coming out drama in asian home lol

[Lexington]

Then you're going to have to just give it some time. Let her come to grips with the fact. You've had several years to get used to it - she's still in the early stages.

Lex

[Kenny221]

Hi Leafblade.

I kinda understand what you're going through, coming from a Cantonese christian background myself. Of course, as children, we should expect nothing less then acceptance and love from our parents, and I'm not asking you to go along with her and do all the crazy counselor stuff, but I will ask you to be patient with her.

The idea of having a gay son, hell the idea of being gay is kinda foreign to them. We don't really have a 'Modern Family' equivalent in our Chinese social media. It's kinda understandable that she grew up with all these misconceptions of homosexuality. Also, I find that alot of parents, when they first find out their kids are gay, they are worried for you. That you'll be discriminated. That you'll have to overcome challenges other people don't have to. I mean they don't want you to burn in all eternity from their prespective. Probably not in the right way, but their heart is from a good place which means that there are still some hope that they'll come around someday.

What I'm trying to say is that your mom does love you , she just doesn't understand and she's confused and scared. We tend to forget that our parents are humans too and humans are scared of what they don't understand. She thinks you'll burn in hell for all eternity so of course she cries.

I had a familiar discussion with my mom about God. She said the exact same things. That I strayed away from God, and I told her this. "You weren't there mom. You weren't there for all the nights I spent on my knee asking God to fix me. The nights where I cried myself to sleep because I couldn't handle the fact that I'm different." and she told me that but I will spend my eternal life in hell.

I asked her this. " A man could've killed, raped, lied, and cheated all his life. He asks for god's repent and he gets to go into heaven. But a gay man, if he lived life to the fullest, loved others, donated to charity and never hurt a soul on purpose but god still condemns him to hell. Well, what kind of a almighty loving God would do that? The only thing we can do in this life time is just love the best we can, and do the least harm possible."

Personally, after the initial shock, my mom is slowly coming around. Slowly, but it's progress. I don't know about yours but I wish you the best of luck my friend.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Well.... 2 cents? Brainwashing is not a -cure- and, from what I understand, that's what the "turning gays straight via therapy" s all about.

Aside from that, I don't have a lot of advice for you. My father was a 1st generation immigrant from South Korea, and extremely closed minded and traditional. I never "came out" since I was never in the closet in the first place, and I paid for my sexuality every day of my life in their house.

So.... I -guess- my advice is to be proud of who you are, man. Don't let your mother's perspective make you ashamed, or make you try to shove yourself back into the closet, etc. You may not ever be able to change her mind/views about homosexuality, but in time she might 'calm down' and come to at least be tolerant rather than fussing and trying to find the why of it all.

Good thoughts for you man. If you need someone to vent to that "gets it" feel free to send me a note.

[Beaux]

I don't know which order to start but I'll promise to hit enter key and paragraphs periodically.

so there has been tension in my family lately between my mom and my sis, which caused my mom to be emotional. which led to her asking me questions about my sis and eventually ask me if i was gay. first there was a long pause which she takes as a yes. then i said she wasn't emotionally ready which she also take it as a yes. (she was teary by the time she ask me after other questions.) and so I just told her straight up I'm gay.

then she asks me about sex, dating, std, relationships. To which I said no to all, and how std can be a thing that straight people get too. I kind of did oral with a guy I guess, but I told her no even though she thinks i'm lying (none of her business anyways). Then she kept on asking me next few days if I have std or sex... >_< i got tested for free on my campus that I am not, but she still thinks that I am. But then I still wouldn't tell her anyways, because she seems to be trying to find a cause, a reason, an explanation of why I was gay.

Now backtrack. My parents were divorced around middle school. I discovered my orientation around middle school and don't come to term with it till college. My family is Chinese, Cantonese chinese. and my mom is Evangelical conservative so to speak.

okay so, everything she said was basically christian way and I don't know what to do. She seems to be trying to find a reason, explanation, a cause why I'm gay. She thinks that I was raped or something, which never happened. Or someone touched me, which also didn't happen. She also thinks i'm looking at too much porn (which could be true), and therefore I am gay (which I don't think it works this way). She's also saying how I'm deviating from God (I haven't tell her I'm atheist.) She was saying how gay sex is disgusting. (straight sex isn't apparently.) She was also saying how if I marry or date a guy, it's sin against God. The things basically seems to be about gay sex. Also that she thinks the divorce affects me psychologically because I lacked a father figure.... but I'm not that close bond with my dad before divorce anyways, so I'm barely affected??

we went to church today (ugh) and she was saying how I'm not paying attention. well, duh, I'm atheist and i haven't tell her. Just now she said she googled some things and how people have psychological issues that caused them to be healed from being gay, which makes me skeptical because it sounds like those christian biased things. (no offense to christians, but I grew up in one so I can detect that)

I am not exactly sure what to do. My mom plans to go to Lifeway and buy some books. I think it's time to pull up the Matthew Vines video? I skipped a lot of Prayers for Bobby and the documentary For the Bible tells me so. Should I show them to her as well? I also plan to go by lgbt center tomorrow and get some pamphlet.

but like, how do I un-ingrain her mind that gay people isn't just about sex and anal sex and STD?? and that it isn't a sin at all as she thinks it is?

