are a functioning male you will find it and know it.

Do this several times, get to know your prostate with ONE (1) finger. Then you can move on to two fingers, three fingers, etc.... Slowly, and over the course of several sessions stretch yourself out down there.

Understand that not all men feel pleasure from prostate massage. Even 100% healthy prostates can be fickle, and its possible that you just will never be an anal bottom.

Which is OK. According to Ask Alice and several other resources, there is about 60% of gay men who do not do, do not like, do not ever want to do anal - reasons range from 'it hurts' to 'ew, shit on a dick - EW!!!!';

out of the remaining 40%, nearly half do anal because they think they have to do it because Porn is a bad source for sex education, and because bigots, haters like to call us fudge-packers and other interesting words which means or insinuates that gay = anal sex.

There is oral, there is fronttage, there is masturbation, there is rubber duckies in a wading pool of cherry gelatine - there are many other ways to 'get off' and have fun without anal.

If you can't do it, you just can't do it. Find something you can do.

[East]

This is one of the examples...and a common one...of why we all would do well to understand the difference between love and lust. You worrying about not being a "good boyfriend" ...or a failure...is the reason you should know the difference.

Here's the gig...

Being a bottom...it is so much more than a penis and an anus.....

Sex is about the mind...your biggest sex organ...and the body.. and if you work hard enough and practice a lot...the soul....

...and sexual chemistry is so much more than what someone looks like..or what you "want it to be"...and love doesn't always cut it.

In order to become a better bottom...you need someone who has the key to unlock the bottom in you...and the necessary chemistry to be able to do that....it can't be forced...and right at this moment their are billions of people who are "supposed to feel" a certain way because they are "in love"...or married...or in a relationship....and decades of biblical bullshit and romance novels have defined what it all means....and so many people are trapped in someone else's lie...or fairy tale...and they don't feel that way...the way they are "supposed to feel"... at all..and then...like you...they blame themselves...or beat themselves up....

So...just STOP! You do not owe him or anyone else anything. If this is causing you pain and discomfort....do not continue...

When I was a bottom.....maybe 0.00001% of men could get me to that place where I was mentally turned on..enough to WANT them to fuck me. I never just went along with it and got no pleasure....

Looks don't cut it...and neither does love.....

Your BF just isn't that guy..at least not yet if he will ever be....and I know that sucks....

You can tell yourself a million lies...most people do....and they are fine with it. It is easy to find a lie to tell yourself....it is the route most people take...

...or you can tell him exactly how you feel (which is much preferable IMO)...and though no one likes to hear that their BF is not into the sex....maybe you can discuss with him a way to move forward and figure out what you need. Sometimes...it could be something as simple as role play.....or finding the thing that really turns you on...

You are young..you probably don't even know yet..

,,,but you need to open up some doors and windows and let all the self doubt go ...it is pesky and eventually it will be boring and destructive...a prison of sorts...

For me...the one thing I need to be turned on for a man to fuck me is that they need to "see me"...seems simple...eh? Not so much....very rare actually. Most people look at you...but they never really see you. I want them to see me...who I am....not who they want me to be. They also need to be in touch with their animal instinct..narrows it down a bit more...but when they have that combo.,.DAMN.....

So...find out what makes you say DAMN....