Ending a 7 year relationship

[Steve]

Okay, so something Steve said really got me thinking.

Before seeking your advice I hadn't considered that he might have an addiction to the attention he was getting and that this was just a slip up on his road to recovery.

So on Sunday night when he came back from a friends we sat and talked for a long time. The end result is that we are going to try and be a couple again. In all other aspects of our relationship we work perfectly and neither of us wants to give it up.

I've looked into counseling and he has agreed to go and speak with someone and I've agreed to join him in any of his sessions if he wants me there.

I can only thank you all. You've allowed me to see through my anger and while I don't think I'll ever forgive him I'm working to understand our problems.

I'm happy that we could help. I hate seeing a good relationship come undone when counseling is an option left unopened. Addiction recovery is a long road. If he shows that he is honestly trying to understand and change his behavior my advice is to stand strong behind him and show him support. Addiction is a disease and while it doesn't excuse his behavior, it can explain it in terms not based upon moral failings.

Truly he'll need your support. Conversely you'll need to be aware if problematic behavior becomes apparent and talk calmly with him about it. Try not to be a hawk over him, watching his every move, but remain vigilant. The two of you will need to learn how to reestablish trust; counseling could potentially help you both discover how to do that with less fumbling in the dark.

Last, really try to figure out how to forgive him. It does neither of you any good to harbor ill will. It ends up being ammunition for a fight with words you can never take back. Forgiveness doesn't have to happen quickly, and you know it won't come easily, but life tests us and our relationships in hard ways. I know that he's hurt you terribly. Please don't turn that hurt into ugly baggage that you will have to lug around for the rest of your life. Life's too short to carry a sore that won't heal. You have to be good to yourself and your own mental health too. Give it time. You will always remember, but the memories can bring us strength in later years.

Stay positive, stay patient, stay strong. Please feel free to come back and talk to us at GS no matter the outcome... you can never have too many friends (unless you're on FaceBook).

Take care of you.

-Steve

[Beaux]

Wow, was not planning on commenting, but it seems I need to. He isn't addicted to sex-- there is no such thing as a "Sex Addict"-- look it up.
He is a lying, cheating, dog. Accept it. Deal with it. Move on.
~Beaux

[East]

Damn......
Well....there is no easy way to go about this and whatever the outcome...it will be a difficult door to walk though...

Though not the same..but similar conditions...I have been in your shoes...and it was difficult for me as well....

The bottom line that I can see...if you stay...you will have to accept his "habit" ...and that will be a very difficult thing to do IMO..more difficult than my own situation in the past. I am fairly certain I would not be able to accept this as it stands...

Trying to place myself in your situation...the only thing I can think of if you decide to stay or give him another chance is that he needs to get in touch with whatever it is that motivates him to do these things....

It can be alot of things that bring him to this place...so if the door stays open for you both...I would encourage you to insist he begin to figure out what kind of influences have led him to this place...

It is alot easier for me to forgive someone for something if they own it...and make me understand what they are doing.....

One more thing...I am glad you wrote this out...that can also help alot...

Good luck to you with whatever it is you decide to do....

[MikeW]

I've looked into counselling and he has agreed to go and speak with someone and I've agreed to join him in any of his sessions if he wants me there.

I can only thank you all. You've allowed me to see through my anger and while I don't think I'll ever forgive him I'm working to understand our problems.

I agree with [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION], I think it is a good thing you've written this all out. I'm glad you came here and asked for our opinions/advice. As you see, there is some diversity. It appears, too, the overall feeling is this is going to be, as my old dad used to say, "a hard row to hoe."

Relationships are complicated. I'm of the opinion that *all of us*(more or less) are "damaged." That is, we all have psychological baggage of one sort or another. SOME of us have dug into it a bit and tried to understand it, or at least some of it. So, if I'm right, all relationships come with baggage of one sort or another from both parties.

