Are You Truly Eligible For A Successful Relationship?

[jimcrackcorn]

ANCXU ... I pastor an LGBT Affirming church in Dallas. My partner and I have been together 14 years and we were finally able to marry on Oct 10th of this year. Having said that; you are absolutely right to question whether or not you may be ready for a successful long term/life long love relationship. In truth, most people are not. The issues which affected our past, including our upbringing, abuses, etc all impact how we deal with issues that affect relationships. The good news is, however, that one need not stop dating all together just because they are not yet ready for that one true love. The problem is that too many people, straight and gay, do not allow for relationships to grow and mature. They leap into commitment before they even know the other person. This is a HUGE mistake! And then, when they do start to get to know the other person, they start seeing issue after issue that they do not like or uncomfortable with, but sadly they have already placed themselves in a "committed" position, and it is now extremely difficult to back away. Understand that dating is meant to be a process wherby you get to know the other guy. Let dating take it's time! Do not be in a rush! While it may easy to romanticize the notion that "true love" is instant and swift, the reality is very different. My partner and I were together 8 years before we moved in together. We chose to live nearby each other for many years, but we maintained our own dwellings. Insecurity and lack of trust destroy relationships. If you are so afraid of losing your love interest or their cheating on you if you do not keep them on a short leash and live together, then it may be that neither of you are anywhere near ready for such a step. The longer you date, the more you get to know one another. And it is far easier to back away from a toxic or bad situation if you are still maintaining separate dwellings. Dating also helps us to learn more about ourselves. We get to see first hand what we really do appreciate and like in another individual, and we see more clearly what we do not care for at all. Spend a little time preparing yourself for that eventual (as it will eventually come) true love. Read a book or two. I am always recommending a book titled, "Permanent Partners - Building Gay & Lesbian Relationships That Last)" by Betty Berzon (Available through Amazon online). Most people think that love and relationships are supposed to simply happen "naturally," but that is not the case. Success in love and commitment is very much dependent upon many factors. One of those factors is preparation, and most people fail miserably in this area. So do a little homework, date - but go slow, and enjoy the process. When you no longer feel desperate to find love and learn to be OK being single and dating, true love will ultimately find you. God bless.

Hi Pastor,,, welcome to the forum.

Man!!!! eight years of dating before moving in together seems overly cautious. What kept you two from moving in together sooner?

sincerely,
Jim

[RevChasBM]

Tommy and I had some very unique situations and circumstances. For one thing he grew up in a pseudo-Christian cult (Jehovah's Witnesses), so in order for him to be able to have a relationship and communication with his parents, it was very needful that we be as descreet as humanly possible. But we also had issues in our relationship related to faith/beliefs. My faith is VERY real to me and I will not compromise what I truly believe, for anyone. We eventually were able to wrk through all our issues, but it did take an extraordinary amount of time. I do not ean to suggest that all couples would need to wait for eight years specifically, but my point is that one can wait as long as necessary, for whatever reasons, so long as the trust and personal security factors are present. I generally suggest to folks in our church that it is wise not to rent a U-Haul until you have dated at least one year. In many instances that may not be enough time, but it is far smarter than rushing into a live in situation after a few weeks or months. Or so me thinks anyway! LOL

[Anocxu]