I'm sorry if I'm repeating but I think I forget to say that my mom is also thinking of getting a counselor to fix me or cure me because she thinks I have a psychological concern, which is because she read about people being cured. (I'm skeptical of that) idk what to do either... Ugh

Idk if I forget other details or points but if I do I'll do it later

You wouldn't know it, if you were to just look at the two of us side by side, but you and I have the EXACT SAME MOTHER. The only real difference, is that I am almost 44 years old and you still have a great deal of.....oh...EVERYTHING waiting for you just around the corner.

You came here for advice, so I am going to give you a bit of my own, hard-earned experience:
If you want this to settle down some what (it will NEVER end, unfortunately ), then lie. Yes, lie. She desperately wants a ""reason" for you being gay, so give her one. Preferably one that puts both yourself and her safely out of blame (assuming you don't want to torture her...).

From your post, I assume your father isn't currently a big part of either of your life or your mother's life, so I would suggest laying the blame at his feet in some way.

There will probably be lots of people who will post to tell you that I am wrong, but if you want any peace, trust me, LIE.

~Beaux

[MikeW]

...I asked her this. " A man could've killed, raped, lied, and cheated all his life. He asks for god's repent and he gets to go into heaven. But a gay man, if he lived life to the fullest, loved others, donated to charity and never hurt a soul on purpose but god still condemns him to hell. Well, what kind of a almighty loving God would do that? The only thing we can do in this life time is just love the best we can, and do the least harm possible."...

Well said, Kenny.
[MENTION=20942]LeafBlade[/MENTION] The amount of harm ignorant, homophobic parents do to their children is tragic. If they knew what harm they were doing, they wouldn't do it… not if they love their children. So… I don't know how, but you need to make this clear to her: Her believes and attitude are hurting you, making your life miserable and she needs to stop because, again, nothing she says or does is going to change anything. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay, either psychologically, morally, ethically or legally. She just needs to grow up and educate herself.

In the mean time, you're 22 years old. You're not a child or a teenager any more. I don't know if you are living at home with your mother, but if you are, it is time that you began to move out… cut the apron strings. You can do this by -- beyond "coming out" to her -- by BEING GAY. That is, being in and accepting your sexuality. Looking for guys to date and dating them. You do not owe her an explanation for anything you do outside of her home. And you need to begin looking for a place of your own ASAP. Because, whether you lie about it or not, whether she comes around eventually or not, this woman who birthed you is not healthy for you to be around.

It's time you moved on with your life and became an adult.

[LeafBlade]

ok so far no drama yet because mom has been busy...

but now she's commenting how I'm hiding things from her like asking why I close my door and how when she walks by my room i'm always closing things on my browser. But like... if I'm looking at porn it's none of her business?

[MikeW]

ok so far no drama yet because mom has been busy...

but now she's commenting how I'm hiding things from her like asking why I close my door and how when she walks by my room i'm always closing things on my browser. But like... if I'm looking at porn it's none of her business?

No, it isn't any of her business and you can tell her that flat out. You are legally an adult and don't need her to supervise what you do with your dick. BUT... if you're living in HER house you may be subject to HER rules. In the mean time, put a lock on your bedroom door and be sure to erase your browser history.

More to the point, move out ASAP. Mom is warped and unhealthy for you.

[LeafBlade]

this one is just a rant. but my mom tole me not to gloat or celebrate the SCOTUS news because she's saying how she thinks that I don't know if I'm sure if I'm gay or not >_> (well her response to the news is in general, no comment. but that was her additional comment to me.)

maybe I should be more assertive but I think that is also going to cause issue lol. I mean I come out literally a week ago and then lgbt news, and a big one too. oh and she was on mike huckabee's page liking things on traditional marriage and basically God> Supreme Court. and she get to use the bible to defend her divorce years ago?? ugh.

[Jay]

I will never understand how parents willing to ruin their son/daughter's life in the name of God; a person/creature/being that they have never met even once in their lives.

Anyway let your mom and sister continue with their rants. Their rants show that they are still naive and insecure with themselves. You on the other hand should be happy because you are out. I know you're having a tough time as you are out now but at least you're out. A lot of people are still struggling to come out to their family. So be happy and proud of yourself for coming out.

Second you are an adult now. You will not be living in their shadows for the rest of your life. Prepare yourself by getting good education, good job and stabilize yourself with good finance - then move out and live independently.

If your mom and sister love you, they will accept and come to you. If not, it's their loss. You have to move on and live with yourself. It's your life to begin with. Not theirs. Don't fall for them.

I'm Asian with religious family. So I can relate too.

[WhatsInAName]

I will never understand how parents willing to ruin their son/daughter's life in the name of God

Fear.

Fear is what gets kids believing, fear of being watched by an omniscient being, fear of being sent to hell, fear of being different to their parents.

Not only has this asian mum's dreams of a traditional marriage, kids etc gone out the window, her son is now hellbound, and she may be if she supports him.

Religion's a massive headf-ck