Are You Truly Eligible For A Successful Relationship?

[meridannight]

The "right person" comment..I am learning is true for some ...yet there is no right person for some of us... any challenge in a relationship can be a deal breaker... some embrace unhealthy rationalizations , cheating ourselves out of love.

by the way, by 'right guy' i didn't mean to imply Mr. Right, or any such notion. i don't believe in that. with 'right', i just meant a guy i am interested in. guess i should have been clearer.

there are a number compatible partners for everyone, not just a single one.

[Darius]

Anocxu, let's talk about our dicks and derail your thread like we did meridian's.

[Anocxu]

Not single, but I'll answer anyway.

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

I'll quote a friend of mine from years ago. "I used to look for a perfect partner. Now I'm just looking for someone whose baggage goes well with mine."

If only perfect people should date, we'd all be single. Instead, I just try to find someone who can deal with my imperfections (even as I work on them), just as I look for someone whose imperfections I can deal with.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?

The problem may be me...or the problem may be in my choice of partners. Something to mull over as I continue to try to better myself. But no, I don't think it's necessary to remove myself from the dating pool as I do so.

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

I'm not capable of unconditional love. If a guy I was madly in love with told me...oh, that he likes to torture animals for fun, say...then I wouldn't say "that's OK - I love you anyway." I'd say "get some help, and then we'll talk about resuming this relationship."

Lex

You raised some interesting points here..

I must point out that your reference to unconditional love and staying in a relationship regardless are two different issues.

I have given love unconditionally to another and after dealing with irreconcilable differences in the relationship.. i've had to choose "me"... but i've never stopped loving that person.

You can love a person unconditionally... but they don't necessarily have to be up front and centre in your life....

You comment regarding "baggage is awesome.."

Awesome post Lex.

[Anocxu]

by the way, by 'right guy' i didn't mean to imply Mr. Right, or any such notion. i don't believe in that. with 'right', i just meant a guy i am interested in. guess i should have been clearer.

there are a number compatible partners for everyone, not just a single one.

Understood..
Your initial explanation was clear..
I'm absorbing too much information .. my posts in this thread are kinda loopy..

Thanks for your additional post.

[Anocxu]

Anocxu, let's talk about our dicks and derail your thread like we did meridian's.

I don't like provoking others ..
We just picked the wrong day to mess with him..

Darius, lets put the dicks down for a moment ...

What about you?

Are you looking for love?

Do you think you have the ability to sustain a healthy relationship under the right conditions?

[Spinz]

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

Honestly, "healthy" isn't really what you should be shooting for. Try "barely acceptably dysfunction" or "most of the time I don't want to kill you, but I watch CSI just in case". It's a more realistic target. All relationship that have depth, commitment and passion tend to push you until you're broken. They make you learn about who you really are, especially the parts you don't know about yourself (or don't care to find out.). That part of you is a breeding ground for dysfunction. Of course, then there is his stuff you're gonna tough out too.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?
(I have stopped completely)

You will probable repeat the same things you've already encountered in past relationship with anyone new you date, that just real. So choose well and someone worth going through all that AND more. Look for emotional maturity and a developed ability to resolve problems. Someone that can say,, "Sorry", and mean it. Look for for someone with morals. Do not go for looks, the body or shallow things. They are just lucky additions that are more distractions than benefits. It might sound like it's easier to forgive a hot guy than a plain one, but that's wrong. It's easier to forgive someone you know wants to work with you and tries.

Should you stop trying to get what you want? Not if you really want it. Pain is part of life. So is joy and blah blah blah. But you stop going for it and the blah blah stops, and in my opinion, thats worse.

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

You just do it. You do it even in spite of yourself. You love even if it's a lie and you do it even if it's an act. Unconditional love is a commitment of the highest order. If you commit then the reality that you might not get it back is also part of it. It's something you do, not what you get. It's. It something you're ca able of, it's part of being grown up and doing it like its your Job, and your duty.

With all that said, go out there and get it! You sound like you're at the cliff's edge and about to jump. JUMP! Take that leap of faith. But remember, once you jump, you're gonna be focused, find what you're looking for, tackle it and make it yours. COMMIT!

P.S. The "genie's wish" rules apply here. You ask for it, you'll get it, but just a bit twisted and in a way that fulfills the wish, but isn't exactly what your looking for. Part of real, deep, true love is accepting that it's not exactly what you wanted, and parts aren't even close, but you still love them, and yourself, anyway.

[rado84]

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?
(I have stopped completely)

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

A) Because I was already in such a relationship, altough now I think we just got lucky cuz we were young. May be even too young (he was 15, I was 17) for a relationship but somehow we managed to "survive" (so to speak) for 3 years together. It would have been a lot longer if his parents hadn't decided to live in USA for a whole decade.

B) I do have a history of unsuccessful relationships. Probably everyone here has. And I've stopped dating women, cuz I'm bi. 3 years was my longest relationship with a boy and 6 months with a girl, so it's no surprise I don't wanna deal with women ever again but I won't permanently stop dating boys.
I've noticed myself I get along with boys a lot better than I do with girls, so I'm not giving up just yet, altough I've put dates on hold for a while.

C) As for this question I'm not quite sure what do you mean by "unconditional love".

[Anocxu]

A)
Honestly, "healthy" isn't really what you should be shooting for. Try "barely acceptably dysfunction" or "most of the time I don't want to kill you,

Lmao..lol..
I have never looked at it that way.
Believe me I am not making fun of your comment..
It is really a clever way to look at things...

All relationships that have depth, commitment and passion tend to push you until you're broken. They make you learn about who you really are, especially the parts you don't know about yourself (or don't care to find out.).

I agree...
This I am aware of and will tell my significant other my faults (the ones i'm aware of).. sometimes long before they ever see them.
Always ready and willing to grow into a better version of myself .

