Are You Truly Eligible For A Successful Relationship?

[Anocxu]

Anocxu, I find those I want to be around at get togethers that are not bars or pride or parties, but just some function like I have here, a get together every Friday of gay and straight and all the rest, to play pool, drink some if you are into that, get to know new people, doesn't matter if they are part of the lgbtq community as long as they don't care about that meaning they treat everyone the same, a lesson I think we all should learn from. I understand divorce, but when you find someone you really want to spend eternity with remember this words from my father when I asked him how he and mom stayed together so long(60 plus years). He said "your mom and I don't agree on everything, but what we did agree on is not to bring up what we would never agree on", stay safe, love life, always care, Jim

One of my oldest friends (oldest as in he's known me since I was 17) got me a job as a disc jockey...Did that from 1994 till three months ago...
I definitely understand your reference regarding bars and night clubs....everything begins and ends abruptly..
Seen it and lived it..
You have reminded us of so many neglected options for social foundations.

Your Mom and Dad..
This is golden advice in my book..

I have had issues in the past with controlling , or overly assertive men and have really adapted.

Letting some things go in a relationship... or leaving some things unsaid was a struggle for me...
I was very good at it..
Then let issues of significance slide...
Then got very bad at it in my last relationship...
Combine that with stubborn qualities and ...
Well...
You know...
Catastrophe.

Thank you for that post...
( I ) (maybe some of us) really do need to revamp our social environment or re-define what we consider to be socializing.

[meridannight]

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?
(I have stopped completely)

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

it's only in the recent years that i've found the idea of settling down with someone appealing. up until the end of my twenties i wasn't interested in relationships.


A. i am capable of sustaining a relationship, and a healthy one. i mean, i also understand what [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] said, that you can't really know for sure, and everyone can fail at it, including myself, but i know i am capable of it with the right guy.


B. i don't think a history of unsuccessful relationships warrants giving up completely. most people gain in experience, learn, and get better with practice.

in my opinion, the key thing is to want to be with the guy, to want to make a life with him. and not just want the relationship. i don't know how prevalent this is, but i do know some people who started the relationship because they wanted to be in one and not because they wanted to be with the other person. it's a gamble like that.


C. yes, i am. i know this because it's what i'm like in general with people in my life, not just with guys i'm interested in building a relationship with. i tend to accept people at face value. i will either like them or not, but i know which way it is. if i like someone there's nothing they can do short of betraying me that will make me change my mind about them. i don't put any principles, ideas or abstract standards above the person himself.

and, i love my friends unconditionally, my romantic interests aren't any different.

[Anocxu]

it's only in the recent years that i've found the idea of settling down with someone appealing. up until the end of my twenties i wasn't interested in relationships.


A. i am capable of sustaining a relationship, and a healthy one. i mean, i also understand what [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] said, that you can't really know for sure, and everyone can fail at it, including myself, but i know i am capable of it with the right guy.


B. i don't think a history of unsuccessful relationships warrants giving up completely. most people gain in experience, learn, and get better with practice.

in my opinion, the key thing is to want to be with the guy, to want to make a life with him. and not just want the relationship. i don't know how prevalent this is, but i do know some people who started the relationship because they wanted to be in one and not because they wanted to be with the other person. it's a gamble like that.


C. yes, i am. i know this because it's what i'm like in general with people in my life, not just with guys i'm interested in building a relationship with. i tend to accept people at face value. i will either like them or not, but i know which way it is. if i like someone there's nothing they can do short of betraying me that will make me change my mind about them. i don't put any principles, ideas or abstract standards above the person himself.

and, i love my friends unconditionally, my romantic interests aren't any different.

Thanks for posting..
Odly enough my childhood dream above any other was to find that single person that truly wanted to be with me and I with him.

The "right person" comment..I am learning is true for some ...yet there is no right person for some of us... any challenge in a relationship can be a deal breaker... some embrace unhealthy rationalizations , cheating ourselves out of love.

For the rest of us that embrace honest , adaptive soul searching...

Our other half is out there somewhere.

[Camfer]

I think A. got his pronouns wrong. If you substitute 'I' for 'you,' it is easier to read his thread.

Now, since this is multiple choice, I pick D.

Oops okay here I go.

A) We've all got differing relationship skills. It's useful to know if you really want a relationship, and if so, what you see yourself building with another person, and what you can bring to cultivate the relationship. It comes down to self awareness. Relationships are living and dynamic. It's not like college admissions, where you are either in or out. You bring what you have and learn along the way.

