looking4answers Wrote:Ok so here is my deal. I have been having monogamous sex with my bf for a year. i usually bottom but i am not good at it. I cannot relax and i don't get as much pleasure from it as i should. I also got a hemorrhoid from bottoming. So i started topping. Well because we have been tested we have unprotected sex and i got a UTI. Basically i feel like a failure. I want to bottom and enjoy it but i have tried everything! breathing, relaxing....even poppers. Please help a young gay man. Am i a bad bottom? is my bf a bad top? (he has an above average penis and i wonder if its too big for me? he's the only person i've ever had sex with) How do you bottom?
Unlike Virge I'm going to be a bit less aggressive in my reply.
As Virge pointed out, its really hard to get hemorrhoids from anal sex at your age. Now young men your age do seem to be getting a lot of anal issues, but this has much more to do with irregularity and straining because of constipation, which is largely due to diet in the majority of cases.
As for enjoying bottoming. Not all guys can like it, some guys it eve hurts, or causes too much discomfort because of things like their prostate doesn't get pleasure from being massaged. In many cases this is a sign of a prostate problem.
Which brings me to the UTI. Its really hard for males to get UTI - and in a lot of cases its an issue of the prostate, typically an infection of the prostate.
Now I did have
bacterial prostatitis (prostate infection) when I was in my late 20's. This lead to discomfort in bottoming, and in having bowel movements - I would get this pressure feeling, not exactly pain, but not a pleasant feeling. I was 'lucky' as the treatment was a single course of antibiotics and it never happened again.
http://cid.oxfordjournals.org/content/50/12/1641.full makes for a good read on how difficult prostate diagnosis can be. Which is a warning on how you need to be proactive with your doctor.
Now it is possible to get a UTI from topping anally, however it is pretty rare since the act of sex usually ends with ejaculation which shoots every thing out, and then most men almost immediately need to go urinate (which is how the body cleans out the plumbing of leftover sexual fluids).
But, I think what may be the underlying issue to both problems is an unhappy prostate.
There is the
Prostate Test (
Prostate-specific antigen (
PSA) blood test), however everytime I have gotten one taken, the phlembotimist (the person who draws my blood) tells be point blank the test tends to be in error a lot more than doctors seem to be aware, thus you are going to also need a physical feel up there by a health professional to make certain your prostate is the right hardness and size.
All of this assumes that the problem is the prostate.
You need to test the materials you use for sex. That would be testing your sensitivity to lubes and to latex.
Buy a small box of latex gloves from any pharmacy/drug store. They are relatively cheap. Cut the wrist cuff off one, and wear it one night halfway up your forearm. In the morning if there is no itchiness, redness or other signs of sensitivity or allergy, you can rule out latex allergies.
Next step is to rub a drop of your brand of lube on your forearm, inside (softest side) and let is sit for several hours and see what happens. If you get reddness, itchy, whatever along those lines, it means you are allergic too the lube. There are many types of lube out there, consult your pharmacist.
Once you have rules out allergies to latex and lube, then you need to start fingering yourself. YOU will need to find YOUR prostate, and see if you can massage it without pain.
Mind massage does not mean hammer, pile drive, pound - it means gently, with just a little bit of pressure, rub your finger back and forth over the 'happy spot' - trust me, if you are a functioning male you will find it and know it.
Do this several times, get to know your prostate with ONE (1) finger. Then you can move on to two fingers, three fingers, etc.... Slowly, and over the course of several sessions stretch yourself out down there.
Understand that not all men feel pleasure from prostate massage. Even 100% healthy prostates can be fickle, and its possible that you just will never be an anal bottom.
Which is OK. According to Ask Alice and several other resources, there is about 60% of gay men who do not do, do not like, do not ever want to do anal - reasons range from 'it hurts' to 'ew, shit on a dick - EW!!!!';
out of the remaining 40%, nearly half do anal because they think they have to do it because Porn is a bad source for sex education, and because bigots, haters like to call us fudge-packers and other interesting words which means or insinuates that gay = anal sex.
There is oral, there is fronttage, there is masturbation, there is rubber duckies in a wading pool of cherry gelatine - there are many other ways to 'get off' and have fun without anal.
If you can't do it, you just can't do it. Find something you can do.
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