Could someone fall in love with me?

[andresrey]

Ugh, to be honest i don't know what I'm doing here, but I guess it was necessary.

My name is Andres, I'm 16 and just a few months ago I began to came out as gay to some of my friends, first I came out to the ones that I met through internet, then I began with the gay ones, the gayfriendly ones and when I felt brave enough... I came out to my mom, it was a big shock for her and she cried like crazy when I told her, making me feel even more disgusted and sad about myself. Since that, my self esteem is really really low.

I'm biracial, so, my dad is black and my mom is white and I was born with a mixture of both skin tones. As I said, since I told my mom, she made me feel uncomfortable about myself and I decided to don't tell anyone else about my sexuality, to stop my coming out process. These past weeks I have decided that I want to live a happy life, the life I deserve basically, but thinking bout my future and my expectations in life I just can't stop wondering... Could someone fall in love with me? I guess that I really don't feel attractive and the fact of my skin tone makes me feel like I don't worth it. Is not that I hate my skin tone, I love it! But what I hate is the fact that just because of that maybe I will not be treated as everyone.

For the majority of the black ppl is easy to love themselves bc maybe they were raised with black families and that stuff. But for me was a lil bit different, having in mind that all my family is white, with blue or green eyes, and then there is me, the one that is different to all the rest. I've dated girls before, and that increased my self esteem, but since I realized my true sexuality I just don't know if it works the same. If a guy could fall in love with you bc of your personality in a community where everything is painted in a different way.

I guess I just need an advice, bc I don't know if i can resist all of this. If someone wants to talk or something contact me. And also if there's a teenager who is suffering or have suffered the same problems with his sexuality, I would love to talk, I don't have too much gay friends to relate so... Is always helpful to meet ppl like you.

[Biki1992]

I guess that I really don't feel attractive and the fact of my skin tone makes me feel like I don't worth it. Is not that I hate my skin tone, I love it! But what I hate is the fact that just because of that maybe I will not be treated as everyone.

Don't never let you feel down because of your appearance. There will be someone who love you. You are so young and You just have to go out and see." Beauty is in the eyes of beholder ".

[LJay]

In the US we have a fellow you might relate to. He has done pretty well with a background like yours. His name is Barack Obama.

[VirgoMasquerade]

Mixed guys are fucking cute! Dont worry about what people say and feel about your life

[MikeW]

guess I just need an advice, bc I don't know if i can resist all of this. If someone wants to talk or something contact me. And also if there's a teenager who is suffering or have suffered the same problems with his sexuality, I would love to talk, I don't have too much gay friends to relate so... Is always helpful to meet ppl like you.

I'm fine with talking with you about this publicly in this thread. If you want to talk privately, just send me a private message (or tell me and I'll send you one). I know there are other teens on this forum so hopefully some will talk with you here, too. Not sure if any are mixed races but could be.

Anyway, first lets make a distinction between LOVE and ATTRACTIVE.

Finding someone physically attractive and loving some one can be related, but they are two separate things. I don't "love" every man I find "attractive." I may want to fuck them but that doesn't mean I want to marry them. Right? Attractive is fairly superficial. It can be the way someone looks, or how 'sexy' they seem to me. That is, a guy doesn't have to look like a fashion model; he can be sexy just by the way he acts or his personality.

But loving someone is about more than finding them sexy or attractive. I have to LIKE them first of all. Second, they have to LIKE me back. Next we have to enjoy spending time together, doing all kinds of things together, not just sex. Then we become more than friends because we become apart of one another's lives. We share the good times and the bad times. We want to help one another out. We want to help each other become the best we can be. We are willing to put up with the other's 'dark side' (we all have them). We feel we can forgive each other's mistakes (we all make them) So on and so forth. We get to a point where we can't imagine ever being apart. <<<< all that and more is LOVE.

So do you understand the difference?

You are 16 years old. Congratulations on coming out to yourself and a few other people. I'm sorry your mom is having a hard time with it. Try to understand that isn't because there is anything wrong with you. There isn't. People have all kinds of wrong ideas about what it means to be "gay"... so give that some time. You, yourself, are still trying to figure it all out, right? What does she know about it? Probably nothing but all the prejudice and stereotypes that most straight people have. So... give yourself and her time.

As a teenager you're probably very horny and you may form crushes (feels like love but really isn't, just a very strong desire) on other guys around you. VERY common. Most teens form crushes on someone they know. For straight boys/girls it usually means they start dating and spending time together. For gay boys it can be very different and uncomfortable because we often get crushes on straight guys who want nothing to do with us *that way*. So, we feel a certain way about someone but also feel we have to keep that a secret. This is very different from what straight kids do. So it is kind of messed up. On the other hand, you *might* find another boy your own age who is also gay or curious.

But, in my opinion, you are too young to be "worrying" about any of this. I understand you're trying to make sense of your life... and you will be doing that for the next 10 years (or longer). That's fine... BUT also understand that coming to know yourself and understand who you are, what you like and don't like, who finds you attractive and not, love, and all that... TAKES TIME. It doesn't happen all at once. It doesn't happen by what other people say or do. It happens over years of just living your life. So, bottom line for me: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. Just try to be as happy as you can be... and trust me, the happier you are with yourself and your life, the more attractive other guys will find you.

