Are You Truly Eligible For A Successful Relationship?

[Anocxu]

Hey @Anocoxadoodledanger

A couple of other things I ought to tell you that Jay and I have learned to do...

In the relationship there's three entities. There's the "Me" and the "You" and the "Us."
The "Me" and the "You" essentially work for the "Us"... As long as we keep the "Us" happy, the "Us" keeps the "me" and the "you" happy.

If the "me" and the "you" get into a disagreement... all it takes is for either the "me" or the "you" to ask, "what's better for the "Us?" Then we throw our egos back in their cages and do what's the in best interest of the "Us."

Ego clashes are the #1 common factor in relationship conflicts being blown up and becoming major problems... It's just about always the same mechanics... two people arguing for the imaginary glory of being right about something stupid that doesn't amount to shit... and I know you know people like that who've broken up with each other just because both of them wanted to be right about something stupid more than pay attention to doing right.... Start watching threads from N00bies in here and see how many of them are like this.

In the PMs you and I did we talked about the way resentment can mess things up. I'm still talking with Jay about that to understand it better... First comes resentment for something one partner has done or didn't do.. then comes the stifling of the feelings to keep from sounding like a bitch... and from there things fall apart.

And there's no reason to go around saying "I love you" all the time. There's tons of ways to show it that don't cost money and mean lots more. ...

@Anocxu

You know VirGerryCurlGel.

I feed this concept to my ex partners... sounds good to everyone.. till it has to be put into practice.

I do understand what Symbiosis does for relationships ....
My version of 'us' and my exes version seem to be different...
Always ending up in one sided relationships.
My friends have pointed it out and it's something I need to change...
Learning how every way I can.

It would be so much easier if it turned out I was a sefish delusional guy that has just been enlightened..
.. This way I could go back to Exes... apologize.. make ammends...That sounds easier to repair than repeatedly choosing guys that are bad for me...
Those issues require a massive overhaul on my part..


I truly have been doing the work...
Loving selflessly..
Tirelessly devoting...
And usually taken for granted in horrible ways.
Its not easy reading this thread and realizing my flaws vs. Wasted efforts.

I guess I can only get better at getting better.

I think i'll go stick my penis in my George Forman grill now...
Thanks Virgilooseass.


Ps.
Darius only has one testicle .

[rado84]

C) As for this question I'm not quite sure what do you mean by "unconditional love".

It's all over this thread...
You have to read the posts..
It's amazing how the definition expands from person to person...

It makes you question everything you thought you knew... and reinforces everything you did.

Thanks for posting...

From what I just read I think I know now what this means. And I'm not sure I'm capable of such a love anymore. My relationship with that boy - I think it can be called unconditional love. I was so crazy about him and when we had to break up because he was moving to USA, that nearly destroyed me. I felt like someone had cut my limbs off. The worst part was that I couldn't tell anyone the reason for my gloomy mood which laster a little longer than 6 years. Back then I wasn't even thinking about my sexuality. I just knew I loved him and it was all that mattered at the time. Besides, I wasn't sure how my friends would react if I told them. Now I don't think I'll ever forget him. Especially since I named my PC after him.
After that there was this girl who I dated 6 months. She used me and for this now I don't think I can feel anything deeper than the simple "I wanna fuck you" for women. You can say I almost hated women cuz she wasn't the only one who mocked at my feelings.
As for men, I'm still not sure I'm capable of unconditional love cuz after that boy I only had random intercourses with men and no serious relationships - I just didn't care anymore.

[Anocxu]

From what I just read I think I know now what this means. And I'm not sure I'm capable of such a love anymore. My relationship with that boy - I think it can be called unconditional love. I was so crazy about him and when we had to break up because he was moving to USA, that nearly destroyed me. I felt like someone had cut my limbs off. The worst part was that I couldn't tell anyone the reason for my gloomy mood which laster a little longer than 6 years. Back then I wasn't even thinking about my sexuality. I just knew I loved him and it was all that mattered at the time. Besides, I wasn't sure how my friends would react if I told them. Now I don't think I'll ever forget him. Especially since I named my PC after him.
After that there was this girl who I dated 6 months. She used me and for this now I don't think I can feel anything deeper than the simple "I wanna fuck you" for women. You can say I almost hated women cuz she wasn't the only one who mocked at my feelings.
As for men, I'm still not sure I'm capable of unconditional love cuz after that boy I only had random intercourses with men and no serious relationships - I just didn't care anymore.