My friends have revealed to me that I attract narcissistic men.... They say I have the ability to soften the hardest hearts..
They have also revealed that I have never ever chosen a guy...
Guys choose me..

I end up spending tons of time with a particular guy..
If I see him pretty much sticking to me all the time..
I.. will ask if a relationship is what he's aiming for after a few months...then we'll go for it...

Guys choose me..and they somehow fit the same psychological profile...

Needy,
Narcissistic,
Delusional,
Selfish,
Irrational,
Alcoholics

^^^^
I'm sure I have these traits..
Especially if i've been rationalizing terrible behaviour from some exes.

It's something I'm working on.

Note.
(I don't drink much...
I've had a beer and 2 glasses of wine in the last 2 months)

You will probable repeat the same things you've already encountered in past relationship with anyone new you date, that just real. So choose well and someone worth going through all that AND more.

I have..
I have a terrible habit of shutting down completely..
I'll point out an issue ..work at it...
Ask what 'we ' need to do to make things better give it time .. if the same issues keep re-occurring...
I feel stuck... usually major issues.
I seem to be ready and willing to make changes..
My partners are usually stuck in their ways.

Look for emotional maturity and a developed ability to resolve problems. Someone that can say,, "Sorry", and mean it. Look for for someone with morals.

This I am at fault ...
I end up with guys that think they are amazing...
By their own standards.
I know I am faulty...
I expect any rational adult to realize they are also.

I've been good at dating smarter guys..
I'm not very shallow when it comes to looks...

I just have pet peeves with guys that put absolutely no effort into themselves.. but go for guys that do.

Should you stop trying to get what you want? Not if you really want it. Pain is part of life. So is joy and blah blah blah. But you stop going for it and the blah blah stops, and in my opinion, thats worse.

Golden advice..
Well noted...
Much appreciated...
Most mentioned above already in practice...

Your post is giving me a new spin ..

C) Are you capable of unconditional love..
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

You just do it. You do it even in spite of yourself. You love even if it's a lie and you do it even if it's an act. Unconditional love is a commitment of the highest order. If you commit then the reality that you might not get it back is also part of it. It's something you do, not what you get.

This is one thing I was lucky to learn at an early age from.. .
My mom and sisters,
And one lesson I've appreciated from the bible even though I'm not a model christian.

It is something you're ca able of, it's part of being grown up and doing it like its your Job, and your duty.

This is the reason I made the thread.,. More people than we could ever imagine... will never grasp this concept .. and will only be capable until they do...
If at all...

You sound like you're at the cliff's edge and about to jump. JUMP! Take that leap of faith. But remember, once you jump, you're gonna be focused, find what you're looking for, tackle it and make it yours. COMMIT!

I love how you word these goals.
I have no trouble , nor have I had any trouble doing these things...
I honestly need to do them better...
Now I will stumble and fumble...I have absolutely no apprehensions telling my partner that I am trying and will probably need their input or guidance...
I am good at keeping ego and foolish pride out of my relationships.
I really wish I could say the same for my ex partners.

I can't begin to express my grattitude..
I really do appreciate you kicking my ass in gear..

This thread has become my diary...
I'll read it constantly till I can put these post into practice...
Thank you...

[Anocxu]

A) Because I was already in such a relationship, altough now I think we just got lucky cuz we were young. May be even too young (he was 15, I was 17) for a relationship but somehow we managed to "survive"

I think that's awesome!!
I think you got a taste of it at an early age...
I am learning the level of maturity that sustains a relationship.

I was a late bloomer..
First dated at age 26...
Lost my virginity at age 24 3/4 almost 25...

B) I do have a history of unsuccessful relationships. Probably everyone here has. And I've stopped dating women, cuz I'm bi. 3 years was my longest relationship with a boy and 6 months with a girl, so it's no surprise I don't wanna deal with women ever again but I won't permanently stop dating boys.
I've noticed myself I get along with boys a lot better than I do with girls, so I'm not giving up just yet, altough I've put dates on hold for a while.

The collective advice from posters in this thread...

A) As long as you're not hiding or running.

B) Keep working at it even though you're not involved at the moment.

[/QUOTE]
C) As for this question I'm not quite sure what do you mean by "unconditional love".[/QUOTE]

It's all over this thread...
You have to read the posts..
It's amazing how the definition expands from person to person...

It makes you question everything you thought you knew... and reinforces everything you did.

Thanks for posting...

[Virge]

Hey @Anocoxadoodledanger

A couple of other things I ought to tell you that Jay and I have learned to do...

In the relationship there's three entities. There's the "Me" and the "You" and the "Us."
The "Me" and the "You" essentially work for the "Us"... As long as we keep the "Us" happy, the "Us" keeps the "me" and the "you" happy.

If the "me" and the "you" get into a disagreement... all it takes is for either the "me" or the "you" to ask, "what's better for the "Us?" Then we throw our egos back in their cages and do what's the in best interest of the "Us."

Ego clashes are the #1 common factor in relationship conflicts being blown up and becoming major problems... It's just about always the same mechanics... two people arguing for the imaginary glory of being right about something stupid that doesn't amount to shit... and I know you know people like that who've broken up with each other just because both of them wanted to be right about something stupid more than pay attention to doing right.... Start watching threads from N00bies in here and see how many of them are like this.

In the PMs you and I did we talked about the way resentment can mess things up. I'm still talking with Jay about that to understand it better... First comes resentment for something one partner has done or didn't do.. then comes the stifling of the feelings to keep from sounding like a bitch... and from there things fall apart.

And there's no reason to go around saying "I love you" all the time. There's tons of ways to show it that don't cost money and mean lots more. ...

@Anocxu