As for your mixed race and whether or not it is "attractive" one thing you have to understand is that what someone finds attractive is VERY subjective. What I mean is, what I find attractive says something about ME... not about the guy I am (or am not) attracted to. Try to understand that. If someone doesn't find you attractive, that is just THEM its how they see you... it doesn't mean YOU aren't attractive. It means they don't see your attractiveness. Someone else will, though, and that is who you are looking for, right? That is who you need to pay attention to. Don't pay any attention to the one's who don't find you attractive. That's their problem, not yours.

Racial prejudice against mixed race people happens, there is no denying that. You'll find some people are prejudiced. But not ALL people are prejudiced. So, again, if someone is prejudiced, that is THEIR problem. It should not be yours... don't make it yours. There's nothing wrong with you as you are.

Personally I find a lot of mixed race guys really hot and I've known several. OMFG, this one guy I knew who was mixed African/European (Italian/German). One of the most amazingly hot guys I'd ever met. But, again, that's just me, that's how *I* felt. Has nothing to do with him.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you keep posting here and getting to know us.

[andresrey]

Omg, you're all so amazing!! I feel like i should have done this before, i needed someone to trust and someone to share what i was feeling and i finally find the space i was looking for. I'm practically tearing up right now, because for the very first time i feel like I'm not alone, like i have a backup. Thank you so much, i really appreciate your help. I've finally understood that i cant expect another person to love me if i don't love myself first.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Everyone is an individual, man. And everyone's different. This is true for personalities and what is on the inside.... and it's true about our outsides too, yeah?

So why would you want anyone to treat you "like everyone else"? It's the ones that see you for you, for that unique person that you are on the inside and out, that are the ones that become friends, lovers, and more.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I fail to see a problem in why love can't be in your future.

You are 16 and unless you get ran down by q bu this afternoon, or a little later, the chances for love to happen will remain a constant.

As for being bi-racial, I fail to see the problem there - plenty of guys look at what is inside another guy, not what the outside is - ergo fat guys get into relationships, skinny guys get into relationships, severe fire-burn victims get into relationships.

Sure, most of the open "gay scene" crowd are obnoxiously shallow and tout it as if its a badge of honor, they are also perverse, sex driven, alcoholics, drug users and their lives surround their sexuality and little else.

What few LGBT seem to get or understand is that around 90% of the LGBT community don't do gay pride, don't use gay bars and don't wave rainbow flags and shit. Meaning that their sexuality is not what their lives are about, their sexuality is a minor aspect to their life, which tends to mean they are far less shallow as human beings and are not so super picky as to insist that a potential mate meet's impossible criteria.


Parents:

Immediately upon learning that mom is pregnant, the parents begin to conspire against their child - they don't stop at just picking a name, they pick every aspect of your life, make huge (and often impossible to reach) goals for their kid well before the kid is born.

Those expectations are based on the Majority of the Population's Expectations, which is man meets woman, they get married, they have kids, carreers, better education, better homes, better everything than the parents had because parents want their kids to have it better than they did. Well most parents - there is a minority of very sick individuals who have no business having children.

Seems to me your mom reacted based on all of those plans she has been doing since she learned she w3aqs pregnant - I'm sorry, but those plans most likely surrounded the 'ideal' of a nice house, a wife, grand children, university, and lots of other things that the majority of humans want for their kids.

Most parents who learn that their kid is LGBT have a hard time wrapping their head around the losses of all of those dreams they had. They immediately think there will be no wedding, no grandchildren and even if your parents are liberal (which being a bi-racial couple they most likely are) then there is the harsh reality that a huge chunk of the population wants to kill LGBT and make life very unpleasant for LGBT.

Being a bi racial couple they no doubt have first hand experience of what kind of hatred is out there and Mom most likely desires you never experience that - assuming your mother has a maternial instinct and loves you.

The 5 stages of greif also play in here - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and lastly acceptance. It takes time to work through each stage.

No doubt mom said "Oh this is only a phase, you will grow out of it" - that is a mix of denial and bargaining.

Give her time to absorb this. Work through the process of chucking out all of her plans for you and let her rediscover all of the other potentials that your life as a gay man may bring.

[princealbertofb]

[MENTION=23010]andresrey[/MENTION], to GaySpeak. I think your skin tone shouldn't be a problem for the person who will fall in love with you. OK, so most of your family is white, but you're not getting married or having a love relationship with anyone in your family, are you? So, it stands to reason that there will be someone out there who will love you for what and who you are.

The best things to cultivate are intelligence, understanding, empathy and compassion, patience and being a good listener, and then also to acquire some skills, artistic or not, so pursue making friends first, then one day, you'll meet a special someone, or maybe several special people who will fill that role, and for whom your skin colour will be of no consequence. It's the man inside his head and inside his heart that will trump over the physical envelope. This doesn't mean not to take care of your body... but it should come as a general desire to make everything in you good.

[princealbertofb]

Omg, you're all so amazing!! I feel like i should have done this before, i needed someone to trust and someone to share what i was feeling and i finally find the space i was looking for. I'm practically tearing up right now, because for the very first time i feel like I'm not alone, like i have a backup. Thank you so much, i really appreciate your help. I've finally understood that i cant expect another person to love me if i don't love myself first.

That's exactly it, [MENTION=23010]andresrey[/MENTION], you've got the answer. Love yourself and the things you can do, and all the things you can still learn to do (you're only 16, plenty of time to model that brain yet!) then it only becomes easier to love others, but learn from the memories of feeling inadequate, and use them as proof that things can change.