If you've done it before...
You're still capable...
You cannot unlearn unconditional love...
Broken ,apprehensive and defensive?...(like me?) most of us posting here have been there...

...Did you see what others posted about pain going with the turf?
The leap?
Falling will hurt if your significant other or lack of guidance isn't there to catch you....
...it's all apart of it...

You get up..brush yourself off...
Climb out of your anguish...and jump again.

Now...
Be smarter about it this time.
Leap for someone that without hesitation....
Will leap for you.

See how these guys have me schooled?

With this knowledge I will be the greatest prostitute ever!!!


Ps.
Darius won't remove his dentures during oral.

[rado84]

With this knowledge I will be the greatest prostitute ever!!!

Leap for someone that without hesitation....
Will leap for you.

There's no way of knowing who would do that, so I found my own way to avoid pain in the future: if I catch myself I'm about to feel something more than the usual liking, I start making a list of repulsive things about that person and I focus on them. That way I prevent myself from making the same mistake again.

[Anocxu]

start making a list of repulsive things about that person and I focus on them. That way I prevent myself from making the same mistake again.

Don't go locking up your heart now...
Focus on healing...
Don't cheat yourself out of something beautiful.

[rado84]

There's a saying in my country which I can not translate because it's in Old-Bulgarian but it refers to a cat who walked on a hot iron rooftop and burned her paws and the next time she saw another iron rooftop she would walk around it. Which matches my case.

[Anocxu]

There's a saying in my country which I can not translate because it's in Old-Bulgarian but it refers to a cat who walked on a hot iron rooftop and burned her paws and the next time she saw another iron rooftop she would walk around it. Which matches my case.

In reality Rado..
We have to be smart about all matters ..
Including that of the heart.
I guess there is nothing for us to do but get better..
Dobre'?

[rado84]

I guess there is nothing for us to do but get better..
Dobre'?

Dobre but it's easier said than done. Especially after you got hurt once.

[trywait]

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

prior to sustaining a healthy relationship with others, you will need a healthy relationship with yourself. like the saying goes, if you don't like yourself, how can you expect someone to like you at least? granted there's a fine line between self-confidence and being conceited.

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?

the optimist in me will keep trying. rather than focusing on why each relationship was unsuccessful, take it as a learning experience...

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

love has its many forms. romantic love isn't always a bed of roses either. it's what you two do together. like what that William macy said in magnolia: " I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it! "

[RevChasBM]

ANCXU ... I pastor an LGBT Affirming church in Dallas. My partner and I have been together 14 years and we were finally able to marry on Oct 10th of this year. Having said that; you are absolutely right to question whether or not you may be ready for a successful long term/life long love relationship. In truth, most people are not. The issues which affected our past, including our upbringing, abuses, etc all impact how we deal with issues that affect relationships. The good news is, however, that one need not stop dating all together just because they are not yet ready for that one true love. The problem is that too many people, straight and gay, do not allow for relationships to grow and mature. They leap into commitment before they even know the other person. This is a HUGE mistake! And then, when they do start to get to know the other person, they start seeing issue after issue that they do not like or uncomfortable with, but sadly they have already placed themselves in a "committed" position, and it is now extremely difficult to back away. Understand that dating is meant to be a process wherby you get to know the other guy. Let dating take it's time! Do not be in a rush! While it may easy to romanticize the notion that "true love" is instant and swift, the reality is very different. My partner and I were together 8 years before we moved in together. We chose to live nearby each other for many years, but we maintained our own dwellings. Insecurity and lack of trust destroy relationships. If you are so afraid of losing your love interest or their cheating on you if you do not keep them on a short leash and live together, then it may be that neither of you are anywhere near ready for such a step. The longer you date, the more you get to know one another. And it is far easier to back away from a toxic or bad situation if you are still maintaining separate dwellings. Dating also helps us to learn more about ourselves. We get to see first hand what we really do appreciate and like in another individual, and we see more clearly what we do not care for at all. Spend a little time preparing yourself for that eventual (as it will eventually come) true love. Read a book or two. I am always recommending a book titled, "Permanent Partners - Building Gay & Lesbian Relationships That Last)" by Betty Berzon (Available through Amazon online). Most people think that love and relationships are supposed to simply happen "naturally," but that is not the case. Success in love and commitment is very much dependent upon many factors. One of those factors is preparation, and most people fail miserably in this area. So do a little homework, date - but go slow, and enjoy the process. When you no longer feel desperate to find love and learn to be OK being single and dating, true love will ultimately find you. God bless.