Are You Truly Eligible For A Successful Relationship?

[Anocxu]

Thanks again guys..
East..And Matty..
Means alot...
Hand jobs ?
On me?

[himself]

I don't have much to say on the matter. I'm not really capable of much. I remember signing the wrong name on a page a few years ago. I also forgot what age I was for a while. I was only out by a couple of years but it's still something you shouldn't forget. I was going to say that 'ineptitude' is my middle name but then I remembered it wasn't, and if I can't even remember my middle name, that proves my point. I realise this has nothing to do with anything, but I don't want to let the last minute or two of typing to have been for nothing, so I'll leave it in.

What I was going to say before I got carried away was that you, [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION], are fascinating, whether you're 'being productive' or not. If your previous relationships have been unsuccessful, maybe there's something else wrong. Maybe you have some nose hair that people find off putting. You should probably get a pair of tweezers and pull that hair out.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Like East, I'm not single, but I was at one point.

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

I didn't. Hell, I'd even say that when I met Gideon, I wasn't. I was terrified a relationship would effect my independence and I wasn't willing to take the risk.

Gideon taught me a lot about relationships, about how they -can- work rather than how they are "supposed to" work. I think that's what it boiled down to for me, because what Gid and I have is very unique, on a number of levels. It's that way because we built it that way, because that's what works best for us... instead of some preconceived notion of what our relationship should be.

To be honest? I'm probably still not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship, at least not with anyone else other than [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION]. I don't think most would have the tolerance or desire to tailor the relationship to the two involved. At least not to the extent that we have. From what I've seen, most are looking for... a more "cookie cutter" situation than anything we've ever had.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?

No, but if I felt my dating experiences were unsuccessful, I'd definitely be figuring out what I need to change up in what I'm doing to fix that.

It's like that whole thing where if one person doesn't like you, it's an opinion, but if you run across the same issue with people again and again, it's not them, it's you. Yeah? So if my shit wasn't working out, I'd be figuring out what I needed to change to possibly make things more successful.

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

Yes. Maybe. No? Hell, I dunno. I mean I can say I love my twin sister unconditionally. But if she turned around and tried to stab an icepick through my skull I'd....

Okay, so yes. Because I'd still love her. I just wouldn't -like- her very much anymore.

So there you go, I am capable of unconditional love.

But you know what? I'm also a realist. Love doesn't conquer all, solve all your problems, make your life perfect. It can't make obstacles disappear or even make you and the person you love -right- for each other. It just can't. But yet, it survives on, regardless of all that.

On a more serious note in general...if you have had traumatic events in your past that you have not come to terms with and healed yourself..it will severely affect your ability to let go...and love...

..and a lot of people have this..and maybe that is why some people think some people aren't capable of love...BUT if they are capable of healing themselves...they are capable of loving themselves...and then...loving someone else....

Well said [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION]

[Pix]

Even worse...
Most of us are not capable of unconditional love,
Most of us have no idea what it is...
^^^^
After learning these things I am still traumatized

The difficulty is in how the term is understood as a concept and as a practice. I used to have a problem with "unconditional love" for two reasons: one, without conditions it opens the door for all sorts of abuses of the self and others. Some are so bad that their "unconditional love" helps facilitate the abuse of others (in extreme cases like when woman who loved her serial killer husband even helped him abduct, drug, and rape her own sister to death because she loved her man so much), though usually it's more the habitual cheater, drug addict, one who beats you (and if you say those people shouldn't have unconditional love then you're putting conditions on it so that it's no longer unconditional). That is it can facilitate sociopath acts by not only the one loved unconditionally but even by the one who loves unconditionally rather than an inability to unconditionally love being the mark of a sociopath.

Bella shows unconditional love to Edward in Twilight (as well as extreme obsession) and that was just disturbing to me given how he treated her and telling her he wanted to kill her and such.