B) Just because a relationship has completed does not mean it was unsuccessful. It is wise to take time between relationships to reflect upon what worked and what didn't work. Each relationship ideally makes you smarter and better equipped for the next one. If you learn from your past relationships, you bring that wisdom into your current relationship and avoid the same pitfalls. Or at least recognize the pitfalls quickly and make changes.

Let go of the idea that your past relationships were unsuccessful. You learned something and had some good times, right? That is enough.

My rule of thumb is give yourself a week of being single for each month you were in a relationship. If you spent a month with a guy, it takes a week to process. If you were a year with a guy, you might be ready to date again in 12 weeks. If you were 10 years with someone, it might take a couple of years before you can really have the perspective needed to fully embrace another man.

C) We've all got deal breakers. You can't call your love unconditional if you've got deal breakers. For me, physical or mental abuse are deal breakers. Know your limits, state them in advance, and don't sweat the details. By choosing to overlook the little stuff, you can build something great within the boundaries you have consciously set and verbally stated.

Hey Guys..
A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?
(I have stopped completely)

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

This is my First thread of 'substance..' I hope it goes well.

[Gideon]

I think anyone is capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with the -right- person. It's finding that one and MAKING it work that's the key here.

And I'm pretty sure we've all had unsuccessful relationships at some point, yeah? It's the trial and error that helps you along to finding that Mr Right afterall...I say keep trying until you find him and never....never give up.

Lastly, I told Twist seven years ago that my love for him was unconditional and while we've had alot of rough waters and slippery decks(snort)...we've made it through everything that's come our way. Thing is, I can't imagine him doing anything that I couldn't forgive him for. That's not to say there isn't anything I couldn't forgive, just that there isn't anything he -would- do that I couldn't forgive. And I can't think of anything that would ever make me stop loving him

[Virge]

I just dropped in to check messages and saw this... and my priorities went out the window.

Ahead of your questions there's something I think is more important. I've said it in here many times ... "if you are not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you have no right to expect someone to do it for you. If you become the person you want to spend the rest of your life with there will be a line of people around the block willing to do it with you."

That means everything from building up a stable life by yourself, working on your own problems and resolving them before you get into a relationship and they become baggage you carry into it. It means improving yourself every way you can. Here's the short version of the real conversation that happened a few days ago...

Friend: (long sigh.... ) I'm getting tired of waiting for Mister Right. (sigh) I've been lonely so long I don't remember being unlonely. I need a man in life.
Virge: Wait a minute. Twenty minutes ago you were telling about the guys you've been doing it with since I saw you last. You have men in your life.
Friend: Yeah but that's not the same. I need someone to make me feel complete and whole, you know what I mean.
Virge: Yeah. (snicker) You're making yourself out to be a 15 year old rusty car with a broken windshield and bald tires on a used car lot... expecting someone to pick you, complete you, make you whole.
Friend: Well, not to that extreme. I just wish I had a man in my life so I wouldn't be lonely so much.
Virge: here's where you and the rusty car you're trying to sell need to get busy, dummy. Loneliness has nothing to do with having a man in your life. If has to do with you deep on the inside and the way you live.

• You're lonely because you rush home from work, get online to meet guys to hook up for sex and expect that to make you feel less lonely.
  
• You're lonely because you quit time to hang out with friends who care about you so you can hook up with with more guys.
  
• You're lonely because you've started drinking so much and become really obnoxious to people who care about you so they quit hanging out with you.
  
• You're lonely because you're not doing anything to get out of the rut that keeps you lonely.

Friend: Oh God why are you getting on my case? Maybe I need to go.
Virge: I'm not on your case. Honest. I'm only telling you the truth. I'm reaching out to help you. Just think about it a few days and we'll talk about it again. Come on, let's take the dogs for a walk.

End result... we hadn't walked 10 minutes before he was all up in the things I'd mentioned and talking from his heart about them. He saw it and admitted to it. He didn't come out and ask for help but he left all sorts of huge holes for it... and every shred of help offered brought him up about twenty notches. It was a real long walk... hahahahaha!

The moral: If you're looking for a relationship... get your own shit together from the back bumper to the hood and everything under it. THEN put yourself on the sales lot. ... (re-read the blue words above)

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship? [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] and [MENTION=19211]Matt[/MENTION]y are on target. All I can add to that is to stop worrying about it and concentrate on the blue words above.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating? Flip it around and look at it another way. They were not unsuccessful relationships. They were lessons in life that you ought to do your best to learn from -- learn about the people you were involved in, the reasons they failed, and most of all learn about what you did wrong in them. And not make the same mistakes twice. Find the common denominators in the relationships and the types of people you were involved with and stop doing the same things with the same types of people.