I have no great pearls of wisdom for you. I'm glad your partner is willing to seek professional counseling and I encourage you to do the same if that's possible. You may even want to do this independently of your partner. I say this in part because it seems to me, from all you've said, that you're the kind of person who tries very hard to be understanding. Well, that's a good thing. But I wonder how well you understand yourself? I'm thinking especially in the arena of personal boundaries. What are yours? How do you see them and maintain them? NOTE: I'm not asking you to answer these questions publicly. I'm suggesting you ask yourself these questions and think about it. In fact, I encourage you to not answer publicly, at least not now.

Love requires respect and respect means knowing and accepting another person's personal needs and boundaries. But it isn't only respecting the needs and boundaries of the other: One must respect one's own needs and boundaries. I don't know, but from what you've said, I suspect you need to look at this for yourself very carefully and honestly.

In any case, don't be a stranger here. Feel free to just "hang out" and "talk" with us in the various threads. This doesn't all have to be about problems or issues or drama. It can be a place to let off steam, to goof around, to think, to give your opinion on something someone says, advice, perhaps... This is an open "social gathering" that, I hope, is somehow helpful to all of us who participate. I know it is for me.

[Rareboy]

Well, I suspect you are just hilling the silt atop your own tomb, but good luck with all of this.

I think if you simply accept that he's a functional sociopath who is going to cheat on you, you'll be able to work things out.

[Darius]

The danger in calling this (or anything else) an addiction is to place the blame somewhere other than on ourselves. It's better to call this a "choice", I think. He has chosen to seek sexual satisfaction by having cyber sex. 20113, it must be significant to you that he is doing this in secret, right?

I'm not saying your relationship is over, but he needs to own his choices and recognize that they have consequences and the damage he is doing to you and your relationship is one of them.

Good luck, just be honest with yourself and encourage him to do the same.

[matty7]

im not reading other peoples post just yet so I can write my own quick view - im sorry he's done this to you and if I were you I would do exactly what you are doing now = break up with him ... as for him ...theses things sound like he's addicted to doing this sexting type of thing and cant give up...not without help anyway - has he actually gone with any of these men ? if he has then show him the door when u can afford to or leave yourself - if not, then its some attention addiction gone too far - how to fix that is up to him... and do you want to put yourself through that too or just move on - all the best anyway..sorry it turned out like it has as 7 years is a hell of a long time

[Steve]

Before GS members rush in to correct me, I am well aware that the AMA and APA do not currently recognize hypersexuality, aka sexual addiction, as a diagnosable condition listed in the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). I have done my research, and I am somewhat familiar with the ongoing debate. The largest current obstacle preventing compulsive sexual behavior from being included in the DSM is a primary lack of research resulting in good clinical data. Such research provides the beginnings of the pathology toward medical treatment.

"We don't want to mislabel or inaccurately diagnose people, so we make the threshold (...for diagnosis of hypersexuality to be included in the DSM...) much higher...People are generally reluctant to pathologize sex, which made hypersexual disorder a target for added scrutiny...Right now sex addiction is not an official diagnosis. Neither is hypersexual disorder. Regardless of this, if someone feels their sexual behavior is problematic, they should seek help. I don't think something has to have a disorder in order to be worthy of the attention of a mental health professional."

-Dr. Rory Reid, a research psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the Semel Institute of Neuroscience and Human Behavior at UCLA and the principal investigator for the DSM's field trial for hypersexual disorder.

The long and short of it is that persons seeking treatment for such disorders won't be officially recognized by the AMA, or APA, with a diagnosis including terms like sexual addiction, hypersexuality, or compulsive sexual behavior. That said, the subject is not closed and research and examination of theory and evidence is ongoing. Those people seeking help for such problems are still being treated, albeit with alternate accepted diagnosis' titles. This is done not only because people who seek treatment are in dire need of help, but often because insurance companies will not accept claims for treatment for mental disorders not listed in the DSM or officially recognized by the AMA and APA.