Two, who would want to get a love letter (or text, whatever) saying "You add misery to my life but I love you anyway." Not that "I'm upset right now but still love you" but that "my life is worse for you in it but I love you." Technically speaking, unconditional love means that's a possibility, and I'd prefer someone broke up with me than say that to me, and if I thought I made them that miserable and I loved them I'd break up with them myself (which would be an act of unselfish love, btw).

Granted, there's the "aware" kind that doesn't make excuses. I love an ex that way whom I won't have anything to do with for at least another decade. And despite all that my mom and dad have done to me (and that I'm surprised Mom hasn't been murdered for what she's done to others--though Dad did make a sincere sober attempt at least once) I still love them and will probably be the only ones who shed a sincere tear at their funerals, but I know better than to trust either of them and I keep them at arm's length (which they appreciate).

But that doesn't seem to be what most people mean when they say "unconditional love" and instead implied (or even outright described it) as being the Beauty to his Beast until he (unrealistically) turns into a Prince (like Bella does to Edward, and such cheesy romance stories come a dime a dozen). Because of this I didn't see why anyone would hold it up as a virtue or an ideal and I know I'm not alone on that. People who have grown up with abuse, users, and manipulators are inclined to bristle at the concept for what I believe are understandable reasons.

Even worse, there's some new age and religious thoughts (I'll look some up if you want) saying that if you don't show unconditional love that any abuse you receive is your own fault because the other person has no free will, he can only react to your feelings (funny how the less power you have the more blame you get, but that's just how the world works).

But then I saw this which made me see it in a different light:

http://youtu.be/D_ZyY-918Xc?t=20m10s

That's the Nostalgia Critic talking about the strangest yet most wonderful romantic couples. I'm starting with 2nd place (Homer and Marge Simpson) because this was actually an "unconditional love" I could understand, and perhaps what others who say they want it mean, that is overlooking flaws to see what is less obvious and being in love with that. While I'm not going to say Homer (or even Marge) is quite a catch, I found him convincing on why their love was a wonderful thing.

(Thought I'd add that I also liked the one they start off with, Jessica and Roger Rabbit...I found that incredibly insightful on why they love each other while the rest of the world see and treat them a certain way which is very different from how they see and treat each other. If you want to go back to see it then it starts at 2:28. They have many others but I wasn't familiar with most of them so I pretty much skipped most of them, though I loved the one on the Addams Family, which is the last one for first place , as well.)

That, I could see, is a beautiful concept since we are all flawed human beings and of course those we love must endure those flaws and yet, we hope, still love us, just as we love them despite their flaws. The potential to take it to a self-destructive extreme exists but isn't what is meant.

And I also think people who promote unconditional love think the alternative is a love that is so selfish that it gives nothing back, that is it just wants beauty, money, and the like and if a person loses their looks or job or what have you (or even just finds "something better" in that shallow way) then the one using you will "trade up" in a heartbeat. But people who are against the idea of unconditional love don't mean to promote such a mercenary (prostituting) cold and calculated selfishness disguised as love anymore than those promoting unconditional love are promoting abuse.

[Anocxu]

I don't have much to say on the matter. I'm not really capable of much. I remember signing the wrong name on a page a few years ago. I also forgot what age I was for a while. I was only out by a couple of years but it's still something you shouldn't forget. I was going to say that 'ineptitude' is my middle name but then I remembered it wasn't, and if I can't even remember my middle name, that proves my point. I realise this has nothing to do with anything, but I don't want to let the last minute or two of typing to have been for nothing, so I'll leave it in.

What I was going to say before I got carried away was that you, [MENTION=21156]Anocxu[/MENTION], are fascinating, whether you're 'being productive' or not. If your previous relationships have been unsuccessful, maybe there's something else wrong. Maybe you have some nose hair that people find off putting. You should probably get a pair of tweezers and pull that hair out.

Looool...
Lmao#!
So youre giving me a complex now?
You are always fun...

I think you are extremely expressive... very much a straight shooter...

I understand you have quite a few things going on but so does everyone else...
If a loving relationship is what you're after...
I think you being straight forward and honest is a quality that can sustain a relationship...
With someone that is as straight forward and as honest as you strive to be.