ANCXU ... I pastor an LGBT Affirming church in Dallas. My partner and I have been together 14 years and we were finally able to marry on Oct 10th of this year. Having said that; you are absolutely right to question whether or not you may be ready for a successful long term/life long love relationship. In truth, most people are not. The issues which affected our past, including our upbringing, abuses, etc all impact how we deal with issues that affect relationships. The good news is, however, that one need not stop dating all together just because they are not yet ready for that one true love. The problem is that too many people, straight and gay, do not allow for relationships to grow and mature. They leap into commitment before they even know the other person. This is a HUGE mistake! And then, when they do start to get to know the other person, they start seeing issue after issue that they do not like or uncomfortable with, but sadly they have already placed themselves in a "committed" position, and it is now extremely difficult to back away. Understand that dating is meant to be a process wherby you get to know the other guy. Let dating take it's time! Do not be in a rush! While it may easy to romanticize the notion that "true love" is instant and swift, the reality is very different. My partner and I were together 8 years before we moved in together. We chose to live nearby each other for many years, but we maintained our own dwellings. Insecurity and lack of trust destroy relationships. If you are so afraid of losing your love interest or their cheating on you if you do not keep them on a short leash and live together, then it may be that neither of you are anywhere near ready for such a step. The longer you date, the more you get to know one another. And it is far easier to back away from a toxic or bad situation if you are still maintaining separate dwellings. Dating also helps us to learn more about ourselves. We get to see first hand what we really do appreciate and like in another individual, and we see more clearly what we do not care for at all. Spend a little time preparing yourself for that eventual (as it will eventually come) true love. Read a book or two. I am always recommending a book titled, "Permanent Partners - Building Gay & Lesbian Relationships That Last)" by Betty Berzon (Available through Amazon online). Most people think that love and relationships are supposed to simply happen "naturally," but that is not the case. Success in love and commitment is very much dependent upon many factors. One of those factors is preparation, and most people fail miserably in this area. So do a little homework, date - but go slow, and enjoy the process. When you no longer feel desperate to find love and learn to be OK being single and dating, true love will ultimately find you. God bless.

That was awesome! !
Thanks Reverend !!

I am learning definately a mess of a work in progress. . But somehow still able to offer kindness and love without prejudice...

So just to keep it short. .
I'll say..
Thanks again. .
And..
will you stick around?

[Anocxu]

Hi Pastor,,, welcome to the forum.

Man!!!! eight years of dating before moving in together seems overly cautious. What kept you two from moving in together sooner?

sincerely,
Jim

To ensure a successful relationship Jimmy...
Pastor built his relationship meaningfully and cautiously. .

Gosh Jim!!
Must I do ALL your homework?
Huh?
What next Jimmy?!!!

Take your prostate exams too!!?

Sheesh!!

<Jet Pack Fleeeeeeeeeeee>

( He's gonna hang me.!!. rotfl )

[jimcrackcorn]

To ensure a successful relationship Jimmy...
Pastor built his relationship meaningfully and cautiously. .

Gosh Jim!!
Must I do ALL your homework?
Huh?
What next Jimmy?!!!

Take your prostate exams too!!?

Sheesh!!

<Jet Pack Fleeeeeeeeeeee>

( He's gonna hang me.!!. rotfl )

Listen here,,, you overly developed Miami muscle hunk..... If you don't stop being nice to me - I'm gonna take my marbles and go to a rougher place to play!!!!

Signed,
Wimpy LePuuuuu

[Anocxu]

Listen here,,, you overly developed Miami muscle hunk..... If you don't stop being nice to me - I'm gonna take my marbles and go to a rougher place to play!!!!

Signed,
Wimpy LePuuuuu

Lmao...
Got your attention. ..

I won't derail. .
So I'll stop here ..
Giant Hugs..
<GLeeeeeeeeeeee>

[jimcrackcorn]

Lmao...
Got your attention. ..

I won't derail. .
So I'll stop here ..
Giant Hugs..
<GLeeeeeeeeeeee>

Honey,,, this thread is too old to fear derailing. Time already did that (smile)..

Now give me another one of those hugs... I'm a needy person!!!!

[Anocxu]

Come here Jimmy!!

[Anocxu]

Ok fine...

[Insertnamehere]

A) How do you know if you are eligible or capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?

B) If you have a history of unsuccessful relationships ... Is it wise to continue dating?
(I have stopped completely)

C) Are you capable of unconditional love?
And...
How do you know that you are capable of unconditional love?

This is a whole lot of "I dunno man"

I'm inexperienced, a closet case, awkward as hell, too much of an introvert irl..and some of those things need to be improved first, so I guess I'm not yet ready for a relationship, if I had to make an assessment.

Now whether I'd be eligible or not for one, the above notwithstanding, I can't say...

The second one does not apply to me

The third.....I dunno...don't even know what love is supposed to feel like, let alone unconditional love.