C) Are you capable of unconditional love? And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?
I don't believe anyone is incapable of it. Some people just have harder times tapping into their unlimited supply of it. Take a drive up here and hang out for a couple days me with my pups and cats and they'll give you a remedial course on giving and receiving it.

Unconditional love should come with a warning label. Once you start tapping into your ability to give it to one person ... BEWARE... you will slowly creep in to giving it to everyone you know.... and have even more to give than you started out with.

Okay. I'm done. Gotta run and get a few more things done tonight for >>Jay's 30th birthday party<< tomorrow. hahahahahahaha!

[Anocxu]

I think A. got his pronouns wrong. If you substitute 'I' for 'you,' it is easier to read his thread.

Now, since this is multiple choice, I pick D.

Oops okay here I go.

A) We've all got differing relationship skills. It's useful to know if you really want a relationship, and if so, what you see yourself building with another person, and what you can bring to cultivate the relationship. It comes down to self awareness. Relationships are living and dynamic. It's not like college admissions, where you are either in or out. You bring what you have and learn along the way.

B) Just because a relationship has completed does not mean it was unsuccessful. It is wise to take time between relationships to reflect upon what worked and what didn't work. Each relationship ideally makes you smarter and better equipped for the next one. If you learn from your past relationships, you bring that wisdom into your current relationship and avoid the same pitfalls. Or at least recognize the pitfalls quickly and make changes.

Let go of the idea that your past relationships were unsuccessful. You learned something and had some good times, right? That is enough.

My rule of thumb is give yourself a week of being single for each month you were in a relationship. If you spent a month with a guy, it takes a week to process. If you were a year with a guy, you might be ready to date again in 12 weeks. If you were 10 years with someone, it might take a couple of years before you can really have the perspective needed to fully embrace another man.

C) We've all got deal breakers. You can't call your love unconditional if you've got deal breakers. For me, physical or mental abuse are deal breakers. Know your limits, state them in advance, and don't sweat the details. By choosing to overlook the little stuff, you can build something great within the boundaries you have consciously set and verbally stated.

You great points here Camfer..

I have to contest your stance regarding
Healing and Moving on.

Breathing room between relationships is important.

The timeline for "downtime.".. that we hear about so often...
(One week for every month etc)
Personally I disagree strongly with these formulas... so many people abide by them ..move to the next relationship and make ...the same mistakes as they did in previous relationships and when it ends ... as it always does in their case ... They conclude... "that wasn't the right person for me"

An incredibly wise friend gave me this advice...

"You have to experience true enlightenment before you are able to move on"

For some this moment never comes

"Most people slap bandaids on wounds.. they move to the next relationship..things seem ok till these "wounds are scratched"...

Thank you for posting Camf.

[Anocxu]

I think anyone is capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with the -right- person. It's finding that one and MAKING it work that's the key here.

And I'm pretty sure we've all had unsuccessful relationships at some point, yeah? It's the trial and error that helps you along to finding that Mr Right afterall...I say keep trying until you find him and never....never give up.

Lastly, I told Twist seven years ago that my love for him was unconditional and while we've had alot of rough waters and slippery decks(snort)...we've made it through everything that's come our way. Thing is, I can't imagine him doing anything that I couldn't forgive him for. That's not to say there isn't anything I couldn't forgive, just that there isn't anything he -would- do that I couldn't forgive. And I can't think of anything that would ever make me stop loving him

You described amazing qualities that some of us have yet to learn...

I am learning not everyone has these qualities or tools...

I am learning some confuse the wrong tools with the right tools.

I have dated guys before ..
landed myself in situations where their closest friends have hinted ...get out of it!!

I have a few acquaints that I would never set up on a date.
I know they are unable to sustain a healthy relationship.. and in fairness I have to take a long hard look at myself...

Thanks for posting Gideon..

[Anocxu]

I just dropped in to check messages and saw this... and my priorities went out the window.

Ahead of your questions there's something I think is more important. I've said it in here many times ... "if you are not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you have no right to expect someone to do it for you. If you become the person you want to spend the rest of your life with there will be a line of people around the block willing to do it with you."

That means everything from building up a stable life by yourself, working on your own problems and resolving them before you get into a relationship and they become baggage you carry into it. It means improving yourself every way you can. Here's the short version of the real conversation that happened a few days ago...