Promise me this time you won't try dating a horse?
Hugs

[himself]

I have too much respect for you to make you any promises I don't know I can keep.

[Anocxu]

Like East, I'm not single, but I was at one point.



I didn't. Hell, I'd even say that when I met Gideon, I wasn't. I was terrified a relationship would effect my independence and I wasn't willing to take the risk.

Gideon taught me a lot about relationships, about how they -can- work rather than how they are "supposed to" work. I think that's what it boiled down to for me, because what Gid and I have is very unique, on a number of levels. It's that way because we built it that way, because that's what works best for us... instead of some preconceived notion of what our relationship should be.

To be honest? I'm probably still not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship, at least not with anyone else other than [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION]. I don't think most would have the tolerance or desire to tailor the relationship to the two involved. At least not to the extent that we have. From what I've seen, most are looking for... a more "cookie cutter" situation than anything we've ever had.



No, but if I felt my dating experiences were unsuccessful, I'd definitely be figuring out what I need to change up in what I'm doing to fix that.

It's like that whole thing where if one person doesn't like you, it's an opinion, but if you run across the same issue with people again and again, it's not them, it's you. Yeah? So if my shit wasn't working out, I'd be figuring out what I needed to change to possibly make things more successful.



Yes. Maybe. No? Hell, I dunno. I mean I can say I love my twin sister unconditionally. But if she turned around and tried to stab an icepick through my skull I'd....

Okay, so yes. Because I'd still love her. I just wouldn't -like- her very much anymore.

So there you go, I am capable of unconditional love.

But you know what? I'm also a realist. Love doesn't conquer all, solve all your problems, make your life perfect. It can't make obstacles disappear or even make you and the person you love -right- for each other. It just can't. But yet, it survives on, regardless of all that.



Well said [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION]

If I weren't so tightly wound today... i'd be bawling after reading your post..

It's just the reinforcement most of need...
East made me realize I honestly don't love myself enough....

Matty pointed out the strenght and honest conference we need in order to evaluate who and what we really are...
You have confirmed unity and symbiosis as sustaining factors for any personality in any healthy relationship...

My friends keep telling me I should choose guys instead of them choosing me...
I am too lenient...
I have to be defensive when it comes to my heart..

Thank you..
Really..

Like you said ...
I am figuring out I am doing so many 'right' things for the wrong guys...

Why did God curse me with this 11 inch penis?

Its clearly the root of all my problems!!!

Why???
WWWHHHHYYYY?

[James]

Anocxu, I find those I want to be around at get togethers that are not bars or pride or parties, but just some function like I have here, a get together every Friday of gay and straight and all the rest, to play pool, drink some if you are into that, get to know new people, doesn't matter if they are part of the lgbtq community as long as they don't care about that meaning they treat everyone the same, a lesson I think we all should learn from. I understand divorce, but when you find someone you really want to spend eternity with remember this words from my father when I asked him how he and mom stayed together so long(60 plus years). He said "your mom and I don't agree on everything, but what we did agree on is not to bring up what we would never agree on", stay safe, love life, always care, Jim

[Anocxu]

The difficulty is in how the term is understood as a concept and as a practice. I used to have a problem with "unconditional love" for two reasons: one, without conditions it opens the door for all sorts of abuses of the self and others. Some are so bad that their "unconditional love" helps facilitate the abuse of others (in extreme cases like when woman who loved her serial killer husband even helped him abduct, drug, and rape her own sister to death because she loved her man so much), though usually it's more the habitual cheater, drug addict, one who beats you (and if you say those people shouldn't have unconditional love then you're putting conditions on it so that it's no longer unconditional). That is it can facilitate sociopath acts by not only the one loved unconditionally but even by the one who loves unconditionally rather than an inability to unconditionally love being the mark of a sociopath.

Bella shows unconditional love to Edward in Twilight (as well as extreme obsession) and that was just disturbing to me given how he treated her and telling her he wanted to kill her and such.