Simply because it is not current included in the DSM, and the AMA does not currently recognize sexual addition, or hypersexuality, as a disorder does not mean the condition does not exist. Stop immediately thinking in terms of knee jerk reaction due to personal moral conviction. Spitting out faulty advice based solely on emotional response isn't helpful, especially when presented in the less-than-thoughtful manner I have read in this thread.

Also known as sexual compulsion or sexual dependency, the condition of being addicted to sex is considered by some to be a form of obsessive-compulsive behavior, as it can dominate a person's life. Sex addiction is often solely attributed to men, but the condition can affect anyone: It is estimated that between 18 million and 24 million Americans—between 6% and 8% of the population—experience some kind of sexual addiction, and of this number, up to 12% are women.

Sex addiction is generally characterized by a pattern of increasing, repeated sexual behavior, which is often uncontrollable despite that person's intentions and efforts to stop the behavior. Acting to fulfill one's intense and frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies will often take priority over family, friends, and work. As with any addiction, problematic thoughts and behaviors may be rationalized and the addiction denied, even when the condition develops to such an extent that it causes the loss of intimate relationships, family, friends, or one's career.
----------------------------------GoodTherapy.org

The DSM, the American Psychiatric Association, and the American Medical Association are constantly evolving as medical research permits them to reach definitive clinical diagnosis parameters. None of that is possible without scientific method, and ongoing treatment for those individuals seeking help for this condition.

Below is a link to Mayo Clinic, a reputable source for medical information online. It's worthy to note that a prestigious medical hospital is not only defining compulsive sexual behavior (also named sexual addiction in the definition provided), but they also have developed a loose list of symptoms to watch out for and a step by step treatment program. Huh.

Compulsive Sexual Behavior

So it turns out the sexual addition, aka compulsive sexual disorder, is being taken seriously as a real disorder and not just some dodge celebrities use as public relations control damage. Well I'll be damned. So instead of immediately thinking "He cheated, dump him," it turns out that there may be reasons why he behaves the way he does and not all of them are moral deficiencies. Perhaps people shouldn't automatically assume the worst. It's possible that people should seek counseling and put in the hard work a long term relationship needs to function. Maybe finding a better understanding of the dynamic between two people and where each individual may need help is preferable to throwing years shared experience away.

The answering post 20113 provided contained an interesting statement that I believe members took as fanciful thinking rather than as coming from a discussion between two people with intimate knowledge of a seven year relationship under their belts.

...So on Sunday night when he came back from a friends we sat and talked for a long time. The end result is that we are going to try and be a couple again. In all other aspects of our relationship we work perfectly and neither of us wants to give it up....

I couldn't easily dismiss such a thoughtful observation, as so many others have. All the other aspects of their relationship work. Are any of us really going to tell them that they shouldn't at least try to help that one part, however crucial, to function? All I'm suggesting is qualified therapy, not an unconditional surrender to infidelity.

I am not attempting to defend the actions of infidelity, straight or gay. If two people have tried to work on their problems through real counseling, have honestly and calmly talked without the acid of anger or a blade named judgement at their neck, have committed to the really tough work and ongoing maintenance that can keep a long term relationship alive...if they've done these things in earnest and the problems persist or worsen, then by all means I'd honestly be prepared tell them that separation is probably the only remaining answer.

I'm not blind nor is this my first time around the block, and I'll grant you that the circumstances described are suspect. No one will dispute that. Additionally I'd be the last person to tell someone in these circumstances to stay in a relationship with a partner who has not committed to a course of therapy, continually disregards counseling or is actively abusive. But even if the medical establishment hasn't found its way to a sanctioned conclusive diagnosis there are likely explanations and good treatment options available for hypersexual (for those of you who dislike the term addiction) behavior. It may be time to learn how to treat "the seven year itch" rather than simply take the easiest route possible and separate or divorce. I guess to that end it really depends on how you define love, and how much you want to salvage the relationship.

Many of you who know me will understand exactly why mental health issues are so close to my heart. It has been my view for many years that most people don't really understand mental health issues. Occam's razor doesn't always apply. Please keep an open mind before you go plundering about in my backyard.