Friend: (long sigh.... ) I'm getting tired of waiting for Mister Right. (sigh) I've been lonely so long I don't remember being unlonely. I need a man in life.
Virge: Wait a minute. Twenty minutes ago you were telling about the guys you've been doing it with since I saw you last. You have men in your life.
Friend: Yeah but that's not the same. I need someone to make me feel complete and whole, you know what I mean.
Virge: Yeah. (snicker) You're making yourself out to be a 15 year old rusty car with a broken windshield and bald tires on a used car lot... expecting someone to pick you, complete you, make you whole.
Friend: Well, not to that extreme. I just wish I had a man in my life so I wouldn't be lonely so much.
Virge: here's where you and the rusty car you're trying to sell need to get busy, dummy. Loneliness has nothing to do with having a man in your life. If has to do with you deep on the inside and the way you live.

• You're lonely because you rush home from work, get online to meet guys to hook up for sex and expect that to make you feel less lonely.
  
• You're lonely because you quit time to hang out with friends who care about you so you can hook up with with more guys.
  
• You're lonely because you've started drinking so much and become really obnoxious to people who care about you so they quit hanging out with you.
  
• You're lonely because you're not doing anything to get out of the rut that keeps you lonely.
  

Friend: Oh God why are you getting on my case? Maybe I need to go.
Virge: I'm not on your case. Honest. I'm only telling you the truth. I'm reaching out to help you. Just think about it a few days and we'll talk about it again. Come on, let's take the dogs for a walk.

End result... we hadn't walked 10 minutes before he was all up in the things I'd mentioned and talking from his heart about them. He saw it and admitted to it. He didn't come out and ask for help but he left all sorts of huge holes for it... and every shred of help offered brought him up about twenty notches. It was a real long walk... hahahahaha!

The moral: If you're looking for a relationship... get your own shit together from the back bumper to the hood and everything under it. THEN put yourself on the sales lot. ... (re-read the blue words above)

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship? [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] and [MENTION=19211]Matt[/MENTION]y are on target. All I can add to that is to stop worrying about it and concentrate on the blue words above.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating? Flip it around and look at it another way. They were not unsuccessful relationships. They were lessons in life that you ought to do your best to learn from -- learn about the people you were involved in, the reasons they failed, and most of all learn about what you did wrong in them. And not make the same mistakes twice. Find the common denominators in the relationships and the types of people you were involved with and stop doing the same things with the same types of people.

C) Are you capable of unconditional love? And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?
I don't believe anyone is incapable of it. Some people just have harder times tapping into their unlimited supply of it. Take a drive up here and hang out for a couple days me with my pups and cats and they'll give you a remedial course on giving and receiving it.

Unconditional love should come with a warning label. Once you start tapping into your ability to give it to one person ... BEWARE... you will slowly creep in to giving it to everyone you know.... and have even more to give than you started out with.

Okay. I'm done. Gotta run and get a few more things done tonight for >>Jay's 30th birthday party<< tomorrow. hahahahahahaha!

Lol..
After making this thread and reading the first few posts ..
I sat like a 16 year old school girl thinking..
It's so odd Virge isn't all over this.!!
Maybe its my hair?
Maybe my push up bra needs more padding?
There you are.. :-)
Jay's Birthday?
Tell him happy birthday...

Your ability to 'paint' these analogies is awesome...

Honestly I'm going to read this thread from top to bottom again..
It's deep ,chpppy, random, odd and beautiful all at the same time ...
Right now i'm stuck in deep thought ..somewhere between Gideon's , Camfer's post and now yours...

It's 6 am here ...
I've been up since 4...
I'm so loopy..
Will post in a few..

[Lexington]

Not single, but I'll answer anyway.

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

I'll quote a friend of mine from years ago. "I used to look for a perfect partner. Now I'm just looking for someone whose baggage goes well with mine."

If only perfect people should date, we'd all be single. Instead, I just try to find someone who can deal with my imperfections (even as I work on them), just as I look for someone whose imperfections I can deal with.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?

The problem may be me...or the problem may be in my choice of partners. Something to mull over as I continue to try to better myself. But no, I don't think it's necessary to remove myself from the dating pool as I do so.

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

I'm not capable of unconditional love. If a guy I was madly in love with told me...oh, that he likes to torture animals for fun, say...then I wouldn't say "that's OK - I love you anyway." I'd say "get some help, and then we'll talk about resuming this relationship."

Lex