Two, who would want to get a love letter (or text, whatever) saying "You add misery to my life but I love you anyway." Not that "I'm upset right now but still love you" but that "my life is worse for you in it but I love you." Technically speaking, unconditional love means that's a possibility, and I'd prefer someone broke up with me than say that to me, and if I thought I made them that miserable and I loved them I'd break up with them myself (which would be an act of unselfish love, btw).

Granted, there's the "aware" kind that doesn't make excuses. I love an ex that way whom I won't have anything to do with for at least another decade. And despite all that my mom and dad have done to me (and that I'm surprised Mom hasn't been murdered for what she's done to others--though Dad did make a sincere sober attempt at least once) I still love them and will probably be the only ones who shed a sincere tear at their funerals, but I know better than to trust either of them and I keep them at arm's length (which they appreciate).

But that doesn't seem to be what most people mean when they say "unconditional love" and instead implied (or even outright described it) as being the Beauty to his Beast until he (unrealistically) turns into a Prince (like Bella does to Edward, and such cheesy romance stories come a dime a dozen). Because of this I didn't see why anyone would hold it up as a virtue or an ideal and I know I'm not alone on that. People who have grown up with abuse, users, and manipulators are inclined to bristle at the concept for what I believe are understandable reasons.

Even worse, there's some new age and religious thoughts (I'll look some up if you want) saying that if you don't show unconditional love that any abuse you receive is your own fault because the other person has no free will, he can only react to your feelings (funny how the less power you have the more blame you get, but that's just how the world works).

But then I saw this which made me see it in a different light:

http://youtu.be/D_ZyY-918Xc?t=20m10s

That's the Nostalgia Critic talking about the strangest yet most wonderful romantic couples. I'm starting with 2nd place (Homer and Marge Simpson) because this was actually an "unconditional love" I could understand, and perhaps what others who say they want it mean, that is overlooking flaws to see what is less obvious and being in love with that. While I'm not going to say Homer (or even Marge) is quite a catch, I found him convincing on why their love was a wonderful thing.

(Thought I'd add that I also liked the one they start off with, Jessica and Roger Rabbit...I found that incredibly insightful on why they love each other while the rest of the world see and treat them a certain way which is very different from how they see and treat each other. If you want to go back to see it then it starts at 2:28. They have many others but I wasn't familiar with most of them so I pretty much skipped most of them, though I loved the one on the Addams Family, which is the last one for first place , as well.)

That, I could see, is a beautiful concept since we are all flawed human beings and of course those we love must endure those flaws and yet, we hope, still love us, just as we love them despite their flaws. The potential to take it to a self-destructive extreme exists but isn't what is meant.

And I also think people who promote unconditional love think the alternative is a love that is so selfish that it gives nothing back, that is it just wants beauty, money, and the like and if a person loses their looks or job or what have you (or even just finds "something better" in that shallow way) then the one using you will "trade up" in a heartbeat. But people who are against the idea of unconditional love don't mean to promote such a mercenary (prostituting) cold and calculated selfishness disguised as love anymore than those promoting unconditional love are promoting abuse.

This is an awesome perspective...

You have outlined so many quirks , or inconsistencies regarding love.

On the other hand love can change some or most things about us....but not everything... we will always be flawed.

You outlined manipulation, obsessions and sociopathic agendas tangled in relationships..
You mentioned abuse ..in this context from those we love most and those that say or think they love us unconditionally...
I am in agreement and would like to add .."Proximity"
We spend so much time with our beloved , we bear the brunt of their inconsistencies...which could easily become toxic..

I really do love your post..
You added a new dimension ... Very real , So Beautiful,
...and scary...
Just like reality
Thank you..

[Anocxu]

I have too much respect for you to make you any promises I don't know I can keep.

Lmao!!!
I'm open minded...
If your next date involves a stable, a petrified trainer and a horse smoking a cigarette...(omg!!!)
